12 Tips To Get Back Out There Dating After Divorce
Do you know where to start when dating after divorce?
getty Dating after divorce can seem like an impossible task. You have a few options, like asking friends for help, going to church, or finding someone at work.
None of these is the most efficient way to find a new partner.
Your friends are usually all married or don't have any single friends. Going to church is a viable option, but usually limited.
Trying to find someone you work with can be doubly challenging. Saying the wrong thing can end you up in front of the HR department.
You’ve heard of online dating, but you might not know how tech-friendly it is to daters over 50. People used to think online dating was the last resort for desperate daters.
Online dating sites are frequently the first place today’s daters go when they’re looking for love.
Online dating jump-starts the dating process by bringing together people who are actively searching for someone to date.
With so many people using these apps and sites, the tricky part isn’t finding someone special — it’s making things work when you meet so many people.
So, how do you get back into dating when you’re over 50, newly divorced, or widowed for some time?
Here are 12 tips on dating after divorce that you need to know about.
1. Join several online dating sites.
You increase your odds and options by joining several online dating sites.
You can do a mainstream dating site like Match.com or eHarmony. Then, add a few niche or specialized sites for older daters, like Silver Singles or Our Time. This will give you many options to choose from.
Remember that online dating is not a magic bullet. These platforms will show you many possibilities, and you need to be very picky about whom you’re going to contact or maintain contact with.
You don’t want to waste your time. Online dating is ruthlessly efficient, so don’t think that you need to be "polite" and respond to every person that tries to contact you.
You have to look at their profile and see if you are remotely attracted, and then make a decision.
2. A winning profile is key.
There are four main parts you need to have in your dating profile to be successful:
- Personality Test: Every site has a variation of a personality test that's designed to help the computer figure you out. It uses this information to match you to the appropriate person according to what each of you is looking for in a date.
- Personal Information: This can include the city you live in, contact information, education level, and income range.
- Photos: A primary profile photo will be used as your thumbnail in search results. Other photos should display your lifestyle so that people get a sense of who you are.
- Your written profile: A few paragraphs that will be visible to others once they click on your photo.
3. Snap a winning profile photo.
Your profile photos need to be on target if you’re going to get the most out of this experience.
The reality is that you’re only going to have a few seconds to capture the attention of your perfect date. If you don’t, then someone else is going to be dating them. It really is all about the "first impression."
A well-crafted online dating profile photo is the most important thing you can have to increase your chances of getting the attention of Mister or Miss Right.
A selfie is not the look you should be going for. It’s never as good as you think it is and it sends the wrong message.
The perfect online dating profile photo captures someone’s attention and allows you to express yourself and look great doing it. Online dating is all about marketing yourself, so you don’t lose out on dates.
4. Have a well-written profile.
It’s OK to open up a bit and share your likes and dislikes. You don’t need to go overboard and scare people away, but if you have a big pet peeve, then you can share that so you don’t waste your or others’ time.
For example, if you’re not a smoker and don’t like being around smokers, then this is probably something you want to mention.
If you really like going out on the town or traveling the world, then you should talk about that, too. You wouldn’t want to connect with someone who’s more of a "homebody" who prefers staying in and watching Netflix.
You don’t need to make your written profile a laundry list of likes and dislikes. However, your goal is to be clear about what you’re seeking and create an opportunity for interested people to communicate with you by asking a question or telling a story.
5. Know what other senior daters, widowers, and divorcees are looking for.
Sociologists say senior daters are looking for different qualities in dates, compared to their younger counterparts. Where younger daters place major emphasis on appearance, older daters are more interested in health and financial independence.
For daters nearing or past retirement, looks are important but qualities that are more likely to impact lifestyle and quality of life take precedence.
Older men are looking for women who are financially self-sufficient. Meanwhile, older women are most concerned about health issues — they’re not interested in becoming someone’s full-time caregiver.
Thus, while the focus may have shifted slightly for senior daters, the process is exactly the same.
The same holds true for dating after divorce or dating after widowed. The focus is not the same for much younger daters. They are experienced enough to know how relationships work and how they can be challenging.
You might want to find someone that has shared many of the same experience as you and has a realistic approach to relationships; someone who understands the hard work they entail.
6. Make sure you’re really ready to start dating.
This transition is a big step so make sure you're ready and that those closest to you understand and accept that you're interested in new relationships and no longer wish to be alone.
If you have children, even grown ones, this may still be an adjustment for them.
If you haven’t dated since before you became a parent, your children may be skeptical.
More experienced daters also have to think about what to call a significant other. Of course, this is a minor concern since finding and connecting with someone is really the major hurdle.
As they say, there's plenty of other fish in the sea. If there were really only one true love for each person, why do so many people get divorced? Why do so many online daters find their perfect match the second time around?
