To The Boy I Could Never Tell How Much I Love Him

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couple in love

By Victoria Kushner

There’s something I have to get off of my chest. And I’m scared to do it.

I don’t know how to say it. But I have to try because watching you in class and seeing you in the halls is killing me.

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Do you remember that one night last summer when you asked me if I loved you?

You probably don’t and I’m convinced that you were half-kidding. But your question deserves to be answered truthfully — even if I’m a little late because I do love you.

When I read your question, my mind went straight into panic mode. I’m not someone who expresses affection often, so it is a foreign concept to me. At this moment, however, my thoughts were screaming.

I kept repeating to myself, “Tell him. Tell him you love him...” But I couldn’t do it. My whole body was paralyzed, but my mind was on fire. I wanted to tell you everything.

The simple fact is that I’ve been in love with you from the minute that we met.

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My fingers didn’t type "yes," though. My mind was begging me to confess, but the only word I could form was "no." I regretted it the second that I sent it.

I genuinely felt my heart sink into my toes. It was a lie. And I know why I’ve said it. I’m just as scared of rejection as you are of commitment.

Neither of us could actually handle the truth. So, I held it all in — for both of our sakes.

Your reaction was strange. It was almost like you did a complete 360. One minute, you were telling me how great I am and how much you wanted me, but the next, you were done.

I didn’t understand. I thought there was something wrong with me. Your messages became rarer and rarer until they stopped completely.

One day, you were my world, but the next, you were a total stranger. My heart broke.

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It had only been a couple of weeks, but I felt myself falling apart. So, I did what every oblivious girl does: I tried to replace you.

However, I found myself comparing every guy to you and none of them measured up. How could they? It was an unrealistic expectation.

I was back to square one — heartbroken and missing you. When school started, I only felt worse.

Seeing your face every day and knowing that I couldn’t have you have been torture. I don’t know how to pull myself together when I watch you talk to other girls. I should be your girl.

So, I just don’t know how to cope with this.

You’d think I would have some practice after being on the receiving end of many of your mood swings, but it never gets easier.

I know it’s been a while and you probably don’t care, but I can’t go another day not saying it.

Yes. I love you. I did then and I still do now.

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Victoria Kushner is a writer and contributor to Unwritten whose work focuses on relationships, pop culture, and music.

This article was originally published at Unwritten. Reprinted with permission from the author.