Why Am I So Angry? How Anger Management Can Help Harness Your Emotions
What is the reason behind your anger?
getty Do you find yourself wondering, "Why am I so angry?" How important is anger management?
Anger is normal. We feel angry when we feel wronged, harmed by others, or witness others being harmed or treated unjustly.
Anger may trigger feelings of fear and helplessness in those who experience it and to those who witness it. Hence, people turn on their fight-or-flight mode to defend against anger — until they can no longer hold back and it explodes!
When anger manifests in relationships, it's usually in the form of these two behaviors:
1. Pursuing behaviors.
- Clinging
- Controlling
- Confronting
- Verbal or physical aggression
2. Stonewalling behaviors.
- Avoidant withdrawal
- Emotional shutdown
- Refusing to communicate
- Completely ignoring the other person
Over time, especially in close relationships, we easily accumulate so much resentment that all we want is to get back at or get even with the person who keeps doing the "wrong" thing to hurt our feelings.
How do you "deal" with anger, then?
When we are feeling deep pain, it might be easier to externalize the responsibility onto the other person who "caused" our pain.
It might be more difficult for us to see clearly how we, ourselves, also contribute to or perpetuate the cycle of pursuing and distancing or other fight-and-flight patterns — including frozen anger, which is a type of passive aggression.
In frozen anger, the person may appear like a "saint" without a temper, but their frozen or withholding behavior gives frostbites to others.
If we can be truly honest with ourselves, it always takes two to tango!
Anger is a defense mechanism and the fuel of anger is fear.
And, yes, anger can really hurt. But anger is often a secondary emotion. What underlies anger is usually fear.
Whilst fear makes us feel weak and vulnerable, anger is like a steroid that gives us a rush of energy and pseudo-strength.
True strength lies not in anger, which is fear in disguise, but in love!
The true antidote for fear is love.
Deep, genuine love is like volcano lava — it can melt away anger and overcome all fear reactions.
Hence, the question is not about managing your anger but a much deeper and harder question: How do you melt anger?
More specifically, how do you melt for the person who truly matters to you? As Olaf said in the animation movie, Frozen, some people are worth melting for.
When I allow your love to comfort me, I become okay again.
When you don’t mind coming into my messy emotions — not as a hero to save me or a parent who takes care of me — but as a partner who shares my burden, then you truly see me and know me, my strength, and my vulnerability.
Deep down inside, we all want to be known and loved, just as we are. Not as a child, a weakling, or a dependent. But as the strong and vulnerable person that we are created to be.
Therefore, anger is really an invitation to dig deep and draw out your true passion.
Anger is scary, but passion is sexy!
When you can see your anger as passion, then you can allow little shifts inside you. When you can allow shifts and movement inside yourself, then you can begin to act differently outside in all your relationships.
When you can relate differently with others, out of your own inner shifts and not because of external change, you can finally take hold of the joy and power inside you.
You will no longer succumb to the whims and needs of people and situations outside of yourself.
Let your anger reveal your true passion!
Like volcanic soil, the lava that covers the earth makes it fertile. So the passion from anger may kill or be transformed into fertile ground, ready to create more life, love, and growth.
Dr. Wai-Sheng Ng (Psy.D.) is the founder and clinical director of Growing Space Psychology Center, Malaysia. She has 18 years of experience in the mental health field, working with individuals, couples, and families. Check out her private practice and articles on her website or get connected with her now at her email drng@growingspace.org.