Men Who Still Adore Their Wives Years Later Usually Chose Women With 10 Special Qualities
bernardbodo | Canva In the past, I've shared observations from my counseling practice, where women reflected on red flags during dating that signaled, in hindsight, that their then-boyfriends wouldn’t make the best husbands.
Here, I will describe some of the common red flags that unhappily married male clients recount when recalling their courtship, and what they wish they would have taken more seriously before deciding to marry their wives.
Note that this is not a 100% politically correct article, as I mention things like attractiveness. I am trying to be honest more than PC, so keep that in mind before emailing me about how if guys want an attractive wife then they suck and I’m perpetuating the patriarchy. Obviously, I am a feminist, which means I consider males and females equal, but that doesn’t mean there are no gender differences.
Men who still adore their wives years later usually chose women with special qualities:
1. Openness to intimacy
Note that I don’t say physical desire, because women’s desire can sharply nosedive within a long-term monogamous relationship. Desire also waxes and wanes over time and throughout different life stages (for instance, women’s drive when nursing is particularly low).
A higher level of hormonally-fueled honeymoon-stage desire can also mask a deeper level of anxiety or closedmindedness about intercourse. Then, when the woman’s hormonally-driven desire decreases, the husband is left with a woman who may indicate disgust for him and intimacy in general. If a woman is open, including discussing her attitudes about it and her history, then she will likely continue to be more open toward it even when her desire is lower.
2. Attractiveness
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This is subjective, of course, but guys who feel they have lucked out by marrying attractive wives end up happier overall. That doesn't mean the person necessarily fits in with society's confining expectations. Rather, it's about the man finding his own wife attractive.
Attractiveness isn’t everything, but, particularly for males who are often more visually oriented, it is something that can keep a man feeling happier and better able to withstand monogamy.
Note that if you are marrying a woman primarily for her body, her body may change drastically after kids. Try to marry someone who has a “margin of error,” so that if they gain weight or go gray or anything else, you still think they are pretty hot. This goes for men and women both, although women seem to mind men’s general aging-related deterioration less, as we aren’t as visually oriented, biologically.
3. Intelligence and a similar level of education (generally)
When a man feels like he has married a woman who is less intelligent or educated than himself, this only stays “cute” in the initial dating phase or possibly early marriage.
I have many intelligent male clients who married women whom they always, in the back of their minds, considered less intelligent than themselves. They felt other variables compensated, like the aforementioned looks and intimacy, and kindness or a fun personality. However, later in the marriage, men find it very hard to let their wives make key decisions about child rearing, money management, and more if they doubt their wives’ intelligence.
In the 1950’s, many women played the “ditz” card with their husbands, who may have found it endearing. This worked when the husbands were expected to have the final word in all important decisions. Nowadays, women want and should have an equal voice in childrearing and home management, and if their husbands look down on their decision-making capacity, this will lead to extensive resentment and conflict.
4. In-laws who allow the woman to become a separate adult
Many men are very frustrated with a wife whose family keeps her in a “little girl” role (and this is true for women whose husbands are treated as cutely irresponsible boys far into adulthood by their parents, as well).
Some guys are fine with marrying “Daddy’s girl” who always calls her dad for financial advice and if she has a flat tire, even after marriage. Some guys are not, and always find themselves competing with their wives’ dads (or sometimes brothers) for their wives’ admiration and respect.
In couples counseling, I have had women outright compare their husbands (unfavorably) to their fathers. This is a dynamic that will not resolve ever; even when the father passes away, you’ll be compared to his memory, which will become even more idealized over time.
5. Conflict resolution skills instead of drama
Many guys are initially attracted to dramatic women, because their parents likely had this same type of dramatic relationship, and dramatic women are their imago. But, after you have kids, your wife throwing stuff and screaming about how you’re a jerk is going to be a lot less stimulating, because of two key variables: (1) there is no hot-and-heavy make-up session with kids around, and (2) you will realize that you are traumatizing your children.
If you have a dramatic girlfriend who is the best intimacy you ever had and you can’t live without her, then you can take her to couples counseling before you propose and/or stop doing the things that make her crazy. Also, if at least 66% of the women you’ve dated (and 100% of the ones you’ve loved) have been dramatic/”crazy”, it is time to do some internal work with a therapist and figure out why you keep insisting you hate drama but yet you’re drawn to it.
