Famous Couples Therapist Advises People Not To Admit To An Affair Before Asking These 2 Questions
Ron Lach | Pexels Regardless of whether you intended for it to happen or not, you had an affair. You're wracked with guilt and wonder, "Now what?" Should you tell your spouse or not that you cheated? Or is it true, as the old saying goes, that what people don't know can't hurt them?
Many marriages have experienced one or both partners having either a physical or emotional affair. And only so many of those marriages actually survive once the affair has been discovered or admitted. The key is knowing your partner, your relationship, and above all, yourself.
Before you admit to an affair, ask yourself these 2 questions:
1. Will your relationship be ruined if you tell them the truth?
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The truth is, they are suffering. Your actions have already hurt them. The longer they don't know, the more pain you will inevitably cause them. Cheating is something that very few people are willing to forgive, especially if the two of you are married. According to statistics, 30-40% of divorces are caused by cheating.
Please consider whether your relationship may already be ruined, even if they don't know. Don't lie to yourself that if they don't know it won't hurt them. Because the truth is, the deceit will affect them regardless.
"If you want to save and rebuild your marriage, you both need to get real about what is and isn't working. Talking with your partner about your infidelity and what the affair gave you, that your marriage did not, allows you both space to consider if things can get better and how to begin making them that way. There's no guarantee your marriage will survive; telling your spouse about your mistake is just the starting point," explained divorce coach Dr. Karen Finn.
2. Can you handle the fallout of not telling them that you cheated?
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That will weigh heavily upon you, most likely. Can you handle the guilt without becoming resentful toward them, through no fault of their own? Contempt, according to research from The Gottman Institute, can be a real relationship-ender, on top of the cheating.
Will you always be looking over your shoulder for someone to "expose" your secret? Because that's no way to live, for either of you. The relationship is already over. It was over the moment you decided to have an affair.
If you decide not to tell them about the affair, be prepared to spend the next few months making it up to them. Shower them with attention, affection, and all the things they like.
Be warned, though, that they might see this sudden spike in interest in your relationship and get suspicious. This could lead to them snooping around and finding out about the affair themselves.
If you are determined to turn the relationship around and be more romantic, start by planning more dates and helping out around the house. When it comes down to it, you strayed, and the least you can do is make it up to them.
If you truly believe your relationship can heal after infidelity, then it's in everyone's best interest if you tell them sooner rather than later, and if they do decide to leave, at least you'll know you tried to save it in the end. Give them the choice to make, instead of being selfish.
Dr. John Gray, Ph.D., is a leading relationship expert whose books, including "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus," have sold over 50 million copies in 50 languages in 150 countries. He helps men and women better understand and respect their differences in both personal and professional relationships.
Elizabeth Ayers-Callahan is a writer focusing on love and relationship issues who is a frequent contributor to YourTango.
