People Who Expect These 9 Things From Their Partners Often Don't Realize How Unreasonable They're Being
simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock It’s a common misconception that entering a romantic relationship should make our lives perfect. The reality is that successful relationships require significant practical and emotional labor. Our partnerships are always a work in progress, just like we work to improve ourselves.
Putting pressure on our partners to be exactly what we want or need them to be all the time isn’t realistic. Those expectations can harm your relationship and keep you from connecting with your partner. Therapist Todd Baratz shared different aspects of partnership we might expect but don’t actually need.
People who expect these things often don't realize how unreasonable they're acting:
1. Constant emotional validation
Baratz explained that while seeking validation is a normal part of being human, no one person can validate us all the time. He noted that there will be moments when our partner can't validate us, and that’s okay.
It doesn’t mean they’re unavailable or that the relationship is failing; it just means they don’t have the capacity to provide that kind of caregiving at that time. Learning how to validate ourselves, instead of looking to our partners for everything, is a healthy tool to implement.
2. Being together all the time
Loving each other doesn’t mean you have to spend every waking moment together. While this instinct to merge completely is fairly common, it’s not the healthiest decision.
In fact, time apart is a sign of a solid relationship. Cultivating alone time makes your time together even more valuable.
3. Unconditional love
“You don’t need unconditional love in order to feel safe,” Baratz said. “Adult love is a collaboration centralized around a conditional experience of satisfaction.”
The overarching narrative around relationships in the U.S. pushes the idea that love has to be unconditional to be the truest form of romance. Yet we don’t owe anyone blind fidelity, just because. If a partnership becomes unsatisfying or harmful to one person, they don’t have to stay there, even if they love their partner.
4. Absolute admiration
We don’t need our partners to love and admire us 100% of the time. As Baratz explained, “This isn’t about lack of love, but a trusting in the presence of love even when it’s not explicitly expressed.”
This relates to seeking constant validation from a partner, because we can’t expect our partners to fill any hole or wound we might have; healing is up to us.
5. Similar communication styles
A successful relationship depends on direct, honest communication, but it’s unrealistic to expect one person to process their emotions exactly the same way as the other.
One partner might communicate differently, and that’s okay. It’s about learning how to bridge the gap between the two styles. People have different emotional experiences based on their personhood and histories. Respecting those differences is key to a healthy partnership.
6. The same interests and hobbies
New Africa | Shutterstock
It’s important to share interests, but it’s just as important to have interests and activities you do separately from your partner. Maybe your partner is super into puzzles, but you think all those little cardboard shapes look like absolute chaos.
That’s okay! In fact, that’s more than okay. You don’t have to have the same interests to stay connected. It’s healthy to have some things in life that are just for you.
7. Perfect conflict resolution
Fighting with your partner is inevitable, so it’s important that people learn how to fight in healthy ways. The idea that people need to solve every conflict they experience isn’t necessarily helpful, as not everything has a clear, concise resolution. Talking it out is valuable; so is putting an argument down and moving on.
8. Equal amounts of professional motivation
Professional success is highly personal, and it looks different for everyone. It’s okay for you and your partner to have different views on how to approach work and integrate a career into the rest of your life.
By letting go of rigid expectations for how our partners should act, we make space for nuance and flexibility and can better accept our partners for who they are, on their terms.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis, and all things related to the entertainment industry.
