How much do you really know about him?
By Susan Pazak — Written on Feb 10, 2023
After the initial lure and attraction have been established in a new relationship, learning a man’s values is a big factor to help determine if your new romantic interest is a good long-term match for you.
Do you share interests? Do you share goals? And do you share beliefs about what is most important in life?
When values are aligned in a relationship it can lead to respect and trust. A bond is established.
When values are not aligned it can result in contempt, anger, resentment, disrespect and disregard if ignored at the start of a relationship.
I have witnessed in my practice misaligned values that caused arguments, separation and divorce — especially when children were involved.
On the other hand, I have also seen aligned values that gave rise to admiration, acceptance and, ultimately, love.
Here are three ways to learn a man's values — and determine if he's right for you
1. Talk about your values
One of the best ways to begin to learn a man’s values is to begin the conversation.
Be patient with this process because sometimes men are not aware of their values or are not comfortable talking about them, especially at the beginning of a relationship before trust has been established.
Many times a man’s values can be overlooked, dismissed, or disregarded because there are not any conversations about the topic.
A man may also disregard his own values at the beginning of a relationship for fear of being rejected and the partner may not have realized how important the value was to them.
Open, honest, nonjudgmental conversations are the most direct way to learn a man’s values.
2. Be observant and aware of behaviors
We can learn about a man’s values by observing their behaviors.
For example, a man’s value of integrity and honesty would be observed by being true to their word.
They do what they say that they are going to do. The words and the actions are congruent.
This is a very respected and admired value, especially for people who have difficulties trusting.
The opposite is true as well. If a man states that integrity and honesty are values that they have, but they do not say what they mean or do what they say, then the behavior and the value are not matching.
If you are aware of the man’s values and have had the conversation you can now address the inconsistencies as you see them. If they become too frequent and there is no change, then you must determine it is not a match and let go.
3. Know your own values
The beginning phase of a relationship is an opportunity to learn and grow as well.
Be honest with yourself, because matching a man’s values with your own is a very important foundational aspect of a satisfying and fulfilling relationship.
I have learned many values that I was not aware were important from my husband as he has learned from me. We grow up in different environments with different parents from different parts of the world. We came from different ethnic backgrounds, which has an impact on our values.
Do yourself a favor and take the time to learn and observe a man’s values. It is an interesting and intriguing process that will lead to determining if you can invite this person into your life or not.
Values in a man will be something that you admire, adore, respect and ultimately love — or he is not a match and it is time to walk away.
More for You:
Dr. Susan Pazak is a clinical psychologist and life coach who provides elite concierge coaching services from a psychological perspective. She is the author of the book, Simplify: Powerful Words For Life’s Complicated Situations.
YourTango may earn an affiliate commission if you buy something through links featured in this article.