6 Things To Do With The Person You Love When You're Bored
Break that routine before it breaks you up.
Getty In all aspects of life, men and woman must consciously choose between security and predictability on one hand, and challenge and adventure on the other. And perhaps no where is this more evident than in the areas of dating, love and romantic relationships.
In the beginning, couples embrace the new adventures and thrills their relationships bring. As they get to know each other, become comfortable with each other, and settle into a steady kind of love, their adventurous nature falls into sleep mode, giving up challenge and discovery in exchange for comfort and security.
Both partners invest less energy in the relationship as they develop predictable rituals and routines.
This process, referred to as "habituation" in psychology, often leads partners to feel taken for granted, and is one of the main reasons it's so difficult to maintain a healthy, happy relationship or marriage over the long run.
After you have been in a relationship for a while, everything is familiar, and there are no more surprises. Early on, it is romantic when a couple can complete each other’s sentences, but after a while, predictability becomes a huge negative in long-term relationships and marriages.
Too much predictability leads to indifference, and in time, apathy turns to annoyance, exasperation, and irritation. The security that was once a protective castle now becomes a prison as a couple finds they've become boring, and bored with each other.
While many couples don't realize the extent to which their relationship problems arise from habituation, boredom is almost inevitable when any relationship lasts long enough.
It is easy to lull into routines, and routines and boredom go together.
So the question isn't about whether boredom will show up in your relationship; it's about how you the two of you will deal it when it does.
While routines can be comforting for people, especially when there are children involved, they are essentially the death knell for many relationships and marriages.
If you want you want to stay happily together for the long haul, habits need to be broken and re-imagined on a regular basis.
In a landmark study led by Arthur Aron at Stony Brook University, 53 married couples were randomly assigned to engage in activities labeled either "new and excited" or "pleasant but routine" for 90 minutes every week, over the course of ten weeks in total.
As reported in Business Insider, "After 10 weeks, the researchers reassessed the couples' relationship quality and found that those who had tried new and exciting things were the most satisfied."
Those findings were further bolstered when Aron led a second study nearly a decade later, in which "dating and married couples completed either a boring task — walking back and forth — or an exciting one — walking and navigating obstacles while they were Velcroed together.
The researchers measured couples' relationship satisfaction before and after they completed the task, and sure enough, couples who had completed the exciting task showed greater changes in how happy they were with each other."
The secret to keeping a long-lasting relationship healthy, happy and interesting is reintroducing of a sense of adventure into the life you share together.
The shared excitement will bring you and your partner closer, and the new sights and sounds will shake away any stubborn boredom lurking in the shadows. Making an effort to change how and when you do the things that you do on a daily basis will make all the difference.
For those of you feeling stuck in a relationship rut, the following list of ideas will help.
Here are 6 things to do with person you love when you're bored to break up your relationship routine.
1. Watch something together.
Sure, you watch TV and movies together. But what we are talking about is just the two of you: no kids, no gadgets, no sitting far apart. So, hold hands, snuggle and feel yourselves getting closer.
Experts say that you can use the TV as a way of connecting with your partner.
In the past, many households had only one TV and not that many shows to choose from. Couples often bonded in the living room watching shows together. Nowadays, Television has become a solo activity. You will realize that you do not always sit in the same room with your partner to watch anything.
Find a show or a movie that appeals to both of you and watch it together. You will not only be spending some time together, but you will have something new to talk about. Bonus points if you can watch the show live, which will enforce a specific time to hang out together each week.
2. Replicate your favorite early dates.
Relationship coach Melinda Carver says it's essential for couples to go back to the activities that they both enjoyed at the beginning.
Sit down, take a moment and revisit the memories of your favorite dates together. Do you remember your first date: heart racing, clammy hands, perfect hair, the deodorant, the butterflies, and the excitement? It can be another ‘first date,’ but unlike the first one, this one will be delightful.
