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You deserve more.
By Mitzi Bockmann — Written on Apr 23, 2018
Are you in a one-sided relationship? Have you been hoping that your situation would change and that he would start loving you — either for the first time or again — and that you would live happily ever after?
First of all, let me say that I am so sorry that you have to go through this. There is nothing worse than a broken heart. But let me also say good for you for recognizing the truth and making this big move toward letting go of your one-sided relationship.
Here are 5 steps to follow when you're ready to pull the plug on your one-sided relationship with a guy who doesn't love you:
1. Ask yourself how determined you are to go through with this.
Before you begin any life-changing process, you must ask yourself how determined you are to actually do it. On a scale of 1-10, how close to a 10 are you? Because without steadfast determination, you will not be able to accomplish something as challenging as getting past a lost love.
So are you ready to do this? Is there any part of you that is holding on to the possibility that things could work out? Do you feel like you aren't strong enough to do this yet?
If the answer to any of these questions is a "yes", then perhaps you should wait a bit longer before you begin this process. Time is a great healer and with some time you will get stronger and be ready to take on this challenging task.
2. Make these three lists to help you stay steadfast in your resolve.
- How do you know that he doesn't love you?
There are reasons why you feel like he doesn't love you.
Perhaps he no longer makes an effort to spend time with you. Or he doesn't return your text messages. Or when you are going to bed, he just rolls over and turns off the light without kissing you. Or perhaps he tells you that he doesn't like or respect you, even as he lets you buy him that new bike or a fancy meal.
You know what I am talking about. Those things in your gut that are telling you that this relationship is wrong — those things you are ignoring.
- What are you kidding yourself about?
Are there some things that you are doing to talk yourself out of the fact that he doesn't love you?
Do you think that if you just do this one thing, he will start loving you again? Or perhaps you wonder how could he not love you because you know you are awesome?
I have a client who just doesn't get that her man doesn't love her. He isn't brave enough to break up with her and just treats her badly. She truly believes that he should love her and that if she just holds on long enough, he will know that too. And every day, she debases herself by doing his bidding and, surprise, he still doesn't love her.
What are some things you are doing to justify staying in this relationship? Take a good hard look at them. Without understanding them, you won’t be able to let him go.
- What do you want in a relationship?
If you don’t know what you want in a relationship then you will most definitely be more likely to stay in one that isn't serving you. Take some time and write down what you want in a relationship. Most likely, you will find that what is important to you isn't present in your current relationship.
Once you have made your lists, refer to them often.
When we are in the midst of emotional turmoil, our brains get cloudy and we can’t think clearly. If you have these lists in front of you, they can remind you of why you have to break up with this person, you will be able to stay steadfast in your determination to get it done!
3. Cut him off.
I know that we all think that we need "closure" at the end of a relationship, that final conversation where everyone gets to say what they want to say and you understand each other and walk away as friends.
I am here to tell you that closure is a myth. Closure is simply one last chance to spend time with and talk to that person you still love. Because really, if you could have a conversation and finally understand each other, why couldn't you make it work as a couple?
So when you've decided that the relationship is over, cut him off. Block him on your phone, disconnect on social media, and stay away from places where you know he will be.
Why? Because what you need to do is break the addiction you have to this person, to change your habits.
Think about Oreo cookies. You know how hard it is to eat just one? It’s the same with your man. Even one point of contact can draw you back into his circle, the circle that you have decided that you are determined to break yourself out of.
So go no contact right away. It will make the process way easier!
4. Believe that you will find another love.
I find this to be the number one obstacle to my clients breaking up with someone who doesn't love them.
Almost without exception, people who are in relationships that aren't making them happy don’t try to get out of them because they believe that there will never be another person for them. That if they break up with this person, they will be alone forever!
But that just isn't true. There are many, many fish in the sea and there is one for you.
Of course, if you never have a chance to go fishing, because you are still with this idiot who doesn't love you then you, won’t find that person. But if you can be brave enough to act and break up with him, then you will be setting yourself up for finding the love of your life.
A client of mine was in a horrible relationship, one that made her feel horrible about herself. She kept on breaking up with up with her guy and then taking him back. And then one day, after another breakup, she was invited to a dance party.
At that dance party, which she never would have gone to if she had still been dating bozo guy, she met the love of her life. How awesome is that!
5. Get back out there!
I know that right now you feel like you might never love again but putting yourself back out there doesn't mean you have to fall in love. Putting yourself back out there means that you get dressed up and flirt and date and have a lot of fun.
And you will, you WILL, find another love but in the meantime, you can enjoy yourself and the freedom that you have as a single girl. Embrace it!
Letting go of someone who doesn't love you is an incredibly hard thing to do.
You are holding onto the feelings that you had for each other in the beginning, the feelings of excitement about the future that you shared. You want them to come back and for him to love you and that all will be fine.
But you know, in your gut, that it isn't going to happen. So take action!
Get determined, identify exactly why you are breaking up, cut off all contact with him, believe that your next love is out there and then get out there and find him.
The next short period of time will be painful. Saying goodbye to someone always is. But once you are through it life will go on and you will be in a place to find that guy who will love you, forever.
And you will be happy!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live. Contact her for help or email her at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com.
This article was originally published at Let Your Dreams Begin. Reprinted with permission from the author.