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Start approaching dating differently and meet the right partner for you.
By Tess Brigham — Written on Feb 02, 2020
"I keep picking the wrong guys and when I do have a connection with someone, it never works out!"
"Why won't he text me back? Did I say the wrong thing?"
"We had a great date and then he just ghosted. Is something wrong with me?"
Sound familiar?
Dating and falling in love in the modern world can be tough — especially when you tend to self-sabotage yourself, most of the time without even knowing it!
You can learn how to find love by approaching dating differently.
There is plenty of dating advice and tips available now and, yet, many people still end up in relationships that are wrong for them.
There seems to be a misconception among my female clients and friends that dating and looking for love in the modern world means accepting just about anyone that swipes right on your profile and hoping they turn out to be someone you can tolerate.
However, this mindset is what spurns many women to make many mistakes in their search for a relationship.
Here are the 4 ways you self-sabotage finding love.
1. Trying to mold or bend reality to fit your ideal
If he tells you that he’s a "loner," he doesn’t "do relationships", or says, "I’m not in a place to commit to anyone," believe him!
Don’t convince yourself that he wants a relationship or if you wait long enough, he'll change his mind. He's clearly telling you, "I don’t want a relationship."
As Maya Angelou said, "when people show you who they are, believe them."
Rationalizing and justifying their behavior will only lead to disappointment.
2. Accepting unacceptable behavior
We can't control other people's behavior but we can choose what we participate in.
Does he express how much he likes you and then do nothing? Or maybe there are no texts or calls for a week and then he shows up again claiming he's been busy? Or maybe you give him another chance and the same thing happens again?
You have to accept that you're playing a part in this behavior. He’s busy, he’s dating many other people, or "he’s just not that into you."
He’s telling you that he likes you but not enough to focus completely on you. People make time for the things that matter to them. Move on and find someone else who will make time for you.
3. Settling for less than you deserve
If at any time in a relationship, the other person and they make you feel sad or "less than"... run!
Many of my clients ask, "What makes up a healthy relationship?" and the number one thing I answer is this: the way the person makes you feel.
There are a million people out there who would be lucky to date you. Why settle for someone who makes you feel "less than"?
4. Not getting clear on what you're looking for
When I ask my clients "What are you looking for in a partner?", they’re stumped. When I ask, "What kind of relationship do you want to be in?", again, they are stumped.
The problem is that they’ve never thought about it because they believe that they have to settle for whoever swipes right.
What I suggest to my clients is this: Create your very own list of "ideal mate" characteristics.
Dating is all about experimentation and learning what works and what doesn’t work for you.
Yet, I don’t believe that "being a modern woman" means that you have to compromise your sense of self or "settle" for treatment that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.
Are you ready to love and be loved in return? If you find yourself repeating these behaviors, it's time to take a step back and re-evaluate what you're looking for.
You deserve a love life that's fulfilling and lasts for a long time.
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Tess Brigham is a therapist and coach working with millennials and twenty-somethings. For more guidance on finding love, visit her website to schedule your free consultation.