Love, Sex

3 Ways To Tell Him You’re Sorry When You Mess Up BIG

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Messed Up Big? 3 Ways to Tell Him You’re Sorry

When you realize you’ve messed up really big, you know you need to apologize. But the biggest challenge is learning how to say sorry.

Guys need to hear you say "sorry" and, contrary to popular belief, make up sex isn’t always the answer.

Makeup Sex And The Intimacy Fallacy

There will always be conflict in a relationship between two people. The hope is that there’s more agreement than conflict, but the latter will always be there — no matter how healthy the relationship is.

Sometimes, especially when you have strong-willed or emotional people involved, disagreements can transition from a heated argument to passionate making up with very little time in between.

In some cases, this leads to make up sex where couples find themselves in a momentary state of emotional bliss. The problem is that make up sex is nothing more than a shadow of actual intimacy.

"Intimacy is about a mutual love and balance, while drama is about extremes and fantasies. Make-up sex often reflects the unconscious fantasy to be able to make everything better with sex," says Seth Meyers, Psy.D. "Sadly, it’s often after couples have this heated sexual moment that they feel sadder and more lonely when the old feelings come back."

Sex is not bad and actually plays a very important role in creating a healthy relationship or marriage that’s emotionally and physically satisfying. But don’t immediately revert to it as the best solution for making up. Give it time and learn to make up in healthier ways.

Regardless of what people may tell you, guys are not animals who only want sex. You may have to dig a little deeper to connect with your guy on an emotional level, but he does have feelings.

Here are some ways on how to apologize:

1. Just speak up.

"If you’re like most people, your perception of the situation is clouded by the hurt you’re feeling when someone you love is upset with you," personal development specialist Lori Taylor notes. "It also might be difficult for you to acknowledge and accept your reaction to any situation as being in your control."

But you can’t let your feelings get the best of you. No matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel, speaking up and accepting responsibility are the keys to moving on. It’s impossible to make up without doing this first.

2. Offer a gift.

Many guys get great joy out of tangible gifts. There’s something about being able to hold a token of affection that makes it all the more powerful, especially when an apology is in play.

If you’re separated by distance, sending something —  such as a gift basket with a note — is an awesome way to tell your guy that you’re sorry and ready to move past the point of conflict.

3. Commit to improving.

Have you exhibited a pattern of continually messing up? For example, do you blow up and get angry with your partner every time he leaves a dish in the sink? Do you drink too much every time you go out and say things that hurt his feelings?

In situations like these, where the problem persists and reoccurs over time, "sorry" may not be enough. Apologizing is important, but it might be met with an eye-roll. What you really need to do is make a commitment to change. This could look like going to an anger management class or promising to quit drinking.

Brushing over conflict with make up sex may feel right at the moment, but can have disastrous long-term effects. Many times, the problem isn’t actually dealt with and sex is just an excuse for moving on.

Take sorry seriously and learn how to genuinely apologize when there’s conflict.

Paula Mooney is the author of several books (most written under pseudonyms to protect the guilty), her essays and articles have been featured in national print magazines such as Writer's Digest, and in major online publications like Yahoo, Examiner and more.

Watch Robert M. Gordon's TED Talk about the power of apology: