This was the third marriage for both Gavin and Pamela. They had been best friends in junior high and high school, then went their separate ways. They had each struggled through extremely dysfunctional previous marriages that included spouses with addictions and domestic violence. When they'd married four years before I met them, they each had two children. One child was the subject of a nasty custody battle. more
Gavin's parenting style is very structured, somewhat rule oriented. Pamela's is very loose and more relationship oriented. They thought they would co-parent all four children, but found themselves constantly criticizing each other's parenting and undermining each other's authority. As with past relationships, the conflicts deteriorated into violent shouting matches. When one of their teens called the cops during one of their fights, they knew they needed help. I saw them about two weeks later.
After listening to their respective views about what was happening, and seeing the interaction between them, I knew there was a lot of basic love and trust at the heart of their messy relationship. They just didn't know how to be a stepfamily.
They agreed to the first, essential step which was to each parent their own children independently and to stop all criticism of each other and each other's children. (This guideline has been shown by research to be one of the key pieces to help stepfamilies succeed. Differences in parenting is one of the primary causes of step-couple divorces.) Their immdiate compliance with this step brought instant relief. The entire household began to relax.
Then they enrolled in a class I had beginning shortly afterward where functional, respectful communication and problem solving methods were taught. They dilligently applied themselves to learning those skills and practicing them in every conversation. I continued to occasionally see them in person as they applied what they'd learned to their relationships.
The new skills helped them navigate issues like how much money were they each free to spend on their respective children, which house rules applied to everyone, and which rules were unique to his or her children, how to spend holidays, how to deal with a crazy Ex, how to make sure their marriage thrived along with the family.
In 2012 I officiated at their marriage vow renewal ceremony. They say that they know they will be together until parted by death. Their children are seeing a healthy marriage modeled for the first time in their lives. Gradually their parenting methods have somewhat melded so there is less need for distinction between his and hers.
They are a Poster Couple for successful step-families!