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By Todd Creager — Written on Aug 26, 2018
Most experts will tell you that the secret to knowing how to have good sex is all about confidence. But, while confidence can be defined as the belief in one’s own abilities, and while, in many areas of life, confidently believing in your own abilities can truly get you far, there are many of areas of life where confidence is not just about abilities — and the sexual arena is definitely one of them.
That's because knowing having good sex isn't about just one person. It's about two people, and sex with one particular person is always a different experience than having sex with someone else.
That someone else has different desires and preferences than you do, and sometimes, even when you really do want to please a woman in the bedroom, you may not be sexually compatible. Or, you may find there a lack of emotional connection between you.
What we know about sex is constantly evolving, and professionals in the field of sex education and sex therapy we always learning new things about what goes into creating an optimal sex life.
When it comes down to it, being good is less about confidence in your own sexual abilities and more about these five things:
- Your capacity to tune into the other person
- Your willingness to learn and adapt
- Your willingness to teach the other person what you like
- Your comfort as a sexual student, and not necessarily need to know all the answers
- Your willingness to try new things that you may not be very good at yet
That's why the number one way to be more sexually confident is practicing radical self-acceptance.
With radical self-acceptance, you don't judge yourself based on your “sexual performance.”
You know there is much you have to learn about being a better lover, especially with one particular person, and especially with that person over the course of a long-term relationship.
What kind of role models do men have for cultivating a long, hot marriage? Practically none!
The answer then is to be open to learning and discovering new ways of relating to your partner, both in and out of the bedroom. This means being humble, and it means being a beginner in the sense that you can always learn and shift, and you are never a finished product when it comes to being a lover.
When you shift from a performance mindset, which comes with standards of measurement and conditional self-approval, to a mindset of radical self-acceptance, you give yourself the freedom to explore and develop your sexual sensitivity and multiple sexual approaches. Being OK with “eternal beginner status” allows you to leave your comfort zone, and even to be somewhat awkward at times, which in turn allows you to be a more adventurous sexual partner.
As you stay in this mindset, you become less self-involved and less concerned about your abilities or your sexual prowess. This gives you the freedom to focus on and stay present with your partner.
I, myself, have been in the sex therapy field for many years, and yet, I am still constantly learning about new developments in understanding the erotic female body, as well as mine own. I remain aware that there are people who know more about certain aspects of sexuality than I do, and I am therefore a willing student of other people's articles, books, and videos.
I know some things, sure, and I also have a long way to go. I totally accept that about myself.
The most important thing is to continue practicing, experimenting and applying what you learn in the context of your own marriage or relationship.
Radical self-acceptance reinforces the openness to learning, as well as the willingness to adjust as needed and to develop an adventurous sexual spirit. You don't have to be a sexual prodigy to be capable of tuning into your partner, having fun with her, and enjoying being present with her.
Follow the path of radical self-acceptance, and it will lead you to what I believe is true sexual confidence.
Todd Creager is an expert in relationships. For over 30 years, he has worked as a relationship therapist, specializing in marriage, sex, and couples counseling. For more information, drop him an e-mail.
This article was originally published at Todd Creager's Website. Reprinted with permission from the author.