If Your Child Uses These 5 Phrases, It’s A Clear Sign They’re Outgrowing You
It's a bittersweet feeling.
Max Ovcharenko | Unsplash Look, it’s going to happen. We should prepare together. If all the wizened grandmas we run into at the store are any indication (and I think they are), this is going to happen sooner than we like.
It goes so fast, they say as we remind our toddler for the 15th time not to pick their nose. Ugh, but yes, I’m sure she is right. Now that the child has pulled something out of their nose, it does seem like it happened too fast.
I don’t have a tissue and am utterly unprepared for the treasure. Is that booger an allegory for our children growing up? Likely it is not. I can’t even make that sort of a stretch.
From my own experience, this outgrowing you thing is going to start to happen right around the time your kid starts developing a great personality. All that work you put into shaping that winning personality? It’s going to be handed over on a silver platter to his or her Johnny-come-lately “friend.”
You’ll know when the personality is starting to take off because they stop parroting you all the time. That isn’t to say that parroting you wasn’t rife with great material.
But never mind that. This is a list of the subtle changes to look out for when your child starts to get a little too big for their britches. And by “too big for their britches,” I mean ready to cut the cord, too cool for school, free-falling, spreading their wings to fly, or opening milk cartons on their own.
If your child uses these 5 phrases, it’s a clear sign they’re outgrowing you:
1. When you ask, 'How old do you think I am?' they tell you the right age
We have all lived the cuteness that is asking your child how old they think you are. You know they are ready for a little more space when you ask them, and you are met with an answer that is a little too real.
They no longer give cutesy answers like 1,000 years old or 14. Instead, they give your real age.
In worst-case scenarios, they give an age younger than your age and wrinkle their nose at the idea that someone could live long enough to reach that age. When this happens, you understand they have reached the time of life when they need to back away. They need to find friends their own age who they can’t insult in such a manner.
2. 'I don't want to come with, I'll stay here'
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When your kids ask you where you are going, they no longer try to convince you to take them with you. They start to ask to figure out how much time they will have to be away from you (Ugh, quit cramping their style.)
Their questions even have a twinge of dubiousness in them. Maybe it’s your imagination, but are they questioning whether anyone wants to spend time with you on purpose?
Not cool, kids, not cool. Your mom happens to be the life of the PTA party! Ain’t no party like a PTA party, ‘cause a PTA party don’t stop!
Developmental psychologists call this a secure base phenomenon, which describes how your child feels safe enough in your relationship to explore independence, while still maintaining a connection with you. This transition, while sometimes bittersweet for parents, is actually a testament to successful parenting and healthy child development.
3. 'No, I don't want to dress alike'
When you dress sort of alike and announce, “Twinsies,” it no longer results in a high-five and a smile. It now evokes an immediate retreat. The next time you see them, they will have a different outfit on.
Likely, they even changed their socks just in case. Little do they know you wear your Christmas socks all year round.
What they had thought to be a brilliant reflection of their individuality and non-conforming to norms has placed them right back in Twin Town. Population: 2. Now that you have gotten wise, you will not announce it. You will hold this close to your heart and cherish it.
When children begin to resist matching or coordinated activities, it often signals they're entering a new developmental phase where asserting their individual identity becomes more important. Research shows this isn't rejection of the parent, but rather a necessary step in healthy development.
4. 'Nothing' and/or silence
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They start spilling their secrets to the younger sibling instead of you. Granted, you still hear the secrets because younger sisters and brothers are never to be trusted. Still, it hurts to be relegated to a secondhand keeper of secrets. A voyeur into the world you helped create.
There, there. Here is my hanky (I learned to carry it after the Granny Store Incident of 2023.) Keep it as long as you need. It’s not new. It’s seen some things. As far as hearing the secrets, try not to worry. You will be first again in time.
Research shows that when we transition from being a primary source of support to an indirect observer, it can create a unique form of grief. We're close enough to still receive the information, but distant enough to feel the loss of intimacy and influence.
5. 'Please don't talk to me at school'
They don’t want you to walk them up to school or really walk with them at all anymore. Did you try all year to get him/her to go to the playground or into the classroom all by him-/herself so you didn’t have to leave the car?
Yes. Does it still make you tear up every morning as he/she trucks up there confidently, bag slung over one shoulder like a “cool kid”?
You don’t have to answer that, and you still have the hanky if you need it again. Parenthood: It’s like winning while you are losing.
Mandy Waysman is a freelance writer. She has been featured in the Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, In The Powder Room, BonBon Break, humorwriters.org, Sammiches & Psych Meds, and other parenting sites.
