The ‘Lamp Theory’ Explains Why It’s So Hard To Find A Good Partner The Older & More Successful You Get
Who knew finding a good partner was like finding a good lamp?
BearFotos | Shutterstock Have you ever noticed that when you were young, you seemed to just click with people? You probably had a robust social life, and it seemed like there were plenty of people to date. But as you got older, that changed. Just like it became harder to make new friends, it also became more difficult to find a solid partner.
Some people would just chalk this up to the fact that a lot of couples tend to pair up when they’re younger, so there are fewer single people out there as you get older. But still, it shouldn’t be impossible to find someone. The fact that the more established you are in life, the harder it is to find a partner is all a part of the lamp theory.
According to the lamp theory, finding the right partner is a lot like finding a good lamp.
Allie Voss, a TikToker who offers “relationship advice and gender insights,” explained what the lamp theory is in one post. Apparently, the idea originated with a British journalist named Louise Perry. “She says that finding a good partner is like finding a good lamp,” Voss explained.
“When you’re furnishing your first apartment, you don’t really have that many standards for the lamp, besides provides light and doesn’t cost too much,” she said. “You’ll probably buy the first one you see and build the rest of your apartment around it.”
This is a direct metaphor for your love life, Voss said. When you’re young, you’re also not as likely to be extremely picky about your partner. You’re still relatively new to romance, and you haven’t learned what’s most important to you yet in a partner, so you’re willing to give more people a chance.
Finding love gets harder as you get older because you become more picky.
Voss continued, “Fast forward, though. If you spend 10 years curating an aesthetic, building your house, completely curating everything that’s going on in there, it’s going to be a lot harder to find a lamp that fits into what you’ve built in your house. Because now it really does matter what the lamp looks like. Now there’s a lot more in your life and in your home that can clash with it.”
This is exactly what it’s like when you’re looking for a partner when you’re older. “Especially with successful women,” she continued. “You’re trying to find someone more successful than yourself, which just gets harder the higher and higher up you go.”
Unfortunately, this leads a lot of people to settle. This is something that Voss almost seemed to encourage, as she said that you may want to make some changes to your house to “fit around a good lamp when you find one.” However, just like you’re bound to find the perfect lamp that fits right in your home someday, you’ll find the right partner too.
Dating when you’re older can be a bit like attending a therapy session, according to therapist Reid Daitzman, PhD, ABPP.
Because the other person has gone through so much of life already, you’re trying to deal with their trauma and process whatever else you discover. But, unless you’re a professional, you’re “absent the training and ethical constraints, knowledge, experience and understanding of human relations,” as he said.
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Daitzman said that many people are looking for someone who’s emotionally pure when they’re dating. They don’t want the baggage that comes with someone who has a past, which includes pretty much everyone. But people who have lived more life are going to have been through more and experienced more.
The trick is not to run from those people. After all, the older you get, the more life you’ve lived too. Instead, you have to find someone whose life and experiences fit in with that aesthetic you’ve curated. It may take a little more time, but they’re out there.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
