I Might Have Wanted You, But I Never Wanted To Be Raped

I had wanted him, but not when he took it from me.

Last updated on Mar 23, 2024

Woman being taken advantage of Koldunov, francescoch | Canva 

This piece contains descriptions of rape, sexual assault, sexual violence, and abuse. 

It was early May and I had thought about going on Tinder again. I had met one or two friends with the app, so I thought this would be like any other time. Chatting with people, getting a vibe for the ones that weren’t crazy, and then grabbing a milkshake or something. Easy as pie and I get food out of it! I surprisingly matched with a handsome British guy. We started talking and I found him charming (of course). He asked if I wanted to hang out, and I did. Who wouldn’t? He told me he was at his house by himself and that there was a hot tub we could relax in. I told him I was uncomfortable with being alone with him. He said he didn’t want to come to my side of town (which was 30-40 minutes away) since he had been drinking and didn’t want to drive.


My curiosity got the best of me and I agreed to drive over to him. The moment I sent the text, I felt a twinge of fear. My gut was telling me that this was a bad idea. I thought maybe I was just nervous and I ignored it. As I pulled into the driveway, I had to double-check that I was at the right place. It was a beautiful, widely laid-out home. I was definitely on the fancy, turn-up-your-nose-to-the-poor side of town now. I texted him and he came outside to greet me. He ushered me inside. I still couldn’t shake that bad vibe. I started to map my way through the house so, if I needed to, I could escape. I had pepper spray and a box cutter with me just in case.


RELATED: Why It Took Me 25 Years To Admit I Was Raped

I ended up staying over because we ended up drinking and fell asleep at four in the morning. The following afternoon, we went swimming and played a little (American) football. We kissed, had some conversations, and then I left. The first two days were from a movie but then came the dreaded day three. It was his last day in town before heading back to London. We laid out in the sun and talked. We later moved the “party” to the bedroom. We started messing around and things got heated.

He wanted to be intimate and I told him no, very clearly. He continued to press the matter of it and I continued to tell him no. Eventually, he just went ahead and did it anyway. I was mortified. I had been clear about my decision to not be with him and he completely disregarded it. His charm instantly disappeared. Before I could say anything, his hand gripped my throat. I started to panic and shouted, “What are you doing?!” to which he responded, “Some girls like that.” I wanted to scream and yell and fight back, but I was petrified. All I could do was close my eyes and put myself in another place. When he was finished he kissed me on the cheek and flopped onto his back. I rolled away from him and started to sob as quietly as I could. He got up and started getting ready for his flight. He took advantage of the trust he’d built up with me.

RELATED: What Happened When I Was Sexually Harassed At Work — And Reported It


I’d watched Law & Order: SVU since I was 12 years old and I never thought in a million years I would be one of those girls that had been raped. I went to my close friend who was several years older than me and told her everything that happened. What she told me rattled my entire being; that it wasn’t rape. It was probably a misunderstanding or miscommunication because of our cultural differences according to her. Do they just go around raping people in England? Is that a thing in their culture? I’m pretty sure he spoke English and that he understood the word “no.”



I was confused by what she had said. She was defending his actions, claiming it was a “miscommunication.” Not only was she defending him, but she was invalidating the total violation of self-worth and dignity that he had thrust upon me. I also told my roommate; she said it was rape. I didn’t like that answer, either. Rape is such a taboo word, but when it applies to you, you feel ashamed and damaged. Saying it was rape would mean it would follow me in every relationship I’d ever be in, it would keep me up at night wondering what I did to deserve this.

He kept in touch with me on occasion, mainly drunk texts. One fine day, this monster dared to tell me that he loved me and that he wanted to see me again. He was now invalidating what he did by making it seem like he was smitten with me. I told him I didn’t love him back because he forced himself on me and I couldn’t love someone who did that. He tried to guilt-trip me and told me he was going to pretend I didn’t exist. Truthfully, I thought I had feelings for him.


RELATED: I Was Targeted By A Sexual Predator — And Didn't Even Know It

My palms would sweat, I’d stay up night after night, and I’d have this tight feeling in my chest. I reached out to him and groveled. I thought I was the one to blame for all of it. I thought it was my fault that we weren’t together, that I had missed out on “love.” His heartless and short responses opened my eyes, this was not love. My feelings for him were of anger and anxiety! I built up the courage to call him out for being the dirtbag that he is. Finally, 11 months later, I am opening up to the fact that I was raped. I’m talking about it, facing the predator, and making him accountable for the label he etched into his future headstone: The Rapist.



It’s taken me a long time to get to this point of feel I can recover and be undamaged. If there is anything I have learned from this experience, it is this: If you say no, and he does it with you anyway, it is rape. No questions asked. I don’t care if you were wearing a sign that said “Be with me now" — if you say “no,” that means no! You’re not asking for it. I have never met a woman who asks to be raped. If you have been a victim of rape or sexual abuse, you are not alone. Please seek refuge from the storm that predators created for you. I believe in you. From one survivor to another, you can overcome this. Take a stand and believe that you are not worthless, it is not your fault, and you are not damaged.


Sexual abuse is very common.

RAINN reports that every 68 seconds, an American is a victim of sexual violence. Females are far more likely to be abused and assaulted, and 90% of victims who are adults are women. This is especially prevalent among women who also happen to be college students, which makes their risk three times greater.

Anyone affected by sexual assault can find support on the National Sexual Assault Hotline, a safe, confidential service.

Contact The Hotline or call 800-656-HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member.

RELATED: How I Survived Decades Of Sexual Harassment (And A Brutal Rape Attempt) In Hollywood

Skylar Jones is a writer and frequent contributor to Unwritten who provides a voice for women on topics of heartbreak and relationships. Her work has been featured in The Gospel Coalition and Carson Now, among others.