Before You Swear By 'Unconditional Love,' You Should Know These 3 Myths
True love isn't about loving someone no matter what. It's about knowing what "no matter what" really means.
Grzegorz Rakowski | Unsplash Most of us grew up believing in the fairytale version of love — the myth of happily ever after, where passion solves everything and the credits roll right after the kiss. Movies, books, and social media all sell us the same dream: that love should be easy, pure, and unexamined. But real life doesn't work like that. Love gets messy. People get scared. And what we call unconditional love can start to look a lot like self-sacrifice if we're not careful.
Unconditional love doesn't mean ignoring your needs, never setting boundaries, or staying no matter what. It's not about perfection — it's about presence. Real love is an ongoing process that asks you to grow together, communicate honestly, and sometimes disagree. If we look closely into our cultural relationship myths, we find three lies that must be confronted in order to really understand unconditional love.
Before you swear by 'unconditional love,' you should know these 3 myths:
1. If you really love each other unconditionally, your relationship shouldn't be this hard
Love is a process, not a static condition. It's a commitment to do the work and come back into your relationship with each other. It's about moving through whatever gets in the way of your love for one another.
You can start improving your relationship by deciding to learn new communication skills. Begin to take responsibility for creating distance between you and your husband. And when you can't fix things on your own, look for help elsewhere.
Healthy love requires partners to have their own needs and boundaries, research has concluded. It's important to be able to say 'no' when necessary, and for your partner to accept that 'no' respectfully, while still working together to find a solution that honors both individuals.
2. If you're attracted to someone else, you don't really love your partner
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Many times, when you see your spouse's attraction to someone other than yourself (or vice versa), you may worry that they no longer love you, and you become scared of losing them.
You must realize, however, that if that attraction isn't acted upon, it's not the defining factor of his love for you. His behavior is the criterion for love, not a short-lived feeling of attraction.
It is normal to feel attraction to other people, but it's how you act on that attraction, or choose not to, that matters, an article by Leiden University explained. True love involves a deeper, more sustained connection, often built on shared values and mutual respect, which is why initial attractions based on differences are often short-lived.
3. If he really loved me, he'd make me happy
Instead of assuming that your spouse must give up a part of themselves to make you happy, take time to listen deeply to one another about your concerns and feelings. Making each other happy is not a criterion for love. The criterion for love is listening to each other with empathy and expressing your needs in a skillful way, so that problem-solving can create what works best for both of you.
Relationship experts widely agree that each person is responsible for their own happiness. A loving partner cannot fix deep-seated unhappiness, or insecurity in another person.
When these lies about unconditional love begin damaging your relationship, then it's time to think more deeply about what love really is. When you do, you'll begin to discover that love is a process of equally committing to hard work in an effort to constantly reconnect with your partner.
Dr. Shana Parker is a licensed psychologist and couples coach, who has been teaching relationship skills that make love and intimacy between partners flourish for 30 years.
