Why I Run Back To You In A Moment Of Weakness

Photo: kittirat roekburi / shutterstock
woman thinking floral dress

By Kristen Buccigrossi

In a moment of weakness, I break down and begin my search for you.

I feel this emptiness inside and know that you can fill the void, so I attempt to reach out to you. I give into temptation and fight against my willpower in an attempt to hear your voice once more, to ease the pain and brighten the night.

I break down the walls that I have built up in an attempt to let you back in again.

I give into all that I have been fighting for so long, the will to move on from you, just to know once more that I might not be the one worth longing for.

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But when I reach out to you, there is no reply. I try a few more times, but all I hear is silence and it is deafening.

Did I break you too much with the words that I last said or is there just no point to saying hi?

Did I hurt you by telling you that I deserved more or is it that you knew I would come back all along and want to watch me try?

Did I finally break down those walls and leave you in the cold or was it that you have moved on and I no longer have a place in your life after all?

Did I break something you didn’t think could be broken or is it just not worth the words anymore?

I search our history for the reasons why you don’t want to be around. I over-analyze every encounter we have had, searching for the moment where you thought we weren’t right.

I pick apart every detail looking for the clues to see where we went wrong and why we are not here together. I attempt to think of new ways to break through to you, but it only leaves me feeling more lost and confused.

I think back to all the words I may have said to change your views, but I’m still left with this silence and uneasy feeling that it wasn’t about me all along.

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I dream up the ways that you will come back into my life and tell me this was all just a big misunderstanding, we were good for each other from the beginning. That your walls were built too high and that you had missed me this entire time.

I look for you in the crowd and wait for you to come rushing back into my life as you always do. I search for you everywhere I go, hoping that one day you will be dreaming of us the same way too. 

I desperately cling to the past, hoping that the future belongs to us both.

But for now, I will hold on to the silence, knowing that it might be something that I deserve.

Knowing that on the other end of that phone is someone that is still in my heart, still able to mend the pieces of it together.

Knowing that I might never have that chance again to talk to you, but also knowing that you are still there, receiving my energy that I send out into the world.

Knowing that you are able to see my messages, but actively make the choice not to respond.

Knowing that I could be the one that broke us all, but hope one day that you are able to reach out to me like I always try to do with you.

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Kristen Buccigrossi is a writer whose work has been published on Huffington Post, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, Unwritten, and more. Visit her website for more.

This article was originally published at Unwritten. Reprinted with permission from the author.