Parents Who End Up With Really Great Kids Tend To Say These 9 Things To Them All The Time
Tom Fisk | Canva According to renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman, dysfunctional conversational patterns between couples can predict divorce — and dysregulated kids. Those harsh words exchanged by unhappy parents have a significant impact on the couple's children. The opposite also holds: parents who exchange kind, supportive words can predict the couple's relationship satisfaction and end up with really great kids.
The phrases parents repeat in ordinary moments — when a child is scared, proud, frustrated, or unsure — slowly become that child's inner voice. And the parents who end up with really great kids, the ones who are kind and confident? They tend to say a few powerful things so often that their kids start believing them about themselves.
Parents who end up with really great kids tend to say these 9 things to them all the time:
1. 'How can I support you?'
Ask questions that show your interest in what your partner or child needs from you — such as, “How can I support you?” Remember that, even if your heart is in the right place, rude or commanding language is not likely to make the other person feel like you care for them. When you commit to something, like finishing a task, be specific in terms of exactly when you will get it done — don’t say “next week,” say “by noon on Wednesday” — and, whenever possible, define what terms like “finished” mean, precisely.
Marital research shows that the person who leaves a relationship often decides to leave years before. By the time they say, “I’m leaving,” they’re already mentally gone. Help prevent this disengagement by asking the right questions and being specific in your commitments.
2. 'I'm listening'
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Most of us think we’re good listeners. But when someone else is talking, we are often busily fast-forwarding to what we’re going to say in response to what is being said, rather than actually listening to what is said. When I first posed this statement to my son, I got a six score. The main reason? “Well, you do look at your phone a lot when I’m talking,” he said.
He was right. So, together, we came up with a plan to help me become a better listener: If he caught me looking at my phone instead of listening, he’d say a silly code phrase to help me refocus: “purple elephant.” Other techniques which can help you listen better include repeating what the other person just said, word-for-word (it’s tougher than you might think!), and, simply, acknowledging when you let your mind wander and asking your partner to repeat themselves.
3. 'I know I hurt you, and I want to apologize'
A friend once told me about a relationship she had with a man who was constantly saying “sorry.” I liked the analogy she made: “He uses the word sorry like a toll paid that allows him room for misbehavior instead of a fine that brings with it an acknowledgment that he did something wrong.”
A real apology starts with an honest acknowledgment of the harm done. It is the start of the process of reconciliation. Maybe you feel you had good reasons for the behavior that hurt your partner. Put your relationship before your reasons. Apologize.
Relationship coaches Drs. Debbie and David McFadden advised, "The ability to apologize effectively and with appropriate emotion is vital for healthy relationships and conflict resolution. Secure attachment fosters this capacity through individuals' strengths in empathy, emotional regulation, and willingness to take responsibility and seek repair."
Leadership in partnership is taking the lead and being the first to apologize. Sometimes that’s taking the lead and apologizing for your part in the breakdown in the relationship, even if the other person is not willing to apologize for their part.
4. 'Tell me more'
Problem-solving is the default mode for many men. Thus, when a partner or child starts talking about what’s happening in their lives, or about an issue they are facing, men often start firing off solutions, rather than actually engaging with them.
Rather than presuming to know what’s happening in your partner or child’s mind, or trying to direct them toward paths or solutions you think are best for them, become someone who shows interest in their thoughts, ideas, and proposed solutions. The phrase, “tell me more…” can serve as a powerful tool in this regard.
5. They avoid using 'always' and 'never'
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Criticism erodes relationships. If you make criticism the primary way you ask people to change, you will sow the seeds of discouragement and frustration in the long term. Even in the best relationships, asking for a behavior change is sometimes necessary, but be sure when you do so, you keep your language focused on actions, rather than inadvertently attacking the other person’s character.
Two good rules: First, drop “always” and “never” from your lexicon — as in, “You are always running late/ never on time;” second, do not follow the words “you are” (or the rhetorical version “are you”) with a negative adjective or noun — as in, “You are lazy.”
6. 'You're allowed to take up space'
The words you speak to others often stem from the way you speak to yourself. Is your self-talk affirming or negative? Does it inspire, or admonish? When I was twelve years old, my father frequently called me “undisciplined and lazy.” Years later, despite twenty years of working sixty- to ninety-hour work weeks, I still sometimes catch myself in self-talk using those same words.
The words we use when speaking to ourselves and others set the stage for the action that will follow. So, be as mindful of the words you use with your children and spouse as you are with your actions, because your words will echo through the communication patterns in their minds and in your family for decades to come.
The late Dr. Marshall Rosenberg — author of a book famous within top business circles, but little-known elsewhere, called Nonviolent Communication — argues that people’s actions (their words) are driven by a desire to fulfill their needs.
Start listening not just to the words you and others say, but to the needs hidden within those words. Doing so will help you better communicate whatever is underlying your own feelings, and also allow you to approach others’ feelings with more understanding and compassion.
7. 'I see you're mad ... but what's really going on?'
Anger can destroy connections, but it can also serve as an opportunity to create stronger bonds. Anger differs from other emotions. Psychologists often refer to anger as a secondary emotion because it is a signal of one of the primary emotions: fear, shame, guilt, hurt, or sadness. Rather than expressing anger, if you can identify and then express the emotion beneath your anger, you can build connections with your partner or child, rather than fray them.
For example, my friend Amy was able to improve her contentious co-parenting relationship with her former spouse by asking herself what underlying emotion was driving some of his bad behaviors. By recognizing the fear and shame that lay beneath his bullying attitude, and responding from that frame of mind, she was able to interact with him more compassionately — a move which, ultimately, caused him to change his own approach.
8. 'You don't have to stay around people who make you feel bad'
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Whatever toxic communications habits you’re working to overcome, make sure you don’t make that process harder — for you or your family — by allowing people still locked in poor communication patterns free rein in your life, or theirs. "Do you really want to surround yourself with negative people?" asked life coach Ora Nadrich.
"Some people are doomdayers and subscribe to the belief that the world is coming to an end. The world keeps getting predicted to end, and we're still here. Be clear about what your position is on how you see things turning out: positive or negative."
You may not have full control over who you work or socialize with, but you can demonstrate your commitment to better relationships by not wavering in your own choice to pursue compassionate communication. Your shift may spark one in others.
9. 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you'
Another way to present The Golden Rule:
Spouses: With my words and actions, I demonstrate love, kindness, and respect toward our family members, even when they are not around.
Fathers: With my words and actions, I demonstrate love, kindness, and respect toward your mother, even when she is not around.
Mothers: With my words and actions, I demonstrate love, kindness, and respect toward your father, even when he is not around.
These statements apply even if you are not married to the mother or father of your child. How you treat the mother (or father) of your children will become the unconscious baseline of what your children will expect — and accept — in their own romantic relationships. Married or divorced, the parameters of your relationship will become the default setting for your kids.
Krister Ungerbock is the former CEO of a global tech company and a leadership language expert. His insights have appeared in numerous national and international publications, including NPR, Forbes, Inc., Chief Executive, and Entrepreneur.
