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Understanding men doesn't have to be a difficult task. You just need to know a few basics about how they think and communicate.
By Orna & Matthew Walters — Last updated on Aug 12, 2023
Understanding men has long been a quandary for many women. What does his behavior really mean? Why did he do or not do something? What does it mean about him?
We're all unique, however, there are some general rules that apply to most men — but not women — when it comes to relationships.
Men, in general, behave differently than women in similar situations and have different strategies for dealing with things. Understanding some of these differences goes a long way towards creating healthy, happy, and lasting relationships.
If you want to understand men, here are seven things you must do and know.
1. Don’t overthink his behavior.
Men aren't subtle — they aren’t giving you secret messages under the radar. If he likes you and is interested in a relationship, he’ll find the time to make a move and ask you out.
Many women spend their time dissecting a man’s behavior through some kind of "guy morse code" to discover his intentions. In reality, if he wants a relationship, he’ll go out on a mission to find a woman he wants to claim for his own.
If his behavior is ambiguous and you don’t know if he's interested or not, then you have your answer: He's not looking for a commitment.
Look at his behavior to enlighten yourself to his feelings. If you need to analyze him, you’re in danger of filling in the blanks and making things up because you have feelings for him. If you have to justify and rationalize why he is or isn’t taking a particular action, you could find yourself risking dating a man who is not an ideal match for you.
You might be wishing for him to be different, but you’ll save yourself a lot of heartache by nipping things in the bud and moving on.
2. Know that he'll pursue you if he wants to be with you.
Dating hasn’t changed very much, even with the addition of online dating and dating apps. But the actual pursuit of a committed relationship hasn't changed for a few hundred years.
When a man finds a woman he likes, he pursues her for a relationship. Things have become confusing in this modern digital age because many women have started behaving more like traditional men.
Men have always desired intimacy with no strings attached and, recently, women have decided they, too, can hook up and move on with no commitment. This can create a confusing situation for many women because they begin bonding with a man through sex, whereas a man will bond with a woman whom he believes understands him.
If a man wants a relationship with you, he'll pursue you for a commitment. You won’t ever have to ask him where the relationship is going because he’ll be showing his devotion every step of the way.
It’s only confusing if you’ve misunderstood his desire for companionship and intimacy, even if he’s not ready for a committed relationship. These men play the role of a woman, hoping that she'll do all the heavy lifting for them by being proactive, pursuing, and paying the check.
You’ll waste a lot of time with a guy who wants you to be the man in the relationship while you spend your time hoping, wishing, and praying that he’ll step up to claim you.
3. Be aware that he can't read your mind.
Attraction doesn't come with mind-reading powers. He won’t instinctively know whether or not you like the door opened for you or to occasionally buy you flowers. Understanding a man includes knowing his limitations as a human being. He doesn’t know about you until you share what makes you tick.
Teaching someone how to treat you is the moment you start communicating with him. If he does something you like, tell him so that he continues to do that thing. If he does something you don't like, tell him and give him another option.
Women tend to be stingy with important information and hold their cards close to their chest and hope the right guy will magically know how to please them. Express how you feel in the moment and share authentically, so you can evaluate if the two of you are a match or not.
4. Let him provide for you.
Men are wired to want to provide for you. If you don’t need him for the most obvious reasons like financial security, then let him know what he can provide for you.
What would be different about your life if you lived day to day alongside your beloved? Do you require emotional support? Someone who cheers you on? A feeling of safety in the world? What do you want a man to provide for you?
Once you know the answer, tell him! Share your dreams and goals with a man who shares your values to create longevity.
If you want to be the primary breadwinner and you want a man who will stay home and be Mr. Mom, there’s nothing wrong with that. Just have the conversation about what you want with him before you make wedding plans.
5. Know that he will behave differently than you do.
Remember, the other person is not you. He has a different perspective and deals with the same stimuli using different strategies from you. Understanding a man means giving him the space to be different than you. He has different parents, different experiences, and different beliefs than you.
Be curious about him. Ask him what makes him tick and what keeps him up at night. Be interested in finding out where you two are similar, as well as how you are different from each other.
Having complementary strengths can make for an awesome team, especially if you’re going to raise children or run a business together.
6. Understand how he communicates than you and your female friends do.
Many women want a man who can be everything for them — not just a husband and lover, but a best friend as well. Your man will probably be your friend, but he won’t speak with you like your best female friend.
He'll want you to get to the point and share less information. It overwhelms him and he may lose the point you're trying to make. He'll want to give you advice and attempt to solve your problem.
Understanding this aspect of his communication will help bring more peace and harmony to your relationship.
If you need a man to just listen and not try to help you, tell him up front. Don’t take his advice as evidence that he doesn’t think you're capable. He's showing up as a man who wants to prove to you that you need him. Share with him how you feel and ask him what he thinks, so it's easier for him to understand. Asking him how he feels may not be able to help him identify his emotions or even label them.
Allowing him some time to speak with you and not jumping in when he takes a breath shows a man that you respect him.
7. Tell him what makes you happy.
There is an old saying, "Happy wife, happy life". Ask any man who has been happily married for a long time, and he’ll tell you that his wife’s happiness is the most important thing to him.
Understanding a man wants to make you happy gives you the freedom to tell him how to do it. A man likes a woman who knows what she wants and is able to communicate it to him. That way he knows how he fits into her life and his role in providing for her happiness.
Express your gratitude when he does something that brings you joy. Acknowledge and appreciate his efforts even when they aren’t exactly what you want. You’ll see him feel more confident in himself and in the relationship. And he’ll do those things you like even more.
Understanding a man can seem confusing, especially when you attempt to make sense of his behavior through the subtle lens of the feminine.
The masculine energy is more direct, less nuanced, and focused on solving problems.
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Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches who have been featured guest experts on Bravo’s The Millionaire Matchmaker. Their dating strategies report, The 7 Steps To Soulmating is available via their website.
This article was originally published at Creating Love On Purpose. Reprinted with permission from the author.