The 'Innocent' Old-Fashioned Joke That Good Parents Simply Refuse To Make
Sometimes the most potent lessons for kids are the ones we never realized we were teaching.
pics five | Shutterstock When we moved into our house in 2012, the little boy next door came over to meet my 10-year-old. He was 9, and I rejoiced that there was a potential playmate on our street for my daughter.
"There are lots of kids on our street," he assured me. "My girlfriend lives in that house, and she's eight." Say what?
I tried to keep my eyebrows from sprinting skyward, but I couldn't believe this child called another little girl his "girlfriend." My daughter looked at me out of the corner of her eye; she knows that type of language and situation is not allowed in our house.
When it comes to my children and preparing them for romance, I'm pretty conservative (if you haven't figured it out by now). Love, relationships are crucial events that can have a major impact on someone's life and influence their path. I don't want to under-prepare my kids.
Even though it's long been considred innocent, or even just a joke, I don't think it's appropriate to call boy-girl friendships "boyfriend/girlfriend" until they're much older. And, while I'll acknowledge my approach is conservative, I'd rather be safe than sorry. I just don't find it cute — nor healthy — to allow children to mimic romantic affection as a form of play. Here are a few reasons.
Why good parents refuse to make the old-fashioned joke that kids are boyfriend-girlfriend
1. Children should be practicing friendship skills
At a young age, children need to be learning non-romantic peer interactions: how to resolve disputes, consider the feelings of others, and even stand up for themselves. These aren't easy skills — even for adults.
If you allow or encourage kids to play at romance before their platonic friendship skills have developed, they're going to venture into confusing situations. Their hearts are bound to be hurt by situations they're not mature enough to understand.
How is my 10-year-old daughter going to deal when her "boyfriend" wants to "break up" on their two-day anniversary, or he won't hold her hand because it's sweaty? Those are small heartbreaks she just wasn't equipped to even consider yet.
2. Parents have a responsibility to offset the message society is sending
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There is an abundance of shows featuring children in romantic relationships at a young age. It's hard to avoid them totally; even Ariel, the Little Mermaid, was 16 when she married Prince Eric.
Tween shows from the classic iCarly to various YouTube Kids shows feature kids dealing with relationship issues. Unless you keep blinders on them, your kids can't help but see the passion-driven commercials aimed at their parents.
Heck, my 10-year-old was fascinated by a royal wedding we watched on TV. Young people see relationships and romance everywhere, but seeing romance on TV doesn't prepare kids for the reality of it.
3. Kids get habituated to romantic behaviors learned too young
One of my childhood friends got her first kiss in the fifth grade, with a crowd of kids cheering her and her boyfriend on. I was a late bloomer and didn't get mine until much, much later, at a time when a kiss was no big deal to my early-blooming friend.
I want holding hands to be a big deal for my daughter when she's 16 — not something that she's been doing with her mini-boyfriends for so long it's boring. The longer hand-holding and smooching remain exciting, the better the chances that she'll be content before she's interested in putting herself into more adult situations.
4. It's hard to change the PDA rules when kids hit puberty
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I've heard a lot of parents laugh about their kids' playground romances and remark on the cute factor of the mini PDAs. "They're young," they say. "It's innocent." Yes, it is innocent and there's a sweetness to it — now.
But when you tell a child that romantic behavior is OK, it's hard to backtrack. If you let a child snuggle with her boyfriend while watching a movie at 8 years old, she's gonna be confused and resentful when it's suddenly not OK at 11.
Finally, today's society is one where men and women, boys and girls, work and study side-by-side in almost every situation. From the military to medical school, our kids need to be able to interact with people of the opposite sex without needing to turn every situation into a potential romance.
Collen Meeks is a freelance writer who writes about relationships, family, and motherhood.
