Photo: unsplash / Jose Escobar
After a divorce, improve your odds by learning to play the online dating game like a pro.
By Claire Bahn — Written on Nov 09, 2019
Dating after divorce isn’t easy — and it’s not really supposed to be.
Some people might think that you’re just supposed to jump right back into it. But figuring out how to start dating again isn't always that simple. Maybe it's been so long that the rules of the game have changed and you’re not really sure how to get a date anymore. Group dating, swiping right, swiping up, the 'rules,' 'hookups,' 'Netflix and chill' — it's all like a new language.
So what’s the most effective way to start dating after divorce or a breakup? It’s all in the planning and mindset. Let's not forget that dating is a competition, a full-contact sport and literally a winner take all event. That’s not intended to scare you, but you need to know what you’re up against.
Here are 4 things you need to know when you're dating after divorce:
1. Make sure you're ready to start dating again
Your breakup is over. You’ve done the single thing long enough. The divorce (no matter how amicable) was hard. You’ve spent some time mourning the end of the relationship and now you're ready to meet new people and hopefully find a new partner.
First, realize you're not alone — but you need to make sure you're not rushing into a relationship. Putting any fault aside, divorce happens. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), the actual divorce rate is about 3.2 per 1,000 people.
Are you truly comfortable being alone? Can you go to dinner and movies by yourself and be OK with it? Truly, being able to take yourself to dinner and just be fine is a big hurdle for many people, especially women. However, when you can be comfortable in your own skin and not care what others think, you've truly mastered a milestone.
How do you feel about yourself? Have you started to work out maybe eat a little better and focus on your health? Your health contributes to your mental well being. Once you get to the point that you’re comfortable being alone, you’ll be ready to meet new people without anxiety and desperation. Remember, there's no rush. You can take things at your own pace and just have fun dating.
2. Create a great dating profile and with flattering pictures
Online dating is about creating a personal brand that attracts the right people to you. Yes, you are marketing yourself across whatever platforms(s) you’re subscribed to in order to find like-minded people you're interested in meeting.
Everyone else on the dating site is doing the same thing. The ones that are the most successful realize two things:
- Your profile photo is the most important aspect of your profile
- It's a numbers game
The first should be readily obvious. When you do a search, what’s the only thing that gets shown to you? Page after page of dating profile pictures.
If someone has a bad dating picture, or an avatar or multiple people in the photo, ask yourself, would you click on their photo to learn more about them. Statistics say “No!” Make sure your photo is clear, well lit, has just you in it, dressed as if you're going on a date. Take more or less a portrait from your chest to about two inches above your head. This format and composition will be the best for any online dating site or app.
Online dating is truly a competition; you need to understand that it's a numbers game and make a lot of contact with people before you find the few you actually want to meet.
The more contact you make, the faster you can move on to actual dates. Actual conversations online with people — not “smiles” and "winks” and other gimmicks. People find true love online every single day, and you can, too.
3. Take time to acquaint yourself with the current dating scene
If you’re newly divorced, recently separated, or are coming off a long-term relationship, jumping back into dating can feel like diving into a shark tank.
If you haven’t played the field for a while, taking that first plunge back can be a shock to the system — terrifying, exciting, and a little intimidating.
The dating landscape changed significantly over the past decade. Stepping back into the dating scene after an absence is going to feel like walking onto an alien planet. Nobody does the bar scene or fix-ups anymore. Dating action has moved onto internet dating sites and social media networks.
If you’re divorced, you’ll find that dating rules have changed, too. You no longer have to rely on chance meetings or your friends’ sketchy matchmaking skills to find a date.
Today, you simply sign up for an online dating service where computers spit out a list of 'perfect matches.' At least that’s the promise. The reality isn’t quite that simple or perfect, but online dating sites are selling the dream, not the reality. Despite their commercials and come-ons, online dating sites are in it for the money, not love.
However, once you realize this, you can change your strategy to leverage your online dating site to get the very most out of it.
If you’re still struggling to recover from a broken relationship and you’re lonely, hurt, and running low on self-esteem; then maybe you’re not ready for online dating just yet. Ignoring the realities of online dating dooms you to frustration and disappointment until you figure out how the system really works.
Fortunately, there’s no need to reinvent the wheel. If you’re new to online dating, you can profit from the experiences (mistakes) of other online daters. It also pays to remember that despite the problems associated with online dating services, they can and often do work. Today, one in five committed relationships starts online. 17 percent of the couples who walked down the aisle in 2018 started their romance on an online dating site.
4. Give yourself time to get comfortable with dating again
Ending a relationship is distressing, yet you will recuperate; it just takes time. Just how much time depends upon you. You'll know when it's time to close on your old connection and welcome the new chapter in your life. The road to recovery could acquire a little rough, yet you can smooth your back into the online dating game.
Here are a few pieces of dating advice that will help:
- Spend your dating break placing in some top quality "me" time. Concentrate on doing things that make you feel good about yourself.
- Allow yourself a small amount of self-pity after your breakup. If you can't stop obsessing over your relationship, consider chatting with a therapist.
- When you're ready to date again, pile the cards in your favor with an expertly written profile and expert dating headshots to show off the new and better you.
- Vary your methods of meeting people, both in public and online in dating sites and apps.
If you're single after a breakup or divorce and you're ready to make a change, this is how you can prepare yourself to jump back into the dating scene with both feet and find the love you've been longing for.
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Claire Bahn is the CEO of Online Profile Pros, the largest network professional photographers, writers, and coaches across the US and Canada, all dedicated to making sure your personal brand is the best it can be.
This article was originally published at Online Profile Pros. Reprinted with permission from the author.