Tired of online dating? It may be time to hit refresh on your love life.
By Sheila Robinson-Kiss — Written on Sep 24, 2011
In our busy lives, online dating is the best chance many of us have to find a loving, lasting relationship. I should know — I used online dating for nearly a decade (!) as one of many paths to meeting my Mr. Wonderful. Are All Guys A**holes?
I learned a valuable lesson during my active dating years, namely that sustained effort is the path to success in all areas of life, including love. Whether your goal is marriage or meaningful companionship, venues like Match, eHarmony, Ourtime, and Zoosk are winning bets. Many people walk away and never reach their love goals online or anywhere else because they become fed up with the highs and lows that are inherent to online dating.
Alex and Libby live six miles from each other. They don't know one another but they have a few things in common: they both love sports, have dogs, work out, are attractive, and enjoy the theater. They are both members of Match.com and both recently hid their profiles due to online dating fatigue. Last week Alex had a less-than-promising date. And the two guys that Libby was chatting with vanished into thin air. "I'm done!" she declared. "I'm doing everything right and nothing is happening!" Meanwhile Alex has vowed to rededicate himself to working long hours to numb the angst of his recent dating disappointments.
What a shame! They were a simple mouse click away from bliss, but decided to give up too soon due to dating fatigue. This does not have to be your story. By following the 5 steps below, you will learn to successfully sustain your efforts to find love, and even have fun on the journey:
1. Declare out loud and on paper that giving up is not an option. The reason love has become the holy grail of happiness is because it's not easily found and truly a path enriching our lives. Most things worth having are worth hanging in there for. Once you make the decision to declare your commitment to the pursuit of love, giving up is no longer an option.
I suggest putting your declaration in writing and reviewing it on a weekly basis. Once you've embraced your declaration wholeheartedly you can go about the business of exploring love avenues without thoughts of giving up ever entering your mind. Dating After Divorce: How Soon Is Too Soon?
2. Free yourself by facing the realities of on-line dating. Online dating is a mixed bag where you'll find a lot of sweets and a few nuts. You will find that people lie online just as they do in life. The difference is people take far more liberties due to cyber courage. For example, I once had a date with a guy who Photoshopped his entire face. When I met him and his six chins, I felt so duped and did not agree to a second date.
When those moments happen, you will handle them and move on swiftly. Brace yourself for the disappointment and they won't hit you as hard. On the flip side, among the bad apples you'll encounter, there are also plenty of sweet peaches just waiting to be picked. Maintain a balanced perspective and you will leverage more control.
3. Schedule freeze days in 3, 7, and 15 day blocks. We can overdose on things that are good for us, including online dating. There are a number of reasons that online dating can become overwhelming. Many of my clients have talked about the fatigue they experience when attempting to manage the uncertainty involved in the process. Will she be back in touch? Is he everything he seems to be? Could this possibly go somewhere?
Others mention feeling as if they are on display in a fancy meat market. It can be emotionally exhausting putting the proverbial best foot forward again and again. The antidote is scheduling freeze days. Consider taking freeze days in 3, 7, or 15 day blocks. It's your designated time to freeze all online dating activity and focus in on recharging your personal battery.
Work out, read, veg-out, shop — do whatever makes you feel good during this time. Remind yourself of all the reasons that you're worthy and deserving of any and all good things that come your way when you're in the freeze zone. As for potential on-line dating candidates; they will be there when you make your next cyber appearance.
4. Identify your love zones. The top three fears that most people battle are 1) heights, 2) public speaking 3) and rejection. Online dating exposes us to one of our greatest fears: not being embraced or accepted. Many of us will need to kiss multiple frogs before we find that special prince. Others will be asked to take a hike and go play on another lily pad more than we'd care to admit. In either case, it does not feel good when things don't work out. Understanding Stress & How To Manage It
It really helps to stay in close contact with members of your love zone when you're dating on-line. The members of your love zone are the friends and family that care for you deeply. These are the people that don't care how your hair looks and will return your calls. They will remind you of just how warm and loveable you are on a routine basis.
5. Open up your other portals of success. Online dating is simply one portal that can lead you to love. Socializing in your community, speed dating, networking, volunteering, church gatherings, and parties are other viable ways to meet that special someone. Keep an open mind and heart and you'll be amazed at the results. Putting all your eggs in one basket is never a good idea anyway. The universe wants to fulfill your desires. You can support these efforts by opening every possible channel to make that happen.
Good luck to you, my friend. I believe in your ability to make good things happen in your life.