You Can Usually Tell Someone Grew Up Not Feeling Loved By Their Mom By 6 Things They Struggle With As Adults
Africa images | Canva Many people face the common challenge, which is self-doubt. It creeps into all aspects of their lives: work, relationships, success, and even with money. It thrives on low self-esteem and manifests in a variety of ways in my mind, body, heart, and spirit.
Did you know that 85% of individuals suffer from low self-esteem? This has a significant impact on your ability to believe in yourself, causing self-doubt and overwhelm. Often, this low self-esteem is due to experiencing some kind of childhood trauma early in your life, or a signal that you didn't get the love you needed as a child from your mother. It’s the emotional energy of self-doubt and lack of self-esteem that gets trapped in the cells of your body.
One major source of self-doubt is often in our relationships with our parents. Did you have a toxic or self-obsessed mother growing up who you never felt really loved you? This may, of course, contribute to your challenges with self-esteem today — but there are ways to break the pattern.
If someone grew up not feeling loved by their mom, they usually struggle with these things as adults:
1. They feel like they're not good enough
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Growing up with an overly critical or judgmental mother can significantly impact a person's self-esteem. This often leaves them feeling inadequate and not good enough due to the internalization of negative messages from their parent. A study published in the Journal of Experimental Child Psychology explained that this can manifest in various ways, including perfectionism and even depression in some cases.
A mother's failure to acknowledge her child's accomplishments can stem from several factors, including parental insecurity, high expectations, a critical parenting style, a lack of emotional availability, potential jealousy, or even a reflection of her upbringing. All of these can significantly impact a child's self-esteem and sense of validation.
2. If a person felt unloved by their mom, they may have trouble regulating their emotions
A mother's lack of attention can significantly impact a child's development, leading to potential issues with self-esteem and emotional regulation. When severe, this is often referred to as emotional or childhood neglect. A study published in the International Journal of Advances in Engineering and Management showed that in adulthood, emotional dysregulation can manifest in behaviors like seeking excessive attention and struggles with trust and intimacy.
3. They don't feel like they fit in
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A mother consistently displaying a negative attitude can significantly impact a child's emotional well-being, which can be particularly damaging when combined with critical or dismissive behaviors towards the child.
As adults, they may feel excluded or like they don't fit in anywhere, and research has (very sadly) shown that feeling excluded lights up the same brain centers as physical pain, and being excluded by a parent or sibling can often make you feel like you don't belong in other places in your life.
4. They have recurring mental health issues
A mother putting down her child to make herself feel better is often linked to low self-esteem, a need for control, or unresolved personal issues in the mother, which can manifest as a form of emotional manipulation or projection onto the child, where the mother unconsciously transfers her negative feelings onto them to alleviate her discomfort. In turn, the child ends up having their own mental health issues in adulthood.
5. They have trouble saying no
Growing up with a mother who is a people pleaser can significantly impact a child's development, often leading to the child adopting similar people-pleasing behaviors themselves, stemming from a learned pattern of prioritizing other people's needs over their own to maintain approval and avoid conflict. This can manifest as difficulty setting boundaries, excessive guilt when saying no, and a strong need to be liked by everyone.
6. If a person felt unloved by their mom, they may have trouble making decisions
Growing up with a highly controlling mother can significantly impact a person's development, which leads to impaired decision-making and problematic relationship dynamics later in life, with terms like parental psychological control and overparenting frequently used to describe this phenomenon.
If any of these issues sound familiar, it’s important to know that you’re not alone/ Everyone has experienced self-doubt at different moments in life. It’s when it becomes chronic and keeps you from achieving your full potential that it can be a sign it's time to get some support.
Learning how you can begin to dismantle the limiting beliefs you’ve been telling yourself is key. Replacing those negative self-beliefs with empowering, positive self-talk and self-love is where healing begins.
Michele Molitor, CPCC, CHt, is a certified coach, hypnotherapist, and co-author of the book I Am Perfectly Flawsome - How Embracing Imperfection Makes Us Better. She coaches high-achieving professionals in reducing their overwhelm and reclaiming their self-confidence, calm, and clarity to create a thriving life and career.
