Nancy Landrum, MA - Expert

Susan bought the book because she and her husband were struggling.  After reading it and applying key pieces taught in the book, their marriage began to improve.  Shortly afterward she emailed me with their appreciation.  

She also shared "How to..." with a friend who's marriage was on the brink of divorce.  A few weeks later she saw that couple at a party where they were affectionate and laughing...evidently no longer considering divorce.

Susan is exploring ways to bring the easy-reading and practical information from "How to..." into the prison populations where so little relationship help is available.

Barry was unprepared for the role of step-father.  He expected to be a dad with full rights to discipline and have his perspective on issues respected.  He was offended when at family gatherings Ann's family would lament the passing of her late (alcoholic) husband and seem to ignore the benefits that he brought to Ann and her children, including financial stability.

Ann's children variously married, joined the military, and entered adulthood.  But when problems occurred, Ann welcomed them back home.  Barry enjoyed building a relationship with two step-grandchildren, but frequently complained to Ann about her children's sense of entitlement.  He wanted their appreciation and respect shown for the free room and board they were providing, but mostly he wanted them gone.

In session they began learning how to speak without using methods or trigger words that elicited negative reactions.  They learned to listen with the intention to understand from the other's point of view.  Ann began to see that her degree of care-taking may not be in her childrens' best interests.  Barry tried to curb his criticisms.

The breakthrough came when they worked a specific problem solving strategy around her son living at home after his return from active duty.  They agreed on the terms of his leaving and the deadline.  Barry began to feel like he had a voice, which felt like a breath of life-giving air to him.  Soon the issue of her daughter and the two grandchildren was also resolved in a way that satisfied both of their needs.

Currently they are reclaiming their marriage by regular dates (without children or grandchildren) and planning their remaining years together as a couple.

Gavin's parenting style is very structured, somewhat rule oriented.  Pamela's is very loose and more relationship oriented.  They thought they would co-parent all four children, but found themselves constantly criticizing each other's parenting and undermining each other's authority.  As with past relationships, the conflicts deteriorated into violent shouting matches.  When one of their teens called the cops during one of their fights, they knew they needed help.  I saw them about two weeks later.

After listening to their respective views about what was happening, and seeing the interaction between them, I knew there was a lot of basic love and trust at the heart of their messy relationship.  They just didn't know how to be a stepfamily.

They agreed to the first, essential step which was to each parent their own children independently and to stop all criticism of each other and each other's children.  (This guideline has been shown by research to be one of the key pieces to help stepfamilies succeed.  Differences in parenting is one of the primary causes of step-couple divorces.)  Their immdiate compliance with this step brought instant relief.  The entire household began to relax.

Then they enrolled in a class I had beginning shortly afterward where functional, respectful communication and problem solving  methods were taught.  They dilligently applied themselves to learning those skills and practicing them in every conversation.  I continued to occasionally see them in person as they applied what they'd learned to their relationships.

The new skills helped them navigate issues like how much money were they each free to spend on their respective children, which house rules applied to everyone, and which rules were unique to his or her children, how to spend holidays, how to deal with a crazy Ex, how to make sure their marriage thrived along with the family.

In 2012 I officiated at their marriage vow renewal ceremony.  They say that they know they will be together until parted by death.  Their children are seeing a healthy marriage modeled for the first time in their lives.  Gradually their parenting methods have somewhat melded so there is less need for distinction between his and hers.  

They are a Poster Couple for successful step-families!