Date Them Until You Hate Them: Matchmaker’s ‘4 Tips For Dating Success’ Spark Heated Debate
Dmytro Zinkevych | Shutterstock Matchmaker Aleeza Ben Shalom has been curating couples for over fifteen years. And in that time, she has developed a controversial approach to the dating scene. In fact, much of her advice has been hotly contested.
With mantras like "date them until you hate them," and timelines for intimacy, Shalom has turned the modern dating scene on its head, insisting that if you really want a partner, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. In an article for the Wall Street Journal, she wrote, "The idea that bells will ring, and angels sing the moment you meet the right person is something I call 'Disney dating.'"
She added, "As a matchmaker and dating coach, I can confidently say that a lasting love demands far more than whatever you see in that first moment. It can and should be cultivated intentionally, like a good habit. This may sound unsexy, but the results have the potential to last much longer than a 90-minute cartoon."
Matchmaker Aleeza Ben Shalom's 4 controversial tips for dating success:
1. ‘Date ‘em til you hate ‘em’
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This is probably the matchmaker's most controversial piece of advice, but maybe if you only take it at face value. Shalom explained, "I don’t mean you should actually hate someone, just that you should continue dating until you are 100% sure this is definitely not your person. Everyone asks me: 'But how will I know?' Well, when you’re sure, you’re sure. If you don’t know, you are in fact not sure — and you should keep dating."
It's really quite a smart approach. Social media is full of dating "icks" that have gotten seemingly absurd in the past few years. From height requirements to slurping soup, getting past the first date is close to impossible. That doesn't mean the singles were happy with it, however. The phrase raised a whole lot of eyebrows on Instagram as well. One commenter simply stated, “Date them til you hate them is the worst advice ever.” Another user, who is also a matchmaker, shared her opinion: “This is telling people to ignore their own boundaries and values for the sake of giving someone a chance.”
"When done right," she wrote, "dating is simply gathering information. Because it takes time to even begin scratching the surface of who this other person might be and who they might be with you, I tell my clients to commit to a minimum of five dates with someone. And if after five dates you’re still not sure? When in doubt, go out."
Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., LMFT, would likely agree with Shalom. He asserts that falling in love takes time and the only way to truly do it is to ask a whole lot of questions and do a whole lot of listening. If things seem to happen quickly, you're not actually getting to know the person; you're just falling in love with who they are showing you.
2.‘Hands-off dating’
Shalom's hands-off dating approach is all about delaying intimacy. She wrote, "Try to avoid any physical intimacy for the first five dates. Love may or may not be blind, but touch is certainly blinding. Introducing it too early can trick you into thinking there’s a relationship that doesn’t exist yet. I’ve seen physical chemistry lead too many people to ignore red flags, or even basic incompatibility, because their bodies were already off and running."
For Shalom, dating is a long game. You give the person you are dating the chance to show you who they are. You give yourself the benefit of not being blinded by lust in the process.
The complaints about this advice are usually raised by single men who scoff at the idea of going out on five dates with no intimacy, especially when they are expected to foot the bill. Shalom's hands-off dating includes only hugs and kisses until after the crucial five dates.
A woman on Reddit shared this take: "It's always a little overwhelming not knowing if someone you just met is going to try to make a move, and having to turn them down if it's too soon.” Another stated, "I found it to be a really nice way to get to know each other, especially because my love language is touch and I didn't want my brain to go haywire!"
3.‘Intentional Intimacy’
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Intentional intimacy is another way of showing intimacy without touching, basically focusing your attention on your date: making eye contact, and using active listening. This piece of advice is hard for anyone to not get behind because it's basically put your phone down and be present in the moment.
The problem is that it's not always easy nowadays. She wrote, "Put your phone away. You are allowed to look at it zero times on a date. Instead, look your date in the eyes, address him or her by name, ask questions, listen to the answers, and follow up. I’m often surprised by just how many people don’t quite appreciate the value of attention."
4. ‘Splitting the bill splits the connection’
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If you thought this would also spark some controversy, you would have bet wrong. Most complaints came from single men at the suggestion of the man footing the bill. One man on Instagram commented, “If it's a date where the man pays the bill, show interest. So, she is not interested because she never splits the bill. Where is the so-called gender equality???” Another commented, “Written by someone who just wants free dates.”
Research has found that in a male-female dating scenario, the man is on the hook for the bill, with 82% of men and 72% of women holding the belief that the man should pay for the first date. After that first date, however, the bill is up for grabs, and Shalom agrees. She wrote, "This shouldn’t be about power or gender; the same person shouldn’t have to pay every time. But the gesture is an expression of openness and optimism and can go a long way toward rewarding the vulnerability of simply showing up."
Laura Lomas is a writer with a Master’s degree in English and Creative Writing who focuses on news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
