14 Scary Signs Your New Man Is Insanely Toxic

Be wary of this unhealthy relationship dynamic.

Last updated on May 29, 2024

Toxic realtionship Dmitry Ratushny | Unsplash, solarseven | Canva

We don’t always see what others see when we enter a new relationship. Sometimes our family and friends can see what's happening long before we do. Our emotions can get caught up in the euphoria of “falling in love” and ignore obvious signs that our boyfriend is bad news. Don't miss these signs your relationship is toxic and is actually doing more harm than good to your life.

Here are 14 scary signs your new man is toxic:

1. It's instant love.

You meet, you kiss, you stay at his place, you move in together, he's met your parents and you've met his. It looks like he's really serious about you... all in a matter of months. It sounds romantic and like a girl's dream, but remember, the bigger the high, the bigger the low. Beware of fast love, as it's often one of the signs your relationship is toxic.


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2. His problems are now your problems.

Your new man is riddled with problems. You hear his story, you feel his pain and you understand he's in a difficult place. Before you know it, his problems are now your problems! We're all about supporting each other, but this is toxic because people are people. Some of us clean up our mess before we invite someone else into our lives, while others drag us through it and will continue to do so unless they change their ways.


3. His ex is always somehow in the picture.

There's nothing more draining than having your romantic evening rudely interrupted by his ex, leaving you sitting on the back burner. Don’t get me wrong, we all come with baggage. But the man you want has already cleaned up his messy past, leaving time for both of you. He won't need you to take on his mistakes, too.

4. He turns to you for financial support.

We all go through financial difficulties from time to time but beware. I don’t care how handsome your man is, how well he treats you, or what he promises you. You don't want to pay for someone else. You're either good with money, or you're not. If he's leaning on you to pay his loans/credit card debt, you're in BIG trouble.

5. He says he can't live without you.

It makes a great Hollywood movie, but in real life, if someone tells you he can’t live without you or that you make him complete, that really translates into, "I'm co-dependent and I depend on you to make me happy. If you ever try to leave me, who knows what I might do." So please, be careful when someone's a little too keen and your gut is saying it's not good.

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6. He starts unnecessary fights.

I used to carry a spare key with me when one of my ex-boyfriends and I left the house because every night we went out, he would start a fight. He fought with me in front of my own family. He acted nicely to them and would pull me to the side to tell me that he wasn't talking to me because I did [insert lame complaint]. He was crazy. Don’t date a fighter.

7. You're afraid to break up with him.

Have you ever had a boyfriend and feared breaking up with him because you didn’t know what he would do to himself, you, or others? Well if that's the case, you just need to break up with him. I'm not kidding — do whatever it takes. I've left countries and taken refuge in other people’s houses to break up with guys because they were so unpredictable and infatuated. 

8. Your relationship never leaves the bedroom.

He tells you he loves his alone time with you, but when you think about it, it's not alone time, it's intimate time. And you're getting bored with it. Watch for this trap!

9. You're his short-notice date.

Beware of this. You like him, so every time he texts or calls you (even if it's only an hour's notice), you’re available. You go to the bar with him and hang out, you go home with him at 2 AM because he called and said he misses you. You buy his story and before you notice, he's taking advantage of you.


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10. He "forgot" to commit.

You sleep with him, you hang out together, it looks like you're boyfriend and girlfriend, but he's never actually said it. Months go by, maybe even years, and you have not approached the subject, fearing that you'll lose him. There will come a time in your life when you want to move on and he'll just let you go. Watch out and notice if he's as excited about you as you are about him — or not. Don’t buy his commitment-phobic excuses.

11. Your relationship is a secret.

If it's a secret, it's not real. Don’t believe the sad story. Don’t think that, because you’re dating him, you can somehow stop his bad habits and make him love you faithfully. Fairytales don't work in real life.


12. He spends more time with your family than his own.

I personally did this for years. Thankfully, I now spend many days during the week with my family and not someone else's. I know some families are tough, but just make sure he has resolved his issues. You can't fix someone else. They must do that for themselves.

13. He's a travel junkie.

People who are happy at home don't feel the need to jump from one country to the next. I traveled for 15 years looking for a better way to live. Yes, people change. And yes, people come home. Just make sure your guy is here to stay — it's hard to detox the traveling bug.

14. His "one day" promise never happens.

He says one day you'll meet his parents, one day you'll meet his kid, one day you'll get engaged — and the list goes on. Don’t wait for the "one day". If the relationship doesn't move along at a reasonable pace, question it. Don’t put up with it! Our relationships are one of the most rewarding areas of our lives, but sometimes they're also one of the most painful. One of the biggest mistakes people make is thinking that “I love you” is all there is to a relationship. We don’t think about how feel, how we're treated, or if the relationship is good or bad for us. Toxic relationships are very damaging, so it's really important to pay attention to the signs mentioned above.


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Lorna Poole is an international coach and professional speaker. She empowers women to love beyond fear, pain, and regret to attract the partner they truly deserve.