With each relationship, you learn more about yourself and what you need from a partner. On your next splash into the dating pool, you’ll be a little wiser and more likely to reel in a better catch!
7. Be tech-ready.
Online dating has evolved from being solely computer-based to becoming an app-based service. Now, mobile dating is where the magic happens. If you want to participate, you need the hardware to do so.
You are a dater now, so you shouldn’t be at home in front of a computer screen. Instead, you should be out experiencing the world and meeting people, while still staying connected with your smartphone.
All you need to do is choose the right dating app to download on your phone!
8. Choose the right dating site.
There are 8,000 online dating sites globally and about 2,500 online dating sites just in the US.
Aside from the "regular" dating sites, there are a ton of specialized dating sites to choose from, such as Farmers Only (not for city folk) and Gluten-Free Singles (no dough here).
So, rest assured that when you decide to start dating again, you'll have many options. Invest in at least two or three dating sites since you never know which one will work best for you.
Not all dating sites work the same or attract the same types of people.
You can try a mainstream site and then a few niche sites to figure out which ones you like best. Many dating sites have a free trial period too so you can test things out before you pay.
Here's an important tip: look into your networks. Ask your single friends which sites they prefer and then try a few of the recommended sites. Your friends may know which dating site may be best for you!
9. Be creative with your profile.
Whatever you put online will exist for all of eternity. Keep this in mind as you build your profile.
Photos are important. According to Match.com’s CEO, you’ll get 15 times more attention than people who didn’t bother to upload a photo.
So, find your best high-resolution photo and keep it classy. Your photo will play a big part in determining the kind of attention you garner.
Before writing your profile, get the creative juices flowing by making lists of the following:
- The most important qualities you are looking for in a date or partner.
- The qualities you have to offer.
- The things you like to do best. (Be honest and stick to what’s true today. Don’t list things you might like to do, like hiking if you’re a couch potato).
Start your profile by saying what you’re looking for. Don’t say "fun" if you’re really looking for a partner.
List a few qualities you’re looking for and a few you bring to the table. Add a short anecdote about one thing you like to do.
Keep your profile short, not more than 300 words. It should be a brief intro, not the story of your life. Leave a few mysteries to be discovered.
If your profile doesn’t bring results, consider a professional rewrite to give it some polish.
10. Be safe.
People on the Internet lie. Some are scammers. Some are more horrible than that. Even if a site vets its users, you need to be careful.
Don’t trust everything their profiles say, and do your own research before getting too involved with somebody you meet online.
Other safety rules to follow:
- Create an email account that's only used for dating sites.
- Don’t list your home address or phone number.
- Protect your personal information.
- Meet dates in public places and let a friend know where you're going.
- Trust your instincts.
- Never, under any circumstances, send money to anyone you meet online. You’d be surprised how many smart, tech-savvy people get scammed out of money online. Don’t be one of them.
11. Have fun.
The most important thing to remember, aside from the safety spiel, is that you should have fun with online dating.
This is a great opportunity for you to meet new people and to hone your dating skills.
While emotionally draining, dating after divorce isn’t the end of the world. Attack this new phase of your life with a positive attitude.
Consider the possibilities. Be adventurous. You're worth it.
12. Have the right mindset.
Sometimes, people think that because they are paying for a subscription, that somehow means that they will only be dating supermodels.
However, if you’re not confident that you could walk into a bar filled with supermodels and get a date with one, then it’s not going to happen online either.
The most successful online daters and the ones that tend to be the happiest treat online dating like a fun adventure where you try and meet new and interesting people and see if something "clicks" between you.
They have a realistic expectation of the type of person they can attract and are mature enough to know and accept that.
The other thing that makes for a successful online dater is not to be too rigid in your requirements. Be open to meeting new and different people if there is even a hint of interest.
Lastly, know when to quit or say "no".
If you’ve tried repeatedly to interact with a specific person on the site and they don’t respond or they stop responding, then don’t get focused on that one person. Just take it for what it is and move on.
There are plenty of other daters on the site. Conversely, if someone is overly persistent, then it's perfectly fine to say that you're not interested, even if it’s after a few dates.
Online dating is ruthlessly efficient about providing opportunities to meet new people but you need to have the right mindset to get the most out of it.
Dating after divorce or widowed doesn’t have to be difficult. Finding yourself suddenly single at 50 or 60 or beyond can be more than a little intimidating.
You’ll find that the goal of dating hasn’t changed since the last time you stole a kiss, but nearly everything else about modern dating is going to feel pretty foreign.
Many people who passed their 50th birthday some time ago do meet and marry someone they met on an online dating site.
But, while you should always be open to new possibilities, you’ll have more fun dating online if you concentrate on meeting people and having fun.
Claire Bahn is the CEO of Online Profile Pros, the largest network professional photographers writers and coaches across the US and Canada, all dedicated to making sure your personal brand is the best it can be.