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Your guide to saving — or ending — your marriage, once and for all.
By Sean Jameson — Last updated on Nov 24, 2022
The day you wake up and say to yourself, "I hate my husband!" is not a happy one.
Nobody goes into a marriage with the hope that they will end up hating their partner, but sadly, it happens more often than you might think.
I'm going to explain how to save your marriage by pulling it out of the deepening well of hatred it's been sinking into for longer than you may be able to remember — or how to recognize when what's done is done.
You need to start by understanding that changing your attitude and feelings will not happen overnight. It takes time.
You'll also find that it's often a combination of things that helps you get over your hatred, hurt and anger — not just one magical technique.
Once you understand the underlying resentment you feel, you can start taking the necessary steps to stop hating your spouse, or begin making your exit strategy.
What to do when you hate your husband
1. Accept what's happened and leave the past behind you.
The most challenging but effective technique to stop hating your husband is to accept that he may not be perfect and may have made some mistakes in his past, then do your best to leave them in the past.
This can be especially helpful if you hate your husband because of something he did just once or while drunk.
Try to understand that he is not perfect and made a mistake and then coming to peace with that mistake are crucial steps to take in moving forward and starting to love your husband again.
2. Find the good in your husband and in your marriage.
Another super powerful way to stop hating your husband is to become hyper-aware of his good attributes, habits and the kind things he does for you.
Being appreciative and showing him your appreciation will actually make you feel more connected to your man.
At the very least, try making a mental list of what you like about your husband. Even better, write that list down on a piece of paper you can look at when you begin to forget those good things again.
Accept him for who he is, both the good and the bad. Nobody's perfect, so start paying more attention to what he's doing right instead of focusing on what he's doing wrong.
3. Work on communicating more effectively with your spouse.
Improving your communication with your partner can work wonders in reducing your resentment. It's incredible how much a lack of proper communication creates anger and hatred in couples.
You may find that letting your husband know something is bothering you as he is doing it will be much more effective than saying nothing and letting your frustration build and stew.
4. Try something new in the bedroom.
One of the quickest ways to stop hating your husband is to simply try something new in the bedroom.
Adding some spice back into your love life will release feel-good hormones, deepening your bond and reminding you both of better days you've shared in the past and could very well share in the future.
5. Talk to him about your problems.
Without being overly confrontational, set aside a particular time to sit down and talk through your relationship problems. Make sure there are no interruptions and turn off your phones so that nothing can get in the way of discussing your issues to work them out.
Plan on having some ideas of what can be done to help salvage the relationship, but he'll also need to contribute. Be willing to compromise to a certain extent while you work out your problems.
If you don't feel comfortable talking at home, meet in a public place instead, where the presence of strangers will hopefully make you both behave well.
6. Look at things from his side.
It takes two to argue, so instead of trying to bend him to your will, think about things from his side. You may be upset because he pushed you away instead of having sex, but maybe he's exhausted from working two jobs to keep the mortgage paid.
Is he flirting with other women because they're giving him the attention you're not giving him? Stop and pay some attention to him.
By putting yourself in his shoes, you'll be able to see what's going on from his perspective, and how your own behavior may be lacking.
7. Be emotionally honest with yourself.
If you're pretending everything's coming up roses in your new home while he has to do all the work on the fixer-upper, you're not letting yourself see the whole picture. Being honest with yourself and your husband will make a big difference in how you work things out.
8. Remember that marriages take work.
From the time girls are young, they're told that someday they'll meet the handsome prince, get married and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, life isn't a fairy tale. Your relationship took work when you were dating, then when you were engaged and tied the knot.
It still takes work after the wedding, and a good amount of it. Set up date nights to get out and enjoy time together, set aside time for each other or try something new together to reignite the spark in your relationship.
9. See a therapist.
Before you start screaming, "I hate my husband!" try talking to a therapist, especially if there's been a serious change or loss in your life recently.
It could be that a lot of the anger you're directing at him has more to do with something you're going through because you've lost a loved one you didn't get to reconnect with, or his job meant you had to move, and you didn't speak up against it or other reasons that caused an emotional rift.
Knowing your own motives and hot spots will make a huge difference in fixing your failing relationship, even if you can't get him to see a therapist with you.
How to know when it's time to call it quits
Unfortunately, there are some situations that can't be fixed, whether it's the third time you caught him cheating or that he just isn't willing to put the work into the relationship anymore. At that point, it's crucial to have an exit strategy.
If things can't be worked out and you're still hating your husband for what he's been doing, it's time to make a plan.
Try to sit down and amicably discuss what needs to happen next, how to make plans for your children, mortgage and any other significant concerns.
Even if you think everything will go smoothly in a divorce, you still need to document everything, from who has been paying the bills and taking care of the children, from taking them to school in the morning to feeding them at night.
Don't get into another relationship until you're clear of this one and have recovered as much as you can from the emotional toll it will take.
Though hating your husband is a terrible situation to be in, it can happen in relationships. You can either accept who he is and love him despite it, work things out together to improve the relationship or you can get out.
Nobody is going to change your relationship if you're not willing to, so deal with the problem as best you can and move on with your life, whether together or separated.
Life will get better, but only when you take action.
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Sean Jameson is the creator and editor of the Bad Girl's Bible.