The Art Of Compatibility: 3 Personality Types That Don’t Mix With Procrastinators
Don't set yourself up for a relationship disaster.
Yunus Tuğ | Unsplash There's a lot to love about procrastinators, yes, they're always late to the ball, but once they arrive, they're usually interesting, engaging, and a lot of fun! They are just like all of us. And who isn't guilty of a little procrastination?
But, dating or living with a true, serial procrastinator is not for the faint of heart. A procrastinator's long string of broken promises, lack of accountability, and periods of unexpected irritability eventually take their toll and leave their partner in an endless cloud of uncertainty and doubt.
Here are 3 personality types that don’t mix with procrastinators:
1. Another procrastinator
Two procrastinators in love usually enable the behavior in one another, tempting and distracting each other away from completing important pending tasks. And while it's certainly fun to play hooky from life’s demands occasionally, sooner or later, the built-up frustration of unmet responsibilities catches up to the couple.
Feelings of frustration and irritation quickly flash into arguments, the relationship suffers, and suddenly, having fun together becomes more challenging. This combination of frustration with yourself and your partner builds up and slowly erodes the fabric of your love. Rather than facilitating understanding and tolerance towards each other’s challenges, sharing a penchant for procrastination tends to pull you and your procrastinating partner down even lower than you'd go on your own.
"Procrastination appeals to some of us as a way of controlling our lives in some small way," explains marriage educator Christopher D. Brown. "Life can become chaotic and unmanageable, so procrastination becomes a coping mechanism. By remaining in our comfort zone, we avoid negative consequences that may come with taking action."
2. A person whose love language is acts of service
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If you're a person who feels most loved when your partner follows through on completing tasks they promised to do, dating a procrastinator is misery waiting to happen. Others find a procrastinator's lack of follow-through annoying, but for you, it feels like betrayal or a slap in the face, leaving you wondering if your partner even loves you.
If your love language is acts of service, you'll struggle endlessly not to take your partner’s inaction personally. They'll swear they "meant to" get that done, or they "really wanted to" do that for you ... but their lack of follow-through will always leave you feeling disappointed and unsettled in their love.
3. A person who is easily stressed or overburdened
All of us feel overwhelmed at times and look to our partner to step in and help out. But when your partner struggles with procrastination, you'll pull your hair out each time their big, well-meaning promises don't translate into actual helpful action, which just escalates your anxiety level even more.
Life coach Ann Papayoti advised, "Your nervous system may have learned to focus on getting through the moment, not planning or nurturing a connection. And it shows up in subtle but powerful ways you might not immediately connect to childhood. Perhaps you procrastinate on emotional work. You know you need to set boundaries or work on your communication, but it feels overwhelming. These habits don’t make you a bad partner, but they do make connecting with a romantic partner, a co-worker, a family member, or even a friend harder to maintain."
Not being able to count on a procrastinator means you can never really plan on anything or feel certain that anything will actually happen when they say it will. This just feels disheartening ... and at the extreme, unsafe, particularly if you already wrestle with anxiety (and use planning as a way to cope).
If you're parenting together, extra anxiety heaps on you each time your partner promises the children something and doesn't follow through (or does so the last minute, or two days after you truly needed it). You're always waiting nervously in the wings, wondering if you'll need to swoop in to fix things, so your children don't constantly feel the disappointment that you know so well.
I'm sure you've wondered if your partner will ever change, or if they will ever love you enough even to try. This feeds a toxic and particularly painful insecurity in your mind and heart. And a feeling like that quickly renders a relationship unsustainable.
It can certainly help to understand what procrastination actually is: a miserable, anxiety-ridden cycle of behavior that, in the end, truly isn't about you, though it can surely affect you, and sometimes painfully.
If you love a procrastinator and see yourself in any of the above categories, be honest with yourself. Recognize what you're up against, tune into how you feel, and decide what you need to move forward. This is the opposite of procrastinating: facing your anxiety and using it to fuel solutions.
While I know it can be horribly painful to experience the impact of your partner's procrastination habit, living happily with a procrastinator is possible if you are 100 percent realistic about what is realistic and reasonable to expect. This requires strong communication, mutual understanding, and a willingness from each of you to do your part to make your relationship work.
Dr. Alicia Clark has been a practicing psychologist for over 25 years and has been named one of Washington’s Top Doctors by Washingtonian Magazine. She is the author of Hack Your Anxiety: How to Make Anxiety Work for You in Life, Love, and All That You Do.
