How To Move On After Letting Go Of Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back
A broken heart doesn't have to break you...
by Renato Abati from Pexels When it comes time to a break up with someone, it's not easy, even if they don't love you anymore. If you're trying to move on and get over the emotions and pain of a breakup when you're still in love with your ex, it's even harder.
But the truth is, as difficult as it may be, embracing your ability to move on after a breakup and start over fresh is important.
Are you struggling after letting go of someone who doesn’t love you back?
Have you walked away from someone you loved because you know they don’t love you?
Do you know that you did the right thing but are you still struggling with the pain and self-doubt? I get it.
Here are 6 tips for moving on after ending a relationship with the person you still love:
1. Don't trick yourself into playing the victim.
Eight years ago, my husband walked out on me for his college girlfriend. We'd been married for twenty years, and I was devastated. I raged on about how he could do this to me, to our children? I was angry and sad and out for revenge.
And then a friend gently reminded me that my story was perhaps a little bit off track. Yes, he had walked out on me and that was completely unacceptable. But we had been really, really unhappy for a long time. Our kids were headed off to school and neither one of us knew if we were ready to reconnect.
It was entirely possible that we would have ended up divorced anyway.
Keeping in mind, that I wasn’t a victim but a partner in a marriage that slowly fell apart, I was able to accept the end of our relationship. The "leaving me for someone else without even trying" piece still stings, but the truth is that our marriage was most likely doomed and I'm way better off. He's her problem now.
2. Make a list of every reason why you need to leave them behind.
When you have to walk away from someone you love, make a list — a list of all of the reasons you need to walk away from that person.
When you spend time with someone, you're regularly exposed to the things that remind you to walk away. When you finally get away from that person, those things tend to recede into your memory.
They get replaced in the forefront of your mind with the good things, times, and everything you loved about that person. And with the good things at the front of your mind, you're vulnerable to returning to the relationship causing you pain.
So, make a list. Make a list of everything that you can think of that is making you walk away from the person that you love.
Keep that list close and refer to it when you're missing him. You left this relationship for a reason. Keep those reasons in mind daily going forward.
3. Go no contact immediately after separating.
I know you think that you need “closure” at the end of a relationship, that final conversation where everyone gets to say what they want to say and you understand each other and walk away as friends.
I'm here to tell you that closure is a myth. Closure is really just one last chance to spend time with and talk to the person you still love.
Because really, if you could have a conversation and finally understand each other, why couldn’t you make it work as a couple?
So, when you've decided the relationship is over, cut him off. Block him on your phone, disconnect on social media, stay away from places where you know he'll be.
Why? Because what you need to do is break the addiction you have to this person, to change your habits.
Think about Oreo cookies. You know how hard it is to eat just one? It’s the same with your man. Even one point of contact can draw you back into his circle — the circle you decided you're determined to break yourself out of.
So, go no contact right away. It will make the process way easier!
4. Do something new and exciting.
Another thing to do with all of that free time is to start doing something that you have always wanted to do. Don’t sit around feeling sorry for your empty space — do something with it.
For instance, say a woman broke up with a man she loved desperately but who couldn’t commit to her. She was devastated.
To deal with this pain, she decided to do something she'd always wanted: Writing.
She started writing about her broken heart, what happened, her insights about what she could have done differently, and the way she felt with him gone from her life.
It was hard work for her, emotionally, but soon she started to get a following. Other women who were going through the same things appreciated her written words and started commenting on her articles.
As a result, she built a small community of women who supported each other through the rough times.
What is it that you have always wanted to do? Pick one thing and start doing it. You have the time. Life is short. Don’t waste it!
5. Make sure to comfort yourself.
When your heart is broken and you feel like your life is over, one of the best things that you can do is self-care. Your body and your spirit may feel broken but some nurturing will help them heal.
When my husband left me, I was left devastated and alone. My house was empty, my kids were gone, and my husband no longer came home at the end of the day. My days were endless and I didn’t know how I was going to survive being alone.
One day, a Groupon appeared in my inbox for a massage. I had nothing to do, so I bought it and I made an appointment. That massage was one of the best hours of my life. I was in a warm room, on a cozy table, and I had a lovely woman attending to my aches and pains, making me feel loved and cared for.
I realized that day, when I emerged from the spa feeling rejuvenated and alive, that doing things that comforted me was what I needed to help me move forward.
From that day on, I would spend some time every day doing things to take care of myself. I did yoga, went for walks, spent time antiquing with girlfriends and drank whiskey by the fire on cold winter nights.
By nurturing myself, by loving myself, I was able to get the strength that I needed to let go of the loss of my marriage.
6. Believe your love is out there for you.
I find this to be the number one obstacle when you're breaking up with someone who doesn’t love you: Believing you'll never find love again.
Almost without exception, people who are in relationships that aren’t making them happy don’t leave because they believe there will never be another person for them.
That if they break up with this person, they'll be alone forever!
But that just isn’t true. There are many, many fish in the sea, and there is one for you.
Of course, if you never have a chance to go fishing, because you are still with this idiot who doesn’t love you then you won’t find that person.
But if you can be brave enough to act, and break up with said person, then you will be setting yourself up for finding the love of your life.
Moving on after letting go of someone who doesn’t love you back is a very hard thing to do. You still love them but you know that you must let them go because of the pain they are causing you. It will be difficult but it is possible!
Make sure that your break up story is a true one. I can promise you that your guy is out there! You will find him if you can let go and find yourself again!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based certified life coach and mental health advocate whose writing has been published in The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN, and The Good Man Project, among others. Contact her today to find out how she helps people go from depressed to happy in their relationships and their world.