If A Guy Isn’t Willing To Do This One Thing, Research Says He’s Not Committed To You
Is he ready for the long-term?
Rafa Barros | Pexels Sometimes, as a relationship progresses, we begin to worry about whether someone is really committed to us. Why are they not texting back quickly? When are they going to call? These doubts can leave you feeling like you're tied up in knots instead of happily falling in love.
What you want to know is how dedicated he truly is, and whether or not you can relax into your feelings rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop, leaving you back in single status. Thankfully, there is an easy answer to your question about his commitment issues, and it's backed by science.
Research says if your guy isn't willing to do this one thing, he isn't ready to commit.
People like to think science and love have nothing in common. But those people are completely wrong. Science gives us plenty of reasons to explain human behavior while in love, such as how a text from your crush can give you the same dopamine surge as eating candy. Weird, right? So, if you’re having trouble convincing yourself that he's committed, it's time to turn to science for the answer.
As it turns out, it's actually a really simple concept: It's all about sacrifice. If your guy isn't willing to make a sacrifice, which, as therapist Jeff Guenther explained, happens "when one partner gives up something important to them for the benefit or happiness of the other without expecting anything in return," he's likely not quite ready to go all in when it comes to your relationship.
Researchers equated relinquishing self-interest as a marker for commitment in a relationship.
Researchers from the Netherlands investigated what it truly takes to commit to others, and they determined that the primary ingredient is "executive control," a term used to categorize a specific group of mental capabilities that enable an individual to set aside their self-interest. These mental capabilities included resisting temptation, the ability to multitask, and the ability to retain new information.
The researchers asked couples to take a survey regarding their level of commitment within their current relationship. In order to measure sacrifice, they randomly selected one partner to perform an undesirable task while the other watched entertaining videos.
The "frustrating task" consisted of typing out random strings of text for as long as possible. However, there was a catch. If the partner typing out the random strings of text chose to stop at any point, their partner couldn't continue watching the entertaining video because they then had to take over the typing task. The researchers determined that a person's willingness to continue so their partner could enjoy themselves showed their level of sacrifice and, therefore, commitment.
This seems pretty innocuous and actually quite heartwarming when you first think about it, but true sacrifice isn't always as simple as choosing boredom so the person you love can enjoy themselves. What if the sacrifice involved moving for a job? What if it involved forsaking the desire to have children? That's the thing about real life, it's a whole lot messier than what is controlled in a research experiment.
Unbalanced sacrifice in a relationship can be a sign of trouble, however.
Selflessness is often viewed in a positive light, and there's no denying that giving freely and expecting nothing in return is a beautiful sentiment. However, and this is a big however, if only one partner in a relationship is making sacrifices, and it's happening more often than simply on occasion, it could be a warning sign that indicates an imbalance of power.
Timur Weber | Pexels
"Sacrifice," social-personality psychologist Amie M. Gordon, Ph.D., wrote in a piece for Greater Good Magazine "raises questions of power: If you are happy to sacrifice early in the relationship and your partner isn’t reciprocating, you may find yourself in a situation where you are the one who is always expected to give up and give in. Over time, this imbalanced pattern of sacrifice may lead to an imbalance of power in your relationship—a recipe for long-term unhappiness and resentment."
She added, "Sacrifice is two-sided ... If your partner assumes that you are the one who must choose to sacrifice, without assuming any of the same responsibility on his end, think twice."
So basically, if he can practice a little self-control and be selfless, he's definitely into you, but if you aren't making any sacrifices in return or you expect him to always be the one to concede to your wants and needs, it might be time to hold the mirror up to your own face when it comes to the commitment question.
Nicole Weaver is a senior writer for Showbiz Cheat Sheet whose work has been featured in New York Magazine, Teen Vogue, and more.
