5 Signs Your Spouse May Be Contemplating Suicide

Seek assistance if you spot these troubling signs.

By Dr Lori Beth Bisbey — Last updated on Jun 10, 2023

Photo: Photo Spirit / Shutterstock

In 2014, a story gripped the UK press. An entrepreneur married a model, and after they separated, the heartbroken husband died by suicide. While this was a few years ago, deaths like this are relatively common.

Though it was fairly common knowledge that Andrew Stern and his wife Katie Cleary had separated, it was reported to be a very amicable separation, and many people were surprised to read that he had killed himself. It shouldn't have been that much of a surprise, however: Separation is one of the highest-stress life changes that we can experience, and as a result, separation is a risk factor for suicide.

Sometimes, people choose suicide impulsively. This happens more often with men than women, and more often when people are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. In these cases, there are usually no signs that the person is at risk at all, but often there are signs that a spouse is at risk.

Here are five signs your spouse or partner is considering suicide

1. There is a drastic change in his emotional state

If he is usually quiet and shy, for example, he might become much more gregarious. If he has been sad and withdrawn over a period of time, he may become suddenly happy and outgoing. Sometimes these changes happen because the person has finally made a decision that he feels will solve the problems that have been causing his depression: suicide.

Now that there is a solution, he feels relieved and in many cases, he can feel elated. It is not unusual to hear the people closest to a person who has died suicide say that he had been depressed but had become much better recently. People will describe the person as happier and calmer.

2. She suddenly puts her life in order

Many people who are contemplating suicide will pay off debts, get rid of prized possessions (many give them to friends or family, some donate them to charity), tidy up their living spaces, and make sure that nothing that is expected of them remains undone. When people ask, often they will say that they are simply having a spring clean or trying to put order into their lives.

It is not unusual for spouses contemplating suicide to make sure that their life insurance policies are paid up and will cover the event of suicide, also making sure that debts are paid and that the paperwork a spouse may need to access funds is in a clearly labeled place. Many spouses make sure that wills are up to date and clear.

3. He talks about wanting to die or people being better off without him

People who are thinking about suicide very often talk about it first with the people who are closest to them. They will talk about feeling that life is hopeless, feeling worthless and not being able to see any way for life to improve. They may also talk about different ways to kill themselves, either seriously or by telling jokes about suicide.

4. She suddenly seeks to visit and speak to anyone with whom she feels she has had a close relationship in the past or present

Sometimes people even make it a point to say goodbye, though often this is said in an indirect manner so that it isn't so obvious that what is being said is goodbye forever.

5. He sleeps much less or much more, increases his use of alcohol or drugs, and/or his appetite decreases

People who are clinically depressed may suffer from sleep difficulties. Often they have trouble either falling asleep or staying asleep, and it is very common for them to wake very early in the morning, long before the alarm would go off. They frequently lose their appetites and find that food is not as enjoyable anymore.

While they are trying to decide whether they want to live or die, they will often increase alcohol or drug use.

What to do if you spot these troubling signs

Not all people who are thinking about suicide show all of these signs, and not everyone who shows these signs is thinking about suicide. Nonetheless, these are strong warning signs.

When you see them you should ask the person exhibiting them how he is feeling and make sure he is not thinking of harming himself. Before having this conversation, make sure that you know who you can call if you feel that your spouse is a danger to himself.

Is there a physician that your spouse sees? A therapist? A psychiatrist? If so, make sure that you have the phone number so that you can call and inform the person of the situation and request help if you need it. If you can, talk your spouse into going with you to see someone who can provide help. It is worth calling a local suicide hotline for advice if you are worried prior to the conversation.

Here is a quick and dirty test for clinical depression, adapted from Aaron Beck’s Cognitive Triad in 1976: if a person feels really bad about herself, feels really bad about the world, and feels that there is no future for her, then she has clinical depression. These three beliefs feed into each other, creating a circle that is extremely difficult to break out of without professional support.