Parents Who Accidentally Raise Entitled Kids Often Do 5 Well-Meaning Things
Valery Zotev | Shutterstock When children behave poorly, it doesn’t come out of nowhere; rather, their parents, consciously or unconsciously, tell them their behavior is acceptable. Parenting is hard work, and parents should certainly pick their battles, yet there are ways in which parents act and react that reinforce privilege in a negative way.
Parents who accidentally raise entitled kids often do a few well-meaning things:
1. Not enforcing boundaries
When parents don't enforce boundaries, they’re essentially telling their kids they can do whatever they want without consequences. Enforcing boundaries isn’t always easy, especially when your kid is in meltdown mode because they’re not getting that candy bar at the checkout line.
Parenting coach Cassie Gudmundson shared that holding boundaries actually leads to fewer tantrums over time. She says a parent’s reaction to poor behavior matters most when kids act out. She advises parents to remain consistent when setting boundaries, noting, “I know this can be harder if it’s a physical thing, like hitting, biting, scratching, pulling your hair, but your huge reactions… make the behavior worse.”
Gudmundson explained that parents have to help their young children listen to boundaries, “Give them a boundary one time, and then get up and help them be ready to help them follow the boundary, whether it’s removing them from the couch, taking the toy away, taking the water bottle off their hands.”
She believes that parents also have to enforce “natural and logical consequences” if a boundary is crossed, like “removing the situation from them or removing them from the situation.”
Another crucial part of helping your kids respect boundaries is letting them feel their emotions, even when they’re big. “Allow their emotions,” she said. “We are not going to try and distract them, tamp down their emotions, tell them they shouldn't be so upset. You get to set the boundary; they get to have their feelings about it, whether they're mad, angry, frustrated. They’re allowed to have their feelings.”
“Especially when you set boundaries the first few times, if you let them express their feelings, not being unsafe… and validate those feelings, they’ll release it, and then it’ll be much easier next time.”
2. Overpraising for ordinary things
Another way entitlement takes root in kids is when they get extreme praise for ordinary tasks. Supporting your kids and boosting their confidence are hugely important, but so is keeping their egos from getting inflated.
When your kid cleans their room, does their chores, or finishes their homework, express gratitude and let them know they did a good job without going over the top.
3. Solving all their problems for them
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It’s a fairly common sentiment for parents to want to be their kids’ fixers. Whether it’s an issue at school or with another kid, a parent’s instinct is to step in and make it right.
But when parents don't let kids problem-solve on their own, they don’t develop independence or an inner well of resilience. When parents take on their kids’ problems, it sends the message that they don’t have to be responsible for their own behavior, which can lead to entitlement in adulthood.
4. Comparing them to other kids
When a parent tells their kid they’re smarter, nicer, or prettier than other kids, they internalize that they’re superior and deserve special treatment.
Boosting your kid’s self-confidence shouldn’t come at the expense of other children. Instead of telling kids how much better they are than someone else, parents should praise their kids for their own achievements.
5. Not allowing them to lose
Another part of parenting that creates entitled kids is when you allow your kid to win every game, be the best at everything, or always succeed. Life isn’t fair, and letting kids navigate smaller injustices on their own teaches them to stand up to the bigger ones.
Even Tom Brady, who’s won seven Super Bowls, believes in the power of letting his kids fail, telling his kids, “I want you guys to fail because I want to see what you're made of if you fail, and when you fail, because life isn’t going to be just a smooth ride.”
Kids have to fail in order to win in the long run. Counteracting entitled behavior starts with instilling empathy in kids from a young age.
Author Amy McCready, who wrote The ‘Me, Me, Me,’ Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World, shared guidance for parents who want to raise compassionate kids. "Just talking about 'How do you think that person is feeling?' is so important," she said. “It's a way of un-centering our kids' universe and getting them thinking outside of themselves."
The sooner kids realize their needs aren’t always the most important and that other people have needs, too, the more likely they’ll extend graciousness to the people around them.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture, and all things entertainment-related.
