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Consider these personality traits serious red flags.
By Dr. Lisa Webb — Last updated on Dec 13, 2022
Imagine this: your girlfriend or wife is all about you one minute, then hates your guts the next.
She's extremely sensitive, and small things trigger intense reactions that are way out of proportion compared to the situation.
Or even worse, you don’t have a clue what made her upset, you just know you are in the doghouse. She says hurtful things and acts out in dangerous or inappropriate ways and is emotionally volatile.
When she realizes her actions have been extreme she feels guilty or ashamed. Apologies abound and the “make up sex” is over the top with intensity, impulsivity, and recklessness.
You probably feel like you’re on a rollercoaster — and not just because of her unstable emotions, but also because of her unpredictable behavior and negative personality traits and characteristics.
You deal with her unclear self-image, murky goals and inconsistent, ever-changing likes and dislikes which frequently leave you feeling confused, exhausted and, well, crazy.
Make no mistake about this: it is not a mind game when a woman lets you know she is not interested, or she doesn't want to have sex with you. Consent should always be present no matter how confusing the signals get.
But here are four common reasons women who possess certain negative traits do play manipulative mind games with men.
Why women play mind games
1. They're fearful.
She may have an extreme fear of abandonment, or frequently interpret your actions as signs of cheating.
She is terrified of being abandoned or left alone. She exhibits frantic efforts to keep you close. She may beg, cling, start fights, track your movements, or even physically block you from leaving the scene of an argument.
Then the fear of abandonment turns to rage and rejection, only to then lead to clinginess and neediness when she fears she is losing you.
2. They're incapable of sustaining stable relationships.
She usually has relationships that are intense and short-lived. She falls in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make her feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed.
Her relationships tend to “fluctuate between being all good or all bad and they can be unable to experience contradictory feelings when relating to the world or others.”
3. They have an unclear sense of self.
Her vision of "who she is" is typically unstable. Sometimes she may feel good about herself, but other times she hates herself. She doesn’t have a clear idea of who she is or what she wants in life.
She may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity. In her effort to figure out her identity she has a tendency to merge with her partner.
This feels flattering and positive in the beginning, but often leads to your feeling physically and emotionally smothered.
4. They're hyper-emotional.
She goes through extreme emotional or mood swings. One moment she may be happy, and the next, despondent.
You never know who might greet you when you get together, and this leads you to feel like you are “walking on eggshells.”
Little things that other people brush off can easily send her into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly — even within a few minutes!
The Bottom Line
Coping with someone who is in a state of fury and helplessness can put you in your own emotional turmoil.
Try to set that aside and ask your partner about what's going on inside of them.
Despite the self-defeating actions she might display, it is not impossible for her to get beyond these negative behaviors and have emotional closeness —and the very stability of a partner often proves to be a positive factor leading to more emotional stability.
And if her mind-games feel abusive or become too much for you, don't hesitate to take care of yourself and walk away.
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Dr. Lisa Webb is the author of the “Executive Marriage Solution: Translating Boardroom Success into Bedroom Bliss,” as well as an entrepreneur, President and CEO of Body & Mind Consulting, and Chief Relationship Officer at Executive Relationship Advisor.