My Weird Aftermath Of Breastfeeding

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Like many women, I really struggled with breastfeeding in the fourth trimester. It hurt so much that I almost gave up. Yet I felt that internal and societal pressure to push past it so I could keep on breastfeeding.

I ended up breastfeeding until my daughter was 30 months old. To be honest, I would have stopped it long before but my daughter loved breastfeeding so much. I eventually had to stop it cold turkey after the agony of failing to wean her slowly. I just couldn’t do it anymore. It was a brutal week of transition but we got through it.

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My truth about breastfeeding: There was not a single moment that I ever enjoyed it. That makes me want to cry a little thinking back on that sentence but it’s my truth. I did it entirely because I believed in the benefits for my daughter and she had such a strong attachment to it.

My Weird Aftermath

My daughter is now almost 3. She wakes up every morning wanting to hug and touch my ‘boobies’. It’s weird. Some kids have teddy bears as security blankets, but my child just wants to cuddle with my chest.

I oscillate between needing to cut her off of this behavior and letting it go on for a little longer. If she ever gets upset, the first thing that will calm her down is to touch my breasts.

Why is this so weird for me? It’s even weird for me to write breasts or boobs. Like a taboo!

I think it’s because I was raised to be a bit prude-ish about ‘private parts’. I don’t really talk about this with other women because I think they will look at me as odd for allowing my daughter to still touch my boobs post-breastfeeding. How did we become so private about something that seems so natural and human?

The few people I have told agree with me that it’s weird. The only person that is wholeheartedly and completely okay with it is my partner (her dad). Perhaps that’s why I strive to be okay with it too, for now.

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There will come a day when I tell her no more and I do feel like that day is coming soon. I’m doing my best to follow my heart as to when it’s the right time for her and the right time for me.

Can someone please remind me why I’m supposed to feel weird about all of this again? It’s not weird, right?

To all the mamas out there

In the spirit of knowing intimately what the breastfeeding struggle is like, I just want to say:

  • To the women who had bleeding nipples and cried at every latch, I’ve been there and I see you.
  • To the women who agonized over how long to keep breastfeeding, I know exactly what that feels like.
  • To the women still figuring out the aftermath of breastfeeding, I’m right there with you.
  • To the women who went with formula or bottle-fed milk, by choice or not, I really, really understand. If I were to have a second child, I’d very likely do the same.
  • And to any woman who has ever been judged for breastfeeding or bottle-feeding or any combination of feeding, please know that you are perfect and you are making the best choice for you and your child. It’s what we do as mothers. Anyone who disagrees can shove it!

My way of saying that for you is also my way of convincing myself that it’s true. After all, we mothers are always just trying to do the best we can.

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Megan Llorente writes about motherhood, relationships, and entrepreneurship. She also offers coaching support for women going through a multitude of life journeys as a Professional Certified Coach (PCC). Learn more at yourmoderncoach.com.

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This article was originally published at Medium. Reprinted with permission from the author.