I Thought These 11 Unhinged Things My Family Did Were Just 'How Everyone Lived' Until I Grew Up
Elzbieta Sekowska | Shutterstock As any person in their right mind does, I’ve often wondered: Is my family crazy? What on earth is wrong with these people? Most of us conclude that our family is not crazy; they just have their own quirky personalities, and it’s just who they are. Well, I didn’t.
My conclusion was clear: mine are insane. No question about it — completely bonkers. I’d just have to work around them if I wanted to have a chance at a normal life.
Working around them meant 15 years of therapy and a lot of avoiding family dinners, family holidays, family everythings. It eventually worked. They’re crazier and crazier as years go by, and I’m getting further and further away. Now I only get to see them about twice a year, and that’s more than anyone should.
I saw them the other day: we had lunch together at their place. I brought the cake; they brought the crazy. I stayed for about four hours, during which time they never (and I mean never, not for a second) stopped talking.
You know how most of us have thoughts that constantly flood our minds? Well, for them, those thoughts come out of their minds through their mouths and into the air around them.
It’s a constant verbal flood of everything populating their now aging brains. They’re constantly talking to each other, sending sentences back and forth, like a never-ending tennis match. If one of them goes to the bathroom, the other keeps talking until the other returns, and then they restart the match.
It was exhausting. I spent the next day in bed, mostly sleeping and trying to massage my brain through my scalp. Inevitably, I was reminded of my childhood, a place and time that I now only remember as a weird movie that I was never really a part of, more like a spectator at the adults’ show. Some of the representations were funny; most were slightly deranged.
I thought these 11 unhinged things my family did were just how everyone lived until I grew up:
1. My entire family is ashamed and terrified of the faintest mention of indecency
One time years ago, my parents received a filter coffee maker from a friend. When they opened it, the brand printed on the box was loud, clear, and hilariously offensive: Fukaki! They didn’t even open it, but threw it right in the trash. Obviously, coffee is off-limits if the f-word is anywhere in the vicinity. Everybody clutch your pearls!
2. My grandma hated people using too much toilet paper
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My cousin and I would spend our summer holidays in the countryside, in our childhood homes, with our grandparents. During these endless months of summer, we’d sometimes go to the bathroom — shocking, I know.
And when we did, we had to be very careful how much toilet paper we’d use. Because we just couldn’t get it right. My grandmother’s watchful eye would constantly monitor that pink and rough toilet roll like she was guarding a family heirloom.
No matter how much we used it, it was too much. It wasn’t just our rambunctious teenage behinds, though. It was everybody. Whoever was over, especially when there were many people, and you could just see that roll diminishing with every session, she would flip out.
People just didn’t know how to wipe! So they regularly had theirs handed to them.
3. My grandma also hated laughter
When that laughter came from other people, especially women. She just couldn’t stand it: ‘Why is she laughing so much? It’s indecent! Almost obscene! Can’t she see she’s bothering everybody?’ That poor woman wasn’t bothering anybody but Grandma.
She, on the other hand, was always frowning, always angry, always ready to suck all the air out of the room, and all the joy out of people’s hearts. Her main way of having fun was working past dinner time.
4. My father has an uncanny fascination with fruit trees
Not a single fruit tree escapes his notice or adoration. I remember this one time when we drove together to his parents’ home. It was late summer, and the trees were heavy with fruit: plums, pears, everything. It was like paradise to him.
‘Did you see that pear tree? Did you see how beautiful that was? I’ve never seen one more stunning! Those were Williams pears! Incredible!’
His eyes were glowing, his pupils blown. I looked at my mother. She didn’t seem to notice anything out of the ordinary. They usually don’t recognize abnormality in their own kind. None of us could utter a word about anything else. I tried. He snapped at me. I retreated.
5. My parents both loathe young love
When they hear about young people in their late teens or early twenties falling in love, getting together, moving in, and potentially being intimate, they lose their minds. It’s almost a personal affront.
“How old are those two kids? Twenty and nineteen? But I saw them kissing! Do their parents know?! What, are they deranged? What do they know about love at that age? Nothing! They’re going to screw this up big time! Those idiots!”
I guess we’ve proven who’s deranged, haven’t we? Apparently, love only kicks in after 25, and not a moment sooner. That’s when it’s okay to start kissing, start dating, and start falling in love, and immediately think about marriage, about a year after.
Romantic relationships should just be something that appears out of nowhere in your late 20s. Suddenly, poof, you’re ready! There should be no preparation, no learning curve, no trials and errors. You go out there, pick a person, and that’s it — happily ever after. And if you happen to find them sooner, you’re an idiot who doesn’t know anything about love.
6. My cousin married a man who looks exactly like her father
Nobody can see it but me, though. I’m not sure about strangers; maybe they can see it too, but our entire family has a huge blind spot for how physically and emotionally similar this guy is to her father, my uncle.
It’s uncanny — he’s just a younger version of him. I mentioned it once or twice. They looked at me like I was not only way off, but a deeply disturbed individual who says very inappropriate things.
What do I mean, he looks like him? He looks nothing like him — why am I being so disgusting? What kind of person would say something like that? Or even think it. The kind of person with eyes, I presume?
The funny part is that everybody hates my cousin’s husband with a vengeance, including my uncle. It’s hilarious watching him hate himself so much yet ask for unconditional love, attention, and respect from everybody else. My cousin cut ties with her family. Can you blame her?
7. My mother dislikes any display of skin from pregnant women
She also hates the very idea of pregnancy. She also hates pregnant women — herself included, when she was pregnant with me. God forbid a pregnant woman wear something tight, or a T-shirt that shows the baby bump, as women these days often do, because guess what? Pregnancy is a natural part of life, not a disease that needs to be hidden away.
She’s utterly disgusted by the whole thing. When she gave birth to me, she muffled every scream, any display of pain, because anything associated with the birth itself needed to be obliterated from existence, even the suffering. It was something dirty, abhorrent, disgusting.
At the same time, she was crazy about having children and did everything in her power to have some. She only managed to have one, me, because her body kept saying no and rejecting the pregnancy. I mean: can you blame it?
8. My mom always turns off whatever she considers unnecessary lights
Even when people are in the room, and they turn them on for … you know, the purpose of actually seeing. If you turn them back on, she’s stunned.
9. My paternal grandmother was believed to be a witch
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She wasn’t really, but she had a knack for messing with men’s brains and making them lose their minds and leave their wives. When she died, a shroud on her coffin caught fire while there wasn’t anybody in the room. Nobody knew how the flames happened, but the family was never more convinced of her witchcraft.
10. My father refused to buy used cars
Because "he never wanted to sit in someone else’s sweat." He has no problem buying second-hand clothes from a thrift store, though. Even second-hand shoes.
11. My mother hates sunlight indoors
So she makes sure every time the sun spills in through the windows, to quickly close the drapes. Again, even if others are there too. She just can’t imagine other people could actually enjoy the sun or anything other than what she does. Dare to inform her of a different preference, and she’ll fight you viciously. So there you have it.
Just a casual sampling of the quirks that raised me. Some families pass down heirlooms, recipes, or wisdom. Mine passed down paranoia about toilet paper, rage against young love, and an Olympic-level talent for talking nonstop.
Do I wish they were normal? Sometimes. But then I wouldn’t have all this free material.
Mona Lazar is a writer and unconventional relationship coach with words published in Better Humans, Medium, Illumination, The Soulciety, Newsbreak, The Startup, Hello, Love, The Good Men Project, Curious, and others.
