If You Heard These 4 Phrases As A Child, You Were Raised By A Mother Who Wasn't Ready To Be A Parent
Certain words from childhood reveal more than you think.
Bianca Berndt | Unsplash While society often paints motherhood with broad strokes of instinct and natural nurturing, the reality is way more complex. Some mothers step into this role before they've had the chance to heal from their own childhood wounds, or simply reach the maturity that effective parenting requires.
The phrases that come from parents who were not ready for that role often reflect a mother's own pain or overwhelm rather than any lack of love for her child. Healing is possible, and understanding where these messages come from is often the first step toward writing a different story for you and your family.
If you heard these 4 phrases as a child, you were raised by a mother who wasn't ready to be a parent:
1. 'You'll never amount to anything'
Unfortunately, many moms blurt out mean messages. You know the ones I'm talking about. It's all those phrases said in moments of rage, anger, and heated debates.
The negativity of those words impacts how you feel about yourself as an adult. If you were told you were 'bad,' deep down, you'll always feel you are bad.
The opposite holds as well. Many moms were overcompensating for the way they were brought up, which was probably regimented and a bit cold. As a result, you might be having difficulty in today's competitive, economically challenged world. You feel entitled but don't have the tools to compete and survive.
Re-examine the messages you received from your mom during your formative years. Re-think the negative or unrealistic messages you were given. Formulate new thoughts and beliefs that more honestly reflect on the person you are today.
2. 'You won't amount to anything if you don't go to college'
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The Bachelor's degree of today is the same as the high school diploma of yesterday. Most career paths require graduate and doctoral degrees, and experience.
Oftentimes, vocational training is far more useful than a four-year college degree. You'll be prepared for an actual job or occupation. It's up to you, not your mom, to figure out what's right for you. There's a delicate balance between happiness and paying the bills.
When an unready parent simultaneously imposes high academic expectations, the message that college attendance is non-negotiable can lead to a sense that the child is only worthy of love and support if they meet these specific academic and career goals. One study indicated that this can feel like a personal agenda for their parents' love and make adult children feel they cannot be their true selves.
3. 'You have to have a baby'
If you are in your 20s, chances are good your mom has asked, "When will you give me a grandchild?" You might be expected to have a baby by older generations.
The world is overly populated as it is. Stop and think. Do you really want to be a parent? Having a baby is a lifetime commitment. It never ends.
It also means that you may be forever tied to the father of the baby. Try to see all long-term partners as the potential father of your future child. Choose wisely.
Make sure you share similar values, trust, and commitment. Remember that divorce is hurtful both to you and your child. Children need consistency and security. Would you be willing to share child-rearing duties with an ex and his new spouse?
Having a baby is the most important decision you'll ever make. You have the power, intelligence, and ability to decide what is inherently correct for you.
A parent who says this might be projecting their own unmet desires or feelings of inadequacy, using the child to fulfill a purpose that the parent feels they themselves are missing. A 2023 study explained that this statement blurs the boundaries between parent and child, suggesting the parent isn't providing the child with the stable, supportive environment needed for healthy development.
4. 'Everything happens for a reason'
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The idea that painful events occur because they were meant to occur is simply unhelpful. It's more accurate to understand that most of life is out of our control. That includes people, places, and things.
Every day, we encounter inexplicable news surrounding death that is shocking and inconceivable. Hence, the a need for an underlying meaning.
The real truth is that things just happen sometimes — tragic events such as fatal accidents or children falling ill occur without any real explanation. Acceptance is the only real way to work through human horror.
Zoccola makes an important point in its controversial slogan. Never forget Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. Never forget questionable truths like "swallowing a watermelon seed will cause fruit to grow in your stomach" or "You'll get sick if you swim too soon after eating".
This phrase can serve as a way for emotionally unavailable parents to avoid confronting difficult emotions or to dismiss a child's feelings. Research has found that this leads to developmental trauma and long-term effects like low self-esteem and difficulty with emotional regulation.
While some of these statements are merely passed down and well-meaning, others are more insidious. Be careful of the ideas that are accepted as truths but do not necessarily hold for you or your life.
As an adult, you can sort out these messages. It's like cleaning out your closet. Keep what you need, discard what you don't. Reflect and figure out what is meaningful to you. Formulate your own beliefs and remember to allow your own future children to do the same!
Jackie A. Castro is a trauma-informed therapist with over two decades of experience helping adults heal from the lasting effects of childhood pain, difficult relationships, and emotional burdens.
