People Who’ve Been Together For Decades Say These 6 Unromantic Truths Are Why Marriage Is So Good
YakobchukOlena | Canva Tax write-offs? Until death do us part? A promise of forever and a constant support system? Whether you’re a cynic or a romanticist, the truth is there are many benefits and sacrifices involved when it comes to marriage. So many have tried to generalize the institution and give advice on how to make it work.
I’m no expert. However, in the six years I’ve been married, I’ve learned this: If you want to quickly divide a room, simply bring up the term “marriage.” You’ll be simultaneously bombarded with facts about why it’s the greatest social convention ever created and why it’s the worst.
Disagreements about identity, finances, divorce, biology, intimacy, and all sorts of other issues will quickly arise, and you’ll realize the one truth everyone can agree on: The success or failure of marriage truly depends on the parties involved.
In recent months, I’ve seen quite a bit of negativity about marriage. I’ve read articles about how my marriage may be ruining my identity, my perspective, and every other aspect you can think of.
I admit that marriage is hard. There are true sacrifices made every single day in order to meld two different lives together into a functioning, cohesive vision. It’s not easy being one of two.
Still, over the years, I’ve also uncovered so many benefits. Sure, there’s the romantic notion of being with your best friend every single day. There are the quote pillows and sweet sentiments about soulmates, about loving one better, and about fulfillment.
As a romance writer and as a woman married to the person she met at the age of 12 — yes, I perhaps fall on the hopeless romantic side — I must admit that I do believe the benefits of marriage far outweigh the negatives.
However, I don’t think it’s always about the lofty benefits, financial aspects, or super abstract sentiments. As with many things in life, sometimes finding the true benefits and happiness of marriage is about appreciating the unromantic truths.
People who’ve been together for decades say these 6 unromantic truths are why marriage is actually so good:
Unromantic truth #1: Marriage is just about having someone to calm you down
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“Did you hear that?” I whisper, startled from my deep sleep tucked under my comforter.
“Probably just the cat,” my husband responds as he rolls onto his side.
Makes sense. Makes total sense. I drift back to sleep. Having a partner close by does more for your nervous system than you might think. Research shows that partner responsiveness, which includes showing sensitivity and understanding during stressful moments, is directly linked to better emotional and physical health outcomes.
Sometimes marriage is just about having someone to reassure you and to quiet your paranoid tendencies ... or having someone to tiptoe down the stairs to check for a potential murderer and/or your fluffy cat who is knocking over all of your makeup downstairs.
Unromantic truth #2: Marriage is about having someone who loves you anyway
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The bag of M&Ms I demolished? Clearly, it wasn’t me. He probably ate at least half of the bag, I reassure myself as I take another few handfuls.
Having a second person living with you helps detract from the food guilt complex. Having a second person who promised to love you no matter what means sometimes you can get away with inaccurate accusations — at least when it comes to delicious chocolates.
One of the quieter perks of marriage is having someone who loves you anyway. Research suggests that married partners often help each other stay healthier by encouraging better habits around eating, exercise, and other lifestyle choices.
Unromantic truth #3: The real perk of marriage is the give and take
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Studies find that couples who both agree household labor should be divided equally are happier than couples where one partner ends up shouldering more of the load. Rock, paper, scissors clearly is a valid determination of who has to abandon “Stranger Things” to let out our mastiff.
Married life is give-and-take. It’s about fairness and justice. It’s about who has to brave the elements one more time before bed to let the dog out.
Unromantic truth #4: Marriage is about not feeling bad about being gross
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If he can promise to love me in sickness and health, I think he can love me through a second (or third, let’s be real) day of not washing my hair. I don’t feel the need to impress every single day — so the snooze button is mine, and the ponytail holder is ready to go.
Feeling comfortable enough to skip a hair wash is actually a sign of something deeper. When people feel accepted and secure in their relationship, they are more likely to engage in the kind of emotional openness that keeps a partnership strong.
Unromantic truth #5: Marriage is having a permanent plus-one
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No awkward chatter with extended relatives I don’t know or someone’s sniffling aunt at the next wedding. I have a permeate to keep me company, to share inside jokes with, and to remind me when to slow down on the alcoholic beverages so I don’t make a fool of myself.
Research comparing married and single adults found that married people reported higher levels of family support and life satisfaction, in part because having a partner expands your social network and sense of belonging.
Unromantic truth #6: Sometimes marriage is about not walking through life alone
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And, at the end of the day, it’s not really about razors, dog potty responsibilities, dating, and ponytails. It’s about the fact that, despite the sacrifices and tough times, I have someone I truly want to share my life with. I have a man standing beside me to walk through this crazy, tumultuous journey.
I have a man who can make me smile with just a look, who doesn’t hesitate to give me his shoulder when I feel like life is falling apart. To commit your life to someone is always difficult. It will always come with both challenges and triumphs.
It is by appreciating the small moments, though, that we can see the bigger picture. Marriage can truly be a beautiful, fulfilling thing if we just take the time to appreciate what it’s really all about.
The small everyday moments of togetherness add up to something significant. Research on couples found that companionship, meaning enjoyable shared activities with a partner, is consistently linked to higher emotional health and greater relationship quality.
For some of us, the beauty comes in the form of middle-of-the-night reassurance and chocolate blaming. For some of us, it might be something completely different that we get out of the institution.
Still, I think the challenge is once one commits to this thing called marriage, he or she must strive to find the beauty, the value, and the benefits in the everyday moments.
Lindsay Detwiler is a contemporary romance author and high school English teacher.
