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The person you're meant to be with would never treat you this badly.
By Ossiana Tepfenhart — Last updated on May 01, 2023
I used to be one of those people who legitimately would delude herself about the guys she dated.
Every other sentence would start with, “Well, he’s not that bad.” Or, worse, “You just don’t see what I see in him. He has potential and I really see us going places.”
If a guy never pitched in, that was not an issue. Rather, I just would pick up the slack and assume he’d do better next time.
Here’s the thing: the guys I dated were horrible. They never cared about me as a person unless I was supplying them with sex, money, or whatever control they wanted. The guys would use me up and then leave me to find a new victim. Of course, this always blindsided me.
I had, in my own idiotic way, just basically lied to myself in hopes that maybe, if I did everything and anything right, things would work out. I just really, truly wanted my own Prince Charming who’d realize that I was a good girlfriend and would be the best wife ever. I wanted it so much that I deluded myself into thinking I’d get it, even if the only guys who wanted to be with me were awful.
Of course, I got real with my relationships and broke up with them. After a while, I just walked away from love later on. For me, it’s no longer something worth believing in, investing in, or really bothering with; I’ve been through enough to just see the entire idea as a method of universal loss for me. Overall, I’ve been feeling better as a result of it.
From what I’ve witnessed, deluding yourself about love is actually not that unusual a thing. I see that same pattern in a lot of my former female friends, often when they cry over the phone telling me that they caught their boyfriend cheating for the twentieth time.
Though I may have stopped believing in love, for me that doesn’t mean that has to be what you need to do. What you do need to do, though, is be realistic about the people you’re dating and cut them loose if they’re not good. If you find yourself doing anything of the following actions, you are definitely deluding yourself and need to walk away from the person.
Here are 11 signs you're deluding yourself about him (and he's not that into you):
1. You come up with excuses for his behavior
Bad behavior really has no excuse, even if he’s “going through some stuff,” is “angry,” or “had a troubled past.” Some of the kindest, most docile people I ever met used to be homeless, were CPS cases and were in devastatingly abusive relationships. They never use their pasts as an excuse.
If he’s acting like a jerk or stringing you along, you need to be aware that there’s no excuse for his behavior, no matter what you say. If he sucks, he sucks, and you need to drop him.
2. If you were being honest with yourself, the reason why you are with him is that you don’t believe guys will actually date you otherwise
Been there, done that, bought the entire tourist stand. Trust me, I wanted more than anything to have a loving husband of my own. I know how bad it feels. But it’s better to be alone than to be with someone who hurts you. It may be hard to believe, but it’s true.
3. You’ve been known to lie about what your partner does, or about your partner’s status to impress people
Been there, too. At this point, you’re trying to just hope that someone sees your relationship as impressive. People know you’re talking up your partner and that’s okay as long as your partner is good to you. If he’s not, you’re just hurting yourself.
4. You’ve come into direct evidence of him cheating and refuse to acknowledge it
No, he didn’t install Tinder for friends. No, the girl talking about his d*** pic isn’t his cousin. You know that, so stop pretending it’s not what it is.
5. He refuses to acknowledge your relationship in public, or everything that involved commitment was forced by you
Do you literally have to be the one to tell people that you’re dating? Do you constantly feel like you need to drag him toward commitment, kicking and screaming? Let. Him. Go. Have a little pride and just walk away. At this point, it’s not a relationship; it’s a tug of war.
6. You literally have to beg him to be affectionate with you
I have seen this a lot with friends who were stuck in dead bedroom situations, and they still believed that their partner loved them despite showing no affection, no interest in sex, and open hostility to them. It usually takes a bunch of people sitting them down and telling them that this isn’t normal, nor is it salvageable, for them to decide to dump them.
Don’t wait until people have an intervention. If you literally beg, plead, and cry for affection and attention, one of the signs he's not the one and it’s best to leave. Trust me when I say, at the very least, most people will at least find sex once they’re single.
7. People have begged you to dump him
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if a friend actually is telling you to dump him, it’s because his actions are alarming enough for them to be worried about your well-being. Most people will bite their tongues when it comes to a person’s partner because they don’t want to lose the person. If people are risking that to try to save you, listen to them.
8. Overall, the relationship dynamics are skewed
In most cases, the delusional ones are doing 90 percent of the work in relationships, while the jerks only do about 10 percent. If you find yourself bending over backward to try to make him stay/commit/love you, you’re fooling yourself. As hard as it is to acknowledge, love can’t be negotiated that way.
9. You legitimately don’t know much about him
Do you know his hobbies, his issues at work, or other major things? If you don’t then, you may be seeing him as a Manic Pixie Dream Guy. That’s not a good sign, honey.
10. You lied about yourself to get him
This is just as bad as seeing him as a Manic Pixie Dream Guy because you can’t keep up the charade forever. This is literally setting yourself up for failure. Why do that to yourself?
11. You’re only happy when you’re in a relationship
Been there, done that, and also bought that tourist stand of merch. Trust me when I say it’s just better not to get involved unless you want to be involved with a specific person.
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Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, New Theory Magazine, and others.