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The way your external relationships reflect your relationship with yourself.
By Karen Cherrett — Written on Apr 14, 2019
Learning how to be happy with yourself is the best way to find happiness in other relationships, too.
Think about it: Do you notice that when you’re feeling good and okay, you interact with others in a happier and friendlier way? You connect with them and are more engaged.
And, in the same way, when you are having one of those bad days where nothing’s going right and you’re down on yourself, the last thing you want to do is engage with others and be all friendly. The people out there that you engage with seem just as bad, as if that is all that you can attract.
Our mindset and the way we think about ourselves in any given moment can have a big impact on our interactions and relationships with others.
If we see ourselves as useless, worthless, wrong all the time, unworthy of love, negative, stupid, in a hopeless situation, and everything bad under the sun, our interaction with anyone in the outside world will be tainted.
How do you learn how to be happy with yourself in times like this?
It’s one of those crazy things, but if I see myself as being wrong all the time and I go into a situation with someone else believing that, then I see them as making me wrong. I engage with them in a way that confirms that I’m wrong. It can’t be any other way.
There's always proof that we are not okay. Do you notice that? Have you noticed how there is always proof from others that show you that you are all the things you think you are and how you see yourself?
Most of the time, when we go about our day, we aren’t even aware that we are believing these things about ourselves. They are so ingrained in how we are and how we see ourselves. These beliefs start in our childhood.
It’s as if we’ve created a story of who we are and what that means about us and how we engage with the world and ultimately our relationships, and it’s not possible to see things any differently.
I’m sure you can always find examples of relationships you had during school that showed you all the things you thought weren’t good about yourself. There is plenty of proof that shows you who you really think you are.
Is it any wonder that our external relationships, reflect our inner world?
It’s like moths to a flame. You feel like you don't know how to be happy with yourself. And so, you attract people to have relationships with that reflect the lack of happiness you feel and who you think you are.
As a result, we feel useless, and the people that we have relationships will also feel useless. They won’t be able to get out of their own way. With these people, we love to have pity parties, often. That way, we can tell ourselves just how ‘useless’ we really are together. We falsely tell ourselves that they think we’re that way, so of course, it’s true.
Having a sense of worthlessness attracts us to situations and relationships where our sense of worthlessness is very evident. We bond with people who think they aren’t good enough at their jobs and who tell you how undervalued they are by their partners. And, of course, that reflects how you are thinking about yourself, too.
When you believe you’re wrong all the time, you will naturally attract people who are going to be "right". They are there, interacting with you, just to confirm for you that you’re wrong because that’s how you see yourself.
There’s no one out there who would want to have a relationship with you because you’re not lovable or worthy of love.
Your mother didn’t love you, so why would anyone else? You see everyone and every relationship that you have as a reflection of this story you have about you as a child, with your mother.
Your negativity also follows you around. If all you do is speak negatively in any conversations you have, the people you interact with or have relationships with will show you their negative sides. Or perhaps, you will see only their negative sides. Any positive side they may have will be closed off to you.
Believing that you’re stupid will lead you to put yourself down around others. When you do this all the time, others can’t help but get sick of you doing that because more than likely, they will see a different side to you that you’re unable to see.
The life that you’re leading and the relationships you have will seem like a hopeless situation that you can’t get yourself out of, which makes sense if you are only seeing the reflection of your own feelings about yourself in all the relationships you have.
So, it’s clear that how happy you are with yourself — your own relationship with yourself and how you see yourself — has a big impact on your other relationships.
What can you do to change your inner relationships and learn how to be happy with yourself?
Notice your self-talk. Notice how aware you are of the other person's behavior or mannerisms. By doing this, you may be able to then become aware of how you are acting or reacting towards the other person. By becoming aware of how you see yourself through the way you see others, you can now start making changes.
Then, from there, you can begin to ask yourself this question: Is being that way and seeing yourself in that way serving you or your relationship?
Living life with unhealthy relationships means you are living life with an unhealthy relationship with yourself. It is possible to change that self-relationship to a healthy one if you are willing and open to start seeing the patterns of behavior and the story that drives each of your relationships.
Karen Cherrett is a Life Coach working with people to shift their mindset about who they think they are. Grab a free 90-minute Deep Dive session by booking time in her calendar and learn how to shift your relationship with yourself and others.