The #1 Biggest Mistake Made By People Who Can't Seem To Find 'The One'
How to make sure you're not the one getting in your way of finding love.
progressman via shutterstock What if I told you that right now, as we are speaking, you live trapped in a small box? How would you feel? I bet you'd deny it and think I was bonkers. But if you're looking for "the one" (or any kind of lasting love) and can't seem to find it, then I'm right. You just can't see it.
You can't see your box because it's one you created out of your rigid expectations. Often, our boxes are build out of how we think the world (and the relationships in it) "should" be. Your box, just like most people's, houses all of those inflexible rules you cling to about how others should treat you, what they owe you, and what you will and will not "tolerate." In short: all of your dealbreakers.
You think your dealbreakers protect you, but they are the very thing that causes everything you love, want, and hope for in life to fall away.
Too-high standards and dealbreakers are the #1 biggest dating mistake
Your dealbreakers might be barriers to finding love
You created your dealbreakers thinking they would keep you happy, healthy, and safe in your relationships. And some of them will! Dealbreakers about zero tolerance for abuse (of any kind), for example, are good ones to have. Exploitation, manipulation and unkind behavior are also important areas for you to have high standards. Don't budge on those. But what about the others? Are they serving you?
Ideally, dealbreakers protect you by stating very clearly what your non-negotiable boundaries are. But these boundaries only serve you if they come from a place of self-love and a desire for growth. Unfortunately, most of the time, we create them from a place of pain, fear, and deep grief, as explored by a 2019 study of romantic self-sabotage. Then we use them like we would a shopping list or a secret weapon to control who we let into our lives and what hoops we want them to jump through to prove their love.
Our dealbreakers (well-intentioned as they might seem) become overly protective shields instead of healthy boundaries. We enforce them rigidly to avoid getting hurt again. But what if that previous hurt was due to a very specific circumstance that your behavior helped create or enable? What if your rigid, defensive rules block you from the things you want most — love, growth, and connection?
It's OK to have preferences
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Your happiness depends on you figuring out the difference between preferences and dealbreakers. In the dating world, for example, a woman might not even look at a guy who isn't rich, handsome, and child-free, because anything else would just be a deal breaker. No. Those aren't dealbreakers, those are preferences.
What would happen if you connected with an amazing man, but later found out he had kids? Would you walk away from a shot at true love just to hold your ground and prove a point?
It's not OK to use dealbreakers as a weapon
We often create secret dealbreaker lists in our heads and then just wait for someone to make one little mistake — then BAM! We let them have it. Because how dare they not read our minds and just know? How dare they not be perfect (to our specifications)? We put our armor up to let them know we won't tolerate what they did — that they better shape up or ship out now.
How to keep dealbreakers from blocking your quest for 'the one':
Follow this five-step process to help your self-limiting high expectations become growth and bonding opportunities with the person who may turn out to be "The One".
1. Figure out what you want
Spend some time getting very clear about what your dealbreakers are and why they're dealbreakers. You might even want to create a relationship description. Invite your loved one to prepare one, also. You'll each want to jot down notes to make your discussion easier.
2. Find the right spot to talk
You'll want to have this conversation somewhere neutral where you won't be interrupted. A nice restaurant, a beautiful park, or even a hotel lobby are all nice places to have a heart-to-heart about relationship expectations and dealbreakers.
3. Really focus on communication
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Yes, it's a simple word, but it's hard work to effectively communicate with someone. You'll both want to feel respected and loved. You'll both need to listen carefully when the other speaks and avoid interruptions or busily starting to think about your response while your loved one is speaking. Be completely present.
4. Take time to evaluate
You'll be evaluating your discussion from the moment it begins. You and your loved one may reach a decision about the status of your relationship during your conversation, or you may decide you need time to think, or even ask to get the input of a helping professional.
5. Do something
Once you've evaluated your conversation, you'll know what's best for you. You might decide to end the relationship immediately, embrace the stronger relationship your discussion created, or do something in between. Don't just accept the status quo, but allow your relationship to change in a way that best supports your happiness.
Conversations about expectations aren't just a one-time thing. We all grow and evolve, so our dealbreakers and expectations change, too. Talk about your changing preferences often to ensure a happy, healthy relationship.
Dr. Karen Finn is a divorce and life coach. Her writing on marriage, divorce, and co-parenting has appeared on MSN, Yahoo, Psych Central, Huffington Post, Prevention, and The Good Men Project, among others.
