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Is your relationship happy and healthy?
By Mitzi Bockmann — Written on Dec 17, 2019
You know those friends of yours who always look so happy together and deeply in love? The ones who you know not only look happy but who are actually happy in their relationship?
Don’t you sometimes just hate them? What do they know that you don’t know about how to have a healthy relationship?
That's always the question, whispered among those who wish they too could be so happy.
But if you want to have an awesome relationship and be truly happy and in love with your partner, you've got to discover the secrets that the happiest couples already know.
Here are 5 secrets that couples follow to have the happiest, healthiest relationships possible:
1. Have a healthy sex life
So let’s just start with the obvious one.
Every happily married couple has a sex life that suits them. There is no exact formula for how much sex a couple must have to be happy.
Instead, each couple needs to decide what is best for them, to talk about it and play around and meet each other’s sexual needs in a way that makes everyone excited.
Maybe your husband wants to have sex every night and, while you really like having sex with him, every night just doesn’t work for you.
You might just rebuff his advances, which makes him feel bad, but try this instead: Talk to him about it.
Explain how you feel and agree on what works for you both, like deciding that you'll be the instigator and you'll instigate often. That could make you happy!
So tick this one off of your list. Talk to your partner about your sex life and make a plan to make it work well for both of you.
2. Share the chores equally
I have known many, many married couples. I have known many, many divorced couples. What is the differentiating factor that exists between the two?
Equality in the execution of chores.
My 15-year-old daughter did a survey for school once. Who were the happiest parents among her friend group?
She discovered that those who shared the household chores, particularly the meal planning, were the happiest.
Why? Because chores are a huge bone of contention for many couples. Huge.
What usually happens is is that the person “in charge” delegates the chores to their spouse. The “in charge” person has expectations about the execution of the chore, and if it’s not done within the expected time, or in an expected way, tensions flare.
The delegator takes it personally and lashes out and the executor is left bewildered because they had no idea what the expectations were.
If both people are responsible for the delegation, and execution, of the chores then a huge issue just disappears. Things get done or don’t, and both partners are responsible.
So, my daughter reported, my ex-husband’s and my decision to divide and conquer (he would work and I would run the house) was the deciding factor in the failure of our marriage. My sister-in-law and her husband, who equally shared home responsibilities, however, are living happily ever after.
I wish she had done this research earlier…
3. Have inside jokes
What, really? How can that be? That is such a little thing.
Happy couples are like a little island unto themselves. Sure, they have families and friends and jobs and responsibilities, but they also have things that they only share with each other. Inside jokes.
Imagine this. You and your spouse are at a family BBQ. Tensions are flying over something. Politics, perhaps. And then your father in law says something, something that he always says that you and your spouse have whispered about in bed at night.
You meet eyes as the statement is made and you just connect. You smile and nod and go on with the day with a warm feeling in your tummy.
Connection is what real love is about. And having a secret is super fun. So having an inside joke, a combination of the two, can’t be beaten for keeping couples close.
4. Dream big together
Happy couples are couples who not only dream big but dream big together.
Remember when you were young and falling in love? Hours would be spent talking about the future — the jobs, the house, the kids, the happily ever after.
And then life happens. Day to day living gets in the way of those dreams.
But not for happy couples. Happy couples still dream together. It might be little things, like dreaming of a movie date on Friday, but they dream together and work as a team to get it done.
So dream big. Or small. But dream together.
5. Put each other first
Yes, yes, I know. There are so many important things in our lives these days.
Making money is one of the first that comes to mind. Making sure our children grow into successful adults is another. And then there is exercise. And friends. And hobbies. And your phone.
And all of these are important. But one thing that you realize, when you no longer have a partner, is that none of these things really matter because you, well, you don’t have a partner.
So make your partner your priority. Every day.
Work is important but so is getting home for date night. That Saturday morning 15 mile run? Go for it! But if you could instead spend the morning alone with your spouse, consider it.
A movie night with the girls? Bring your husband instead. The phone? Put it down.
Consider all the good that could come from making your spouse a priority. Connection, laughter, physical affection, goodwill, sex, happiness. Arguably more life-enhancing than the money and the muscles and the children with a perfect score on their SATs.
Being part of a happy couple isn’t something that just happens. It, like all of the best things in life, takes a concerted effort. That effort at work pays off with a raise. That effort at the gym pays off with muscles. Why not make that effort with your partner and be one of those truly happy couples?
So go home, look your spouse in the eye and kiss them hard, throw your dirty clothes in the hamper, laugh about the co-worker you love to hate, talk about a trip away together next month, make love and fall asleep happy.
It will all be totally worth it.
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Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based certified life coach and mental health advocate. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.
This article was originally published at Let Your Dreams Begin. Reprinted with permission from the author.