3 Emotional Fixations Kids Develop Early That Can Become Utterly Toxic In Adult Life
Alexander Grey | Unsplash As I lay in bed next to my wife one Sunday night, a thought pounded at my head like a kick drum, getting louder and louder. It wasn’t like it crept up and blindsided me, though.
The past year left plenty of red flags as I wandered around in a state of lethargy. Everything I had done seemed hollow and meaningless, and I had run out of mulligans. I was beginning to understand why so many men my age decided to just say, “forget it."
I'd officially hit my midlife crisis. Ironically, it was the same point when I had achieved all the things I was taught that would make me happy. I was at my fighting weight of 200 pounds, I had a beautiful home life, and my business was thriving.
I bounced back and forth between anger and fear like a wimpy kid being tossed by two bullies: Anger at a world that failed to live up to our implied contract that if I did XYZ, I’d live happily ever after; fear from thinking my best days were behind me, and the reaper was just around the corner.
It wasn’t like I’d never heard of a midlife crisis. I’d seen it before in many men. I knew it was a normal segue to old age, and I still hadn’t lived. While a midlife crisis may be a normal part of every man's growth, the pain he feels and the way he deals with that pain are very personal.
I wasn’t a stranger to this level of pain. After spending over 25 years as an addict, this felt very familiar to me. During my journey of recovery, I came to understand dependency very intimately, and it occurred to me that this, too, was dependency rearing its ugly head in my life once again.
A man's midlife crisis is created by dependence, and without dependence, it cannot exist. This time, dependence was wearing a different mask.
It didn’t show up as a bottle, needle, or a bet. It was one that first introduced itself to me long before those things, one I share with all human beings, not just the ones stigmatized by society.
Dr. Joe Dispenza, a neuroscientist and author of several books, including Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself and You Are The Placebo, gives convincing evidence of the three dependencies we all develop early in life, long before we’re introduced to any harmful substances.
Here are the 3 emotional fixations kids develop early that can become utterly toxic in adult life:
1. Fixation with our bodies
2. Fixation with our environment
3. Fixation with the concept of time
These are the three faces of dependence that cause many of us to hit that proverbial rock bottom at midlife. As our bodies begin to let us down and our environment no longer views us as the stallions we once were, we become confused and afraid. Then our obsession with time kicks in as we see ourselves moving closer to our funerals than our birth dates.
As a recovery life coach who spends a great deal of time around dependence and mature men, I can say with certainty that one of the most devastating and deadly side effects of that dependence can be the midlife crisis.
Coming face-to-face with your mortality can be scary. Many men will add a few more additions to their diets as a way to self-medicate. Others may grow a ponytail, buy a Corvette, and start banging women their daughter’s age; all of which only provide temporary relief from a deep pain that comes from not knowing who you are anymore.
When we attach our identities to temporary things, our identities, too, are temporary, and we find ourselves in a constant chase to reinvent ourselves.
That chase is no different than the alcoholic pursuing that long-lost high, oblivious to the fact that it’s gone forever. Sadly, many men continue this hopeless chase throughout their lives and go to their graves, never harvesting the fruits of their years of labor.
Like all dependencies, the road to recovery begins with awareness and surrender. Those who become willing can begin their journey inward and find that permanent joy and serenity that all the success, riches, and intimacy in the outer world didn’t provide.
When we finally begin our inner work, the outer physical world becomes more beautiful too, because we see it for what it is, a mirror reflecting our true self. The illusions disappear, and the opportunity to finally live the life you were meant to live presents itself.
In therapist Robert A. Johnson’s book, Living Your Unlived Life: Coping with Unrealized Dreams and Fulfilling Your Purpose in the Second Half of Life, he goes into great detail about this very topic. I strongly recommend it to anyone dealing with a midlife crisis.
Entering your inner world comes with challenges you didn’t have when you were first introduced to the physical world. There’s excess baggage that you’ll need to dispose of first. Judgments and beliefs will impede your ability to think with the child’s mind; you need to open yourself up to all the new wonders.
At 58 years old, I see clearly how everything in my life has been preparing me for this time of awakening. The time when I get to see reality rather than relativity. The time when judgments and perceptions get replaced by real knowledge. My Destiny.
Greg Boudle is a certified recovery life coach, published author, and professional speaker. He is the founder of Life Beyond Clean, a platform helping people in recovery move beyond sobriety into purpose and transformation.
