Men Who Hide Their Anxiety Really Well Still Often Show These 5 Easy-To-Miss Signs
EugeneEdge | Shutterstock From acting like a jerk to intimacy issues and everything in between. I’ve written a great deal about how anxiety manifests in women. Women have higher rates of anxiety than men do overall, and anxiety in women can massively hurt their relationships with their husbands and kids.
However, plenty of men still suffer from anxiety disorders, and this impacts their functioning within relationships, as parents, on the job, and more. This post will address five ways that anxiety manifests in men, none of which are usually obvious to these men and their wives.
Men who hide their anxiety well usually still show these subtle signs:
1. Controlling behavior
Many men come off as very controlling when they struggle with anxiety. Because an unpredictable environment is so hard for them, they try to control every aspect of their routine, their home, and the actions of those around them. Women may think that a man is self-absorbed or even narcissistic when he actually is highly anxious and unable to deal with change.
2. Irritability
A man who is very anxious may be extremely quick to anger, because he feels so dysregulated internally when things don’t go according to plan. When he gets home from work and the kids are loud, he may feel completely overwhelmed and respond with aggressive remarks, or even storm out of the room or house. Overstimulation and unexpected noise or mess can lead to outbursts and even rage.
3. Rigidity
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Rigid men exemplify the saying, “My way or the highway.” A man who struggles with a rigid worldview often attracts enabling women, who placate them and go along with them, although as these women age and grow more confident, they may push back, leading to marital conflict.
Rigid men also tend to find parenting challenging, especially as their kids get older and assert their individual preferences or identities, which may go against the man’s own preferences or desired outcomes. At the extreme, rigidity may be indicative of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD, which is different than OCD).
4. Few or no friends
Anxious men find it hard to go with the flow, and that flexibility is key to successful friendships. Sometimes, they have business partners or workout partners, but they don't tend to see these men socially in other arenas.
These men are often nervous about what they will talk about, whether the other men are judging them (a hallmark of social anxiety), and the perceived waste of time of non-“productive” pursuits (in contrast to working out together or working on a business together). Often, their lack of friendships upsets their wives, who don’t get to have “couple friends” because the man doesn’t want to be friends with the male half of the couple.
5. Difficulties with intimacy
In addition to experiencing medical issues, both linked to anxiety, intimacy may be boring and rote with men who are anxious. They can become “superstitious” about not messing up something that works for them, or that they feel works for their wives. Often, they are focused on performance at the expense of fun, spontaneity, or experimentation. Women don’t realize that the fear of losing their arousal (and the fear of being judged if this happens) is at the root of what feels like detached, uninspiring intimacy .
If these points resonated with you, therapy can help. Exposure therapy and its principles are at the heart of most treatment for anxiety, whether this is social anxiety, panic, or generalized anxiety. In addition to the impact of genetics (few anxious people don’t have an anxious parent), there is a huge impact of upbringing and learned attitudes about the world, including fear of change and of fear of negative evaluation.
Deeper work exploring the man’s family of origin can be transformational, helping him see that his thought patterns were learned and can be unlearned. Empathy is not a strength of many anxious men, because when they are experiencing “fight or flight,” which is a daily feeling, they stop thinking about how their wife and kids are feeling.
Therapy can help with perspective-taking in this way. And finally, couples counseling can also help partners work together and communicate effectively when one is anxious, and work on physical intimacy issues as well. Don’t waste more time being anxious when you could be living a more peaceful and fulfilling life!
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health.
