Kids Raised By Parents Who Didn't Really Listen To Them Usually Carry 8 Habits Into Adulthood
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock Parenting requires a lot of doing, but when that isn’t paired with plenty of listening, it hurts kids in ways that affect them for the rest of their lives.
Children who felt unheard growing up don’t just feel better as they get older and find people who really support them. There are some habits that they’ll always carry with them, even though they can be damaging.
Habits kids who grew up feeling unheard by their parents carry into adulthood:
1. They apologize more than they need to
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People who apologize when they don’t need to usually do it because they feel like they’re making life difficult for others. They don’t believe in themselves, so they try to make themselves smaller and more agreeable.
This is the kind of behavior that people can pick up as kids when their parents never listened. Instead of meeting their needs with acceptance, their parents acted like they were too much to deal with, or maybe even flat-out ignored them. That leaves a mark.
2. They never complain
Even the most positive people need to vent sometimes, but people who didn’t feel like their parents listened to them hardly ever complain. They learned to be people-pleasers to keep their parents happy, and they never stopped.
These people think that any kind of complaint would make them seem difficult. They’re willing to do whatever it takes to not start any conflict, so they stay quiet. This can be really harmful when their complaints are valid and could help other people, too.
3. They become as independent as possible
There are people who are self-reliant, and then there are people who never ask for or accept help. It’s not hard to understand why someone would feel that way when they weren’t able to depend on their own parents when they were young.
People who didn’t grow up with that support have learned to equate asking for help with being a burden. That’s the last thing they want to do, so they stay quiet and take care of themselves instead, even when it’s not healthy.
4. They don’t trust their own memories
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It sounds incredibly disturbing, but children can be gaslit just like adults can. Having their reality twisted like that makes them question what is and isn’t real, and that usually doesn’t end in childhood.
Their parents constantly invalidated their emotions when they were growing up. That kind of dismissal from someone who’s supposed to take care of them will make them second-guess everything. Even if they’re sure something happened, they could spend the rest of their life wondering if their memory is accurate.
5. They shut down when they feel like someone doesn’t care
We live in a time when everyone is easily distracted. People sometimes check their phones or try to keep up with five different trains of thought without even realizing it.
That’s really bad for people who weren’t listened to as kids. The insecurities they developed then will make them believe that the person they’re talking to doesn’t care if their attention wavers for just a second, which could easily make them think they should never even try to have a conversation in the first place.
6. They listen to others super closely
Everyone wants to feel heard. People who never had that experience growing up go above and beyond to make sure the people they talk to don’t feel ignored as they did. This can be both good and bad, though.
Listening is a huge part of communication, so it will benefit them in that way. But it could become toxic pretty quickly if they listen so much that they never speak up themselves, or expect their listening skills to be rewarded with other people treating them the same way.
7. They don’t ask questions
When someone who’s used to never being listened to doesn’t totally understand what a friend said, they never ask questions to clear up their confusion. Instead, they do their best to figure it out on their own. That’s what they learned to do when their parents treated them like an afterthought.
Research has shown that people are usually better liked when they ask questions, though. That’s heartbreakingly ironic when you consider people who have been through this in the past probably just want to feel like someone else truly accepts them.
8. They practice conversations ahead of time
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Psychologists have concluded that quality conversations are important because they form the foundation of the relationships that keep us healthy. People who are desperate to be listened to might take that a little too seriously, though.
Whenever they tried to speak up as a child, they were basically ignored. To make sure that doesn’t happen again, they’ll turn conversations into some kind of sport and practice them before they ever happen.
This isn’t always a bad idea, but it can easily become obsessive and prevent people from forming authentic connections. It won’t help them to spend all their time ruminating on something that’s already triggering for them.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
