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Can you intervene before things get too serious?
By Orna & Matthew Walters — Written on Jul 09, 2021
Before committing to a life partner — your soulmate— you need to pay attention to red flags in a new relationship.
Conflict in a relationship isn't a red flag in itself, but what happens after very well could be. How do you and your partner behave when you experience obstacles?
Conflict with anyone, even friends and family, is unavoidable. However, you and your partner both have a choice on how to resolve conflict in your relationship so you can handle your differences and clean up any emotional messes.
While you're going through the dating process, pay attention to warning signs. How does your partner behave after a conflict? This way, you'll discover any possible red flags so you can determine if this person is a potential match for you or not.
Unrepaired conflicts become the cracks that ultimately lead to the end of many relationships.
So, you can and should be forgiving when your partner makes a mistake during a conflict.
However, if your partner continues to double down on their choices instead of seeking to resolve your differences, then you’ll want to evaluate the potential of the relationship.
Here are 7 red flags in a new relationship that are revealed when there's conflict.
1. They deny your feelings or experiences.
Do they argue with you and ignore your feelings?
Arguing with you about how you feel or what you experienced is not only disrespectful but can also feel like gaslighting.
So, assess if your partner can acknowledge your feelings or continues to ignore them.
2. They get defensive or don’t take responsibility.
Many people have an initial defensive reaction to conflict. This is normal human behavior.
Does your partner refuse to ever take responsibility? This red flag can leave you feeling like you're being blamed for everything that goes wrong or that your partner has nothing but excuses.
An ideal life partner will take responsibility for their actions.
3. They refuse to budge on their position.
If your partner is chronically stubborn and refuses to budge, then you will be in a constant power struggle. This will leave you feeling exhausted and like you have to always compromise or give in.
Healthy relationships have a balance of give-and-take. Working things out doesn’t mean that you always have to be the one to compromise.
4. They disrespect you and your choices.
Disrespect is a relationship killer and should not be ignored. You want to be loved and accepted as who you really are.
If your partner doesn’t respect you or your choices, then you will never feel loved and accepted. A relationship that makes you feel guilty and has you walking on eggshells is not worth keeping.
5. They stonewall you.
It's impossible to resolve your issues if you can never talk about them.
Stonewalling or ignoring issues will not make them go away. It will simply leave landmines buried in the relationship that can blow up at any time.
6. They agree to change but don’t follow through.
Avoiding conflict by agreeing to something without any intention to follow through is a conflict red flag.
This passive-aggressive behavior will create mistrust as you will be unsure if your partner can honor their word.
7. They focus on your flaws but ignore their own.
Being in a relationship with someone who is critical of you and constantly points out your flaws can destroy your self-esteem.
This is especially insidious when your partner refuses to look at their own behavior.
Find someone who lifts you, not someone who tries to tear you down.
What happens when you’re triggered by conflict in a relationship?
Now that you know what major red flags to look for in a new relationship, you might be keeping an eye out for any deal breakers.
It's unfortunate — but not unforgivable — if either of you behaves badly when you're triggered. If that bad behavior isn’t owned or cleaned up, then there may be a red flag that must be examined.
You're instantly less resourceful because you're no longer thinking calmly or logically. You're triggered into a fight-flight-freeze response and your big prefrontal cortex goes offline.
When triggered, your focus narrows and you become unable to think clearly about the situation. Your habitual strategies for survival kick in. You may even perceive your partner’s behavior as a threat to your own safety.
In this state, you're no longer the mature, centered adult you believe yourself to be. Instead, you're reacting from a wounded place and can potentially lash out or retreat looking for a way to feel safe or in control.
The irony is that when you're triggered, you're most likely to say and do things that can cause damage to the relationship.
Being triggered is not a red flag — it's actually part of being human. It's the part of you that's wired in for your own survival, so it's better to make peace with it and understand its purpose.
You don’t want to fall into the trap of judging yourself or your partner for getting triggered. The key is to recognize when you're triggered and calm your own nervous system.
To discover the potential for a soulmate relationship, pay attention to red flags when there is conflict before making a long-term commitment. Evaluate your partner when things do not go smoothly.
Never ignore red flags, particularly those that arise with conflict.
You can turn conflict in a relationship into a deeper connection.
Being with your soulmate doesn’t mean that you won’t ever be triggered or never behave badly when there's a conflict.
In fact, in a soulmate relationship, you can turn your conflicts into a deeper connection and heal wounds from your past.
Doing this can turn an ordinary relationship into a soul-satisfying and long-lasting one.
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Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and have helped thousands of readers create long-lasting love for over a decade. If you're looking to find your soulmate, download their free report, "7 Steps To Soulmating" from their website.
This article was originally published at Creating Love On Purpose. Reprinted with permission from the author.