Don’t Ask Your Kid How Their Day Was When They Get Home From School, Says A Parenting Expert
The way you feel after a busy day is the same way your child feels.
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock Sending a child off to school can be hard, especially when they’re young. Naturally, when they get home, you want to know exactly how their day went, but asking may not be the best option.
Child development specialist, early interventionist, and parenting coach Caley Kukla shared in a TikTok post that the best thing you can do for your child when they get home from school is to create a sense of calm and connection for them. Unfortunately, asking about their day doesn’t really fit the bill.
Parents have to keep in mind that their kids are exhausted after a full day at school.
“Here’s your annual back-to-school reminder that questions are not connections,” Kukla explained. “So when your child gets back into your car at school pickup, don’t start peppering them with questions. Questions, even well-intentioned, may trigger a meltdown or a total shutdown.”
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Kukla said that it’s completely understandable to want to hear about your child’s day. In fact, if you didn’t, it would be more than a little concerning. “But here’s the thing,” she reminded viewers. “They just had a day. So much excitement, so many nerves, so much socialization, so many new expectations in a new environment with new peers with a new leader. It’s mentally exhausting.”
The expert said to think about how you feel after a busy, full day.
“Think about how you feel at the end of the day when you’ve been with your kids all day and they have a million questions, a million demands, and they ask, like, one too many, right?” she advised. “It’s demand fatigue. And questions are demands because they’re really expectations, right? When we ask a question, we expect an answer in return. And that’s a cognitive demand on our child, who’s probably already cognitively depleted.”
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If someone were to come up to you at the end of a busy day and start asking you a ton of questions (which you might have experienced before, since kids do this fairly often), it’s not going to make you happy and ready for a conversation. Instead, you would just shut down. That’s how your kids feel.
Kukla had a solid alternative that still allows you to show your kids you care. “So instead of asking them a question, when they get in your car today, just offer them some reconnection with, ‘It’s so good to see you. I was thinking about you today,’” she explained. “And then wait for them to share their energy with you. Are they bubbling with excitement and can’t wait to tell you? Are they feeling frustrated? Or do they just need to sit and decompress?” This allows you to gauge what it is your child is most in need of at the moment.
It's okay if your child doesn't want to talk about school right when they get home.
When asked why a child may not want to discuss their day with their parents, Dr. Stevie Puckett-Perez, PhD, a licensed pediatric psychologist at North Texas’ Children’s Health and assistant professor at the University of Texas Southwestern, said it’s probably not what you think.
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“There are lots of reasons this happens, but it is rarely because your child doesn’t want to talk about things. Kids want to talk about their days and connect with their parents. They just need to do it on their terms,” Dr. Puckett-Perez said. Dr. Puckett-Perez also recommended taking a step back to give your child some space and just create a good environment for them instead of jumping straight to questions.
It’s hard to hold back from asking your child how their day went when you’re so eager to know as a parent. But experts agree that it’s probably best to give them some space and assess their mood before doing so. They’ll tell you what happened, they’ll just do it in their own time.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