6. Similar goals as far as children and family size
Many women will resent you forever if she always pictured having three kids and you are firm on sticking to two. And don’t even get started on if you don’t want any kids and she does. Make sure you both are happily childfree, want one, or want five, whatever the case may be.
Also, if you’re in a dynamic where you’re eventually going to have more kids if she wants them anyway (many guys are in this dynamic), then it’s better to make peace with this and plan for more kids with an open heart versus with sulkiness and grudge-holding.
7. Shared goals on long-term finances and work schedules
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This is a big source of resentment for many men. They feel that they married a smart woman with good earning power, and then they are flummoxed when she chooses to be a stay-at-home mom. Frequently, they end up criticizing her or resentful of a lifestyle they deem less valuable, which of course leads to bitterness and distance.
If having a two-income household is extremely important to you, you must state this from the beginning of any discussions about the future. Also, does your wife genuinely love her career? If you marry a woman who hates her job, then, at least subconsciously, she may be hoping to quit it when she has kids. This isn’t to “trap” you in any way, but because she likely thinks that she can be of better use to the family and the world by raising awesome kids than by working in a job she hates.
Incidentally, if you want to be a SAHD (stay-at-home dad), this should be discussed as well. More women may be open to it than you would think, and the number of couples like this will only increase over time, as people move out of traditional gender roles and more into what roles suit them as individuals.
8. Financial compatibility
Many women choose to be stay-at-home moms because they believe that the family can get along on one salary, whereas the man wants more money, for spending or saving (or both). And sometimes, the woman wants a “better” lifestyle (meaning more money) than the man does.
No matter who wants more money, this can become a massive area of contention for spouses. If your “fancy” dates still don’t seem to impress your girlfriend or her parents live a lavish lifestyle that you don’t even want to have but she admires, this will likely be an area of conflict between you guys forever.
Similarly, if your wife is cool with clipping coupons and you want to have yearly trips to tropical islands, this will also not fly, especially as costs mount post-kids and you want her to go back to work or work harder to get a promotion.
9. Compatible levels of extroversion or introversion
Here is a key axiom of marriage and kids: having young kids amplifies your basic personality tendencies.
An introverted wife may become someone who cannot stand being touched or spoken to after the kids go to bed because she has had extensive physical and auditory stimulation from them (and/or from work and then kids) all day.
An extroverted wife may turn into someone who has playdates, Moms Night Outs, and huge family BBQs all the time to get social support. If you want to hang out just the two of you and watch TV without other people around, then you may be frustrated.
If you secretly think that having kids/growing older will mean that your introverted wife “comes out of her shell” or your extroverted wife calms down and becomes a homebody, then you are setting yourself up for regret.
However, this doesn’t mean your spouse needs to match you on introversion or extroversion. If you’re an introvert who is amazed and impressed by your girlfriend’s ability to host an awesome party, and it reassures you that your kids will always have a social network that your introverted parents never made for you, then by all means, marry her.
10. Intimacy, again
This is so important for men that I am giving it another position on the list. Specifically, look out for these key issues, as they will never, and I mean never, improve.
Here is a long (but important) list of qualities to consider:
If she doesn’t like to kiss you, if she finds your body disgusting, if she says intimacy isn’t important to her (and it is to you), if there is abuse in her past that she refuses to acknowledge as potentially important, if she jumps up to shower after intimacy and never really seems to like it, if she has told you that she has done “more” physical things with previous partners than she does with you, if she laughs about men’s “need” for intercourse and seems to condescend to this as animalistic in some way, if she exhibits zero public displays of affection (a woman who won’t kiss you goodbye on the lips in front of her friends at age 25 is unlikely to kiss on the lips in front of her kids at age 30 and unlikely to want intercourse when the kids are anywhere in the house at age 35).
And if you know, deep in your heart, that you are marrying her hoping that she develops a healthy drive one day due to all of your effort, versus marrying someone who already enjoys intimacy, then please recognize that this working out to yield a mutually enjoyable married intimate life is very very improbable.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.
