People Who Keep Giving Their Partner 'One More Chance' Usually Have These 7 Painful Reasons
You can know something is unhealthy, and still want it back.
Olena Bohovyk | Unsplash By now, many of us know what it’s like to stay in a relationship much longer than we should. Long after the red flags have popped up and waved right in our faces, we stay with a person who we know deep down inside is not the one for us. Family and friends might implore you to leave at the first sign of danger, but you stay, believing that you are the magical person who can make them change their ways.
There are many reasons one might opt to stay committed to a relationship that does not serve them. It could be about the kids and their stability, or they might be used to a double-income household. But according to these relationship experts, there are a few very specific reasons people decide to stay in bad relationships instead of opting for a new start.
People who keep giving their partner 'one more chance' usually have these 7 painful reasons:
1. Financial stability
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For many, it is sadly money that keeps them together. Either both or one has no financial security without remaining in the relationship, whether it's because they need the combined income or depend on the income of the chief wage-earner in their household.
Research shows that financial inequality or dependence on one spouse creates marital stress and is often a major reason for staying in abusive relationships, with 46% of domestic violence victims reporting a lack of money as a significant reason for returning to their abusers. This dependency creates what experts describe as feeling "trapped," making it difficult, if not impossible, to leave an unhappy or unhealthy relationship for the person dependent on the other.
2. Negative outcomes
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Fear of family repercussions is another reason toxic couples stay together. It makes sense to want to keep a family together and/or potentially avoid the pain to children, parents, and other relatives that divorce could cause. Still, many couples who should split up will wait until the children are college-age to keep up the facade of a happy home. Also, depending on their religious beliefs, a divorce potentially can lead to alienation from their children and ostracization from their family.
A 2019 study showed that children whose parents divorce are at increased risk for mental health disorders, social withdrawal, and behavioral problems, with these effects often persisting into adulthood. This knowledge weighs heavily on parents who may choose to "stay together for the children," waiting until they reach college age to maintain the illusion of stability.
3. Unhealthy relationship dynamics
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Unhealthy codependency plays a significant role in unhappy couples not breaking up. They may believe that the misery they know is better than the misery of being alone.
This dynamic is fueled by what psychologists recognize as an overwhelming fear of the unknown. For codependent individuals, "the fear of being abandoned forever is a major source of stress," and isolation "only serves to heighten their innate insecurity that they are not good enough."
4. Lack of self-worth
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Low self-esteem can hamstring partners. They may believe they do not deserve the happiness they secretly crave. Research from the University of Waterloo found that partners with low self-esteem tend to avoid confronting relationship problems because they fear rejection. This creates a particularly painful dynamic where the person believes they don't deserve better treatment.
5. Emotional abuse
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Most tragic of all is when there is a narcissistic partner; people subject to the abusive control of a narcissist (gaslighting in particular) typically grow insecure about all aspects of themselves, from the way they look to their mental stability and intelligence. They come to believe all the problems are their fault. Many partners of narcissists don't realize what is happening and find it almost impossible to leave.
— Dr. Gloria Brame, Therapist
Gaslighting is "a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists to instill in their victim's an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment." Studies show it's "nearly impossible for a victim of narcissistic gaslighting to avoid internalizing the downgrading, criticisms, and attacks of the gaslighter which make the victim feel responsible for the narcissistic abuse itself."
6. Repeating childhood patterns
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"What is the brain’s most important function? This is not understood by most people and is often overlooked by professionals in our modern high-tech society. The brain’s principal function is to help us survive. And in that process, the oldest part of the brain is the most powerful. That part is far removed from our thinking brain. It is instinctive, devoid of rational thought, and most of all, difficult to change.
Herein lies the dark secret of why we often repeat, even actively seek out, the bad things we experienced during early childhood. To mention one of the worst examples from several clients I have been coaching, they were rape victims as children and then married a rapist, obviously without knowing about it at the time.
Here is how the ancient part of the brain works. We survived these difficult periods of our early life. In this old brain’s automatic “logic,” this means that kind of environment helped us survive. Therefore, it steers us subconsciously, yet powerfully, into that same unfortunate direction. And to a correct degree, we continue to survive, even though under unfortunate circumstances.”
— Fritz George Sauer, CEO & Founder of Control Stress
Research shows that adults who experienced childhood trauma develop what scientists call "long-term potentiation of memory tracts" that are reactivated during stress, causing them to return to familiar patterns even if those patterns cause pain. The brain's survival mechanisms can work against us here; we survived these difficult childhood experiences, so our ancient brain steers us toward similar situations, mistakenly believing they're "safe" because we survived them before.
7. Trauma bonds
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“You may stay in bad relationships because of a trauma bond. You can't leave, even though you know the relationship is destructive to you. This attachment develops from two features of abusive relationships. One is a power imbalance. If your partner is willing to walk away, he or she has far more social power than you do. The other is intermittent, good and bad treatment.
This means that sometimes your behavior is rewarded, and sometimes it isn’t. Because you never know when you’ll get your reward in the form of your loving and caring partner, you keep trying to win approval. Every time you go through this cycle of good and bad treatment, the emotional bond you feel with your partner gets stronger. This makes it difficult for you to leave.”
— Donna Andersen, Relationship Coach
A study of 75 women who left abusive relationships found that relationship factors, including intermittent maltreatment and power differentials, accounted for 55% of the variance in attachment to their abuser even six months after separation. This makes leaving extremely difficult because "the brain may latch onto the positive experience of relief and safety and aim to achieve it again during the next cycle of abuse."
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