This date will remind you of all the good times you have shared together and the great qualities you saw in each other. What were you wearing when you met? What were the first words you spoke to each other? Where was your first date? Recreate your first date and reconnect with your partner.
3. Take up a new hobby together.
Hobbies and interests change as your relationship develops. Try and find something that interests both of you. Hobbies enable your partner to understand you better and give both of you cause for celebration. Take a photography class together and the take sexy pictures of each other; take a cooking class and then invite your friends over for a meal you have not cooked before; take up biking or hiking together and explore the area near where you live, learn a new language.
Research shows that learning new things together as a couple increases the excitement in the relationship.
Remember, it does not matter what new activity you pursue. All that matters is that you pursue it together and have fun while doing it. Enjoying new hobbies is exciting, which is an excellent antidote to boredom because you know what? It is impossible to be bored when you are excited.
4. Play a game.
Games are fun and a great stress reliever.
But that doesn't necessarily mean you have to play game of cards or a board game.
Simple conversation starters can lead to fun in places and times where a more formal game may not be appropriate.
Here are a few classic examples of games to try playing together:
- Would You Rather: The game requires that you ask a question that starts with ‘would you rather ...’ followed by a hypothetical scenario. The scenarios that you give must be creative to make the game fun. This game is an excellent way of bonding while getting to know your partner a little bit better.
- Song Lyrics: This is a great game for music lovers. One partner will quote lines from a song, and the other will guess the song that the lyrics are from. The game could extend to classic lines from movies. You can make the game exciting by formulating a punishment for wrong guesses.
And try a few conversation starters like these to help liven things up:
- "Which celebrity’s dress sense do you think I should have a go at copying?"
- "Which outfit of mine do you desperately wish I’d never bought?"
- "What music from your childhood do you want our children to listen to?"
5. Get out of your comfort zone.
One cause of boredom is that you have both gotten too comfortable. Every once in a while, broaden your experiences by doing something scary. You could skydive on a random Saturday morning or hike that cliff that nauseates you by just looking at it. Remember, you do not have to be in actual danger; you just have to nudge yourselves out of your comfort zone.
Just do something together. The crazier the activity, the better. You will get a hike of adrenaline and inject a new breath into your relationship.
6. Try something new in the bedroom.
Sadly, sex is the first thing to slide when relationships grow, and responsibilities increase.
The pressures of life may make it hard to maintain an adventurous sex life. By the end of the day, people are tired and intimacy is rushed. And although being with someone who knows exactly what you like and how your body responds to different things can be comfortable, having the same kind of sex all the time can be boring.
Bringing something new and exciting to your sex life will kick the boredom from your relationship.
Research has shown that couples who have sex at least once per week report the greatest levels of happiness and satisfaction with their relationship overall.
To avoid sex becoming routine, make it fun.
Try new things in the bedroom that you have probably only talked about, such as:
- Sext each other throughout the day
- Have spontaneous sex somewhere other than the bedroom, such as in the car, on the stairs, or in the laundry room
- Plan a romantic date night complete with candles, essential oils, lingerie, rose petals ... the works
- Try new and different sex positions
- Have sex at a time of day you normally wouldn't, such as during a midday break or when one of you can't sleep in the middle of the night
- Experiment with role play and fulfilling each other's fantasies
You get the drift.
Whatever it is you do, do something new or different every once in a while.
As stated by Jessica Maxwell, lead author of a study on social psychology at the University of Toronto, "Your sex life is like a garden. It needs to be watered and nurtured to maintain it."
So if you want to prevent boredom both inside and outside your bedroom, remember that good sex takes work.
Remember, the biggest cause of boredom in relationships is routine.
All human beings crave variety, and you and the person you love are no exception.
It's perfectly normal to feel bored in your relationship at times. What is not OK, though, is simply accepting it, then simultaneously complaining about it and becoming complacent.
If you want to keep your relationship exciting, aim for adventure and surprise every once in a while.
Randy Skilton is a relationship coach dedicated to helping guys understand themselves and become better men, husbands and lovers.