I’m A Gen-X Parent: These Are My 3 Quiet Worries About Raising Boys Today
chabybucko | Canva As a Gen-X parent of boys, I look at the news, at the world outside my window, and it freaks me out. As a dad, I want to be everything I can be. I want to protect my kids from the hurt and fear and sadness that's coming down the pike for them, but I know there's only so much I can do.
I do have some serious credentials when it comes to being a boy. (And when it comes to being a man, too.) Even though I feel like I'm a pretty good specimen when it comes to being a male member of society, I still look really hard at who it is I'm actually trying to raise when it comes to these two lads.
You can't predict the future, obviously. (And no matter what anyone says, I'm one of those guys who thinks that a child's personality is probably about 75% developed long before they ever even slip out of the womb and make their debut on the world stage.) Yet, a dad can make a heck of a difference, too. I know this because I never had one, really.
My dad was out of my life from the time I was eight until I was in my 30's. At the same time, I had a stepdad from the time I was 16 who made a drastic difference in my life and showed me what a man should be, and more importantly, that a dad, even if he's not your "real" one, can still be your real dad anyway.
So with all that in mind, I wanted to share a bit about the things that worry me about raising boys. They aren't things I don't feel like I can deal with or handle, mind you. They're just towering realities that I intend to focus on over the next 20 years or so as I help two young fellows find their legs and their hearts and souls in this crazy, beautiful world of ours.
As a Gen-X parent, here are three quiet worries I have about raising boys today:
1. Worry about how many jerks they'll have to deal with
Let's face it: As many centuries have dragged on by and humanity has continued to evolve (I use that term quite loosely), we're probably at a point in time right now where I think it's safe to say what I'm about to say.
A lot of people are jerks. And when I say that, I don't mean in superficial ways, like they're Dallas Cowboys fans. What I'm saying is what we all know: Too many people are really rude, selfish, and disrespectful to do much good in this world. I'm determined not let that happen with my boys, even if it kills me.
Love, in and of itself, is a natural barrier to this nonsense, thus by giving my sons unconditional love - even when they're going to challenge me with amazing displays of utter ridiculousness and random acts of senselessness - I will be one-upping the main opponent when it comes to whether my kids turn into full-time jerks or not.
By listening to them instead of always jamming my big, fat, over-inflated opinions down their throats, I'm (hopefully) going to be able to understand them better as the years slide by. And by developing a very real respect for me, their dad, as well as for their mom, they'll understand, even subconsciously, that respecting other human beings is the main ingredient to a life well lived. No matter who these humans are, no matter what God they believe in or who they have relationships with or what their favorite ball club is, it really is.
Because respect is born of love, and it breeds peace. Hippie as that sounds, it's the simple truth. And we need more of those things in this world. A study tracking thousands of kids found something that really stuck with me: When boys get bullied, they struggle way more than girls do with the same treatment, showing higher levels of withdrawn behavior, social problems, and aggression, which tells us boys might actually take the cruelty of their peers harder than we think.
2. Worry that they'll think fighting solves problems
August de Richelieu / Pexels
Males are born with this twisted chip in their brains that causes them to feel both threatened and instigated all at the same time. It's part testosterone, part survival mechanism, part pure idiocy. Having been a guy for 43 years, I can tell you without hesitation that there are way too many boys and men alive on this planet who use violence as a very real option in situations they find themselves in.
I don't have the slightest idea how to help my two sons understand that violence is never cool. I really don't. Sure, I've watched it go down, and I've tasted my own blood on my own lip,s and I know for a fact it's harrowing and haunting. Violence can change a mind forever; even just a two-minute violent experience can mess up someone's outlook on life for the rest of their days.
And what's the point of that? I know we live in a society that's addicted to violence, and I know it'll never end because there is no ending to humans' delusional power trip. But if you zoom in on the camera of fatherhood until it's seriously tight and focused on the sons in your life, the best thing you can ever do is to fight back against violence. I'll talk to my boys about protecting themselves in the schoolyard.
But at the same time, I'll make very certain that they are fully aware of all the violence in this world and that they can practically avoid every episode of it if they understand that they're made of something bigger and better. And that their minds are the only weapon they will ever need to continue to live on and on and on.
3. Worry about when someone breaks their heart
It's a funny thing, love. We're raised in this modern society to believe that women actually feel more when it comes to emotions and such. But that's total nonsense, and you and I both know that, right?
Men hurt, y'all. Men crumble in the wake of love's loss just as much as women do. And just because a dude might be the starting quarterback on the high school football team, that shouldn't ever negate the reality that if his super-popular girlfriend cheats on him with some cool quiet stoner (ME!) under the bleachers, he's likely to feel real emotional distress. He's likely to be heartbroken. (Then of course, there's the distinct possibility of the whole violence thing again, but you already know my take on that one).
I want my boys to know from a very young age that it's perfectly cool and normal to feel all the highs and lows that love can bring. And that it's never going to be a problem for them in their lives if they ever want to cry about love/do backflips for love/run through a cornfield with no clothes on for love/or talk to their old man about love.
I'm here to listen to whatever confusing or exhilarating things they might be feeling inside when it comes to loving another person, be it a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or whoever. Love isn't just something young guys should have to figure out on their own, and whoever started this whole silent campaign to allow that to happen is a straight-up jerk, plain and simple.
Serge Bielanko is a writer and musician who has been published on Babble, Huffington Post, Yahoo, and more.
