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Stay-At-Home Mom Feels 'Shame' Over Not Having Any Money Of Her Own

Photo: Doidam 10 / Shutterstock
sad woman sitting in dark room

Deciding whether to stay at home with your children or return to work can be incredibly difficult. For some, the choice is made for them by circumstances.

That’s what happened to one woman who felt like her husband was holding her lack of money over her head.

One woman stated that she feels ‘shame and embarrassment’ because she doesn’t make her own money.

An anonymous woman posted on Reddit to get advice for her predicament. She gave some background information so fellow Redditors could understand her situation.

“I used to have a part-time job as a preschool teacher until my last baby was born,” she said. “I planned to go back after eight weeks, but COVID shut down my school, and we decided to homeschool our big kids this year since our oldest had asthma and our youngest was an infant.”

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Her plight sounds perfectly understandable. Plenty of parents, especially mothers, choose to stay home with their children and, in some cases, homeschool them. Apparently, her husband didn’t see it that way.

“Whenever my husband gets angry at me, though, he loves to remind me that he pays for everything because I’m unemployed,” she said. “And I don’t know what to say back because it feels so unfair, but technically he is correct. All the money we have comes from his job.”

Her work as a stay-at-home mom is just as important as her husband's.Photo: Monkey Business Images / Canva Pro

At this point, the woman asked her fellow stay-at-home moms for their input. “How do you deal with this? Does your partner give you an allowance? How do you deal with the shame and embarrassment of not earning any money?” she asked desperately.

The woman tried to explain her contributions to her husband, but he wasn’t interested in listening.

“I try to tell him that he’d have to pay someone a lot of money to teach and care for the kids, to do all of the cooking and cleaning every day, but he says that’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard and that’s what moms do if they love their kids, which I obviously do,” she stated.

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She added that she is actually returning to her job in a few months, but “until then I hate that he gets to hold this over my head.”

Understandably, commenters were shocked by what they read in the woman’s post.

Most tried to tell her that this was not normal behavior. “Your husband… honestly sounds financially abusive,” one person said. “This whole time [my husband and I] have worked together on our budget and our priorities. I didn’t have an ‘allowance’ because I’m not an 8-year-old. We have a checking account with full access for both of us.”

   

   

“You don’t have a money problem. You have a husband problem,” another said.

“There is no shame or embarrassment in not earning money — you are doing equal labor to your husband by providing childcare,” a third person added. “You should both have equal access to your shared income that supports your family.”

When you’re in a relationship, it’s important to have a sharing mindset.

According to financial expert Rachel Cruze, “Marriage is a partnership. It’s no longer ‘his and her money.’ The officiant said, ‘Two become one.’ Separating the money and splitting the bills is a bad idea that only leads to more money and relationship problems down the road.”

   

   

It sounds like this woman is in a toxic situation. Her husband is acting as if he is the only one who contributes to the family because he is the only one who brings in any money. He is actively ignoring, or at least diminishing, what she brings to the table as a mother.

Stay-at-home moms are some of the hardest workers around, and they deserve to feel celebrated, not ashamed.

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Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer for YourTango who covers entertainment, news and human interest topics.