This Is The Most You Should Talk To Your College Kid Each Week If You Want A Good Relationship With Them, Says A Happiness Expert
Happiness expert Gretchen Rubin offered parents some advice for when their kids are in college.
Miljan Zivkovic | Shutterstock Becoming an empty nester when your kids go off to college can be a sobering reality for many parents. They might not know how to fill their time without the constant business of caring for their children. So, to combat these feelings of loneliness, many parents may feel the need to talk to their college kids all the time. That's a mistake.
A happiness expert named Gretchen Rubin claimed that parents should actually cut back on the time they spend on the phone with their college kids. In an interview on the podcast "Laugh Lines," Rubin told hosts Kim and Penn Holderness that when it comes to talking to their college-aged kids, there is such a thing as too much.
According to Rubin, parents should limit reaching out to their college kids to once a week.
Much to the horror of both Kim and Penn, who audibly gasped and claimed that they were not expecting that response and that it was a "dagger" to the heart.
"I think if you have a communicative child, that's wonderful," Rubin explained. "One thing you definitely don't want to do is interview for pain, which is when you ask like, 'Are you still fighting with your roommate all the time?' Or like, 'Is the food still bad?' Because you're asking for negative information."
Rubin also pointed out that many parents say they're happy knowing their child is happy and having so much fun while away at college. But that can cause undue pressure, as well. Rubin explained that kids will suddenly feel an obligation to be happy, even when they aren't.
"Parents always say you're only as happy as your least happy child. But I think for some children it's, 'I'm only as happy as my least happy parent,'" Rubin continued. "Managing the happiness of a parent is very, very hard, and I don't think that most parents want our children to feel that responsibility."
Most college students communicate with their parents daily.
According to a survey of 21,860 parents and 35 universities/colleges, researchers sought to examine topics such as students’ communication preferences in college, family satisfaction across various areas, and involvement in their students’ college experience.
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They found that an estimated 41% of students communicate with their families daily. That's a lot. In fact, it makes you wonder if it's too much. Most of them are communicating through text messages (95%) and phone calls (85%).
While it's got to be hard to find that balance between wanting to talk to your college kids and help them through life, while also wanting to give them their independence, the fact is, you need to give them space to fail, or they will never gain the confidence they need to thrive.
At the same time, parents shouldn't hold back on talking to their college kid just because there might be a suggested limit. In fact, some perfectly independent kids simply enjoy talking to their parents every day. Every family is different. The key is finding that sweet spot between staying connected and also allowing them to grow.
At the end of the day, staying in touch with your college-aged kid shouldn't even be about how often you speak to them, but about how you're talking to them. The key to any good relationship with a child who's growing up and transitioning into adulthood is about being an ear when they need one, but allowing them to make their own choices and be responsible for the outcomes.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